I started this draft at work and wondered what I was doing. Am I starting a draft because I want this to be some great work of writing? Didn’t I decide yesterday that I wanted this all to be stream of consciousness? Like… a conversation with myself? Back when I was feeling pretty stable, I journaled everyday for probably like 20 days and felt like it really helped. In this journal, each entry started with “Dear Elora” like it was a message to myself. The inner me. I felt like that was really effective. Today I’m wondering… should I just be doing that? What about me is making this want to be a blog rather than a private journal?
It bothers me because me and Eddy just went to walk Han and he brought up exactly that. He asked “Why make this a blog? As soon as you write for an audience, you’re putting up an image. Why not just make it private?” It bothered me because I had already thought of that.
I started this blog yesterday with the intention of it being an experiment in thought. An experiment setting a control variable, the me without meds and weed. The pure me, so that let’s say, if I did go back on meds and stuff I’d have something to compare it to now that I know that I’m bipolar and these are patterns not just instances of me being “broken.” But then this morning I woke up to a comment… and it made me SO HAPPY! I was like “WHAT! I just made this thing… how did people even find it?!” I made this blog with the intention of it being secret. Something “just for me.”
But Elora, if it’s “just for you” why put it on the internet?
That’s the question isn’t it.
My rationale to Eddy was that I’m trying to get over my fear of sharing. Why share? He asks. Well obviously to help people. To make it clear, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur or anything where I’m thinking that my word is gold and I’m gonna save the world yada yada.
Side note though: April told me to watch the recent ep of My Hero Academia, and
Eddy just came into the room and we launched into a long conversation about a lot of deep things. Part of the conclusion I just came to was that, if I’m to do this blog I CAN’T be using the delete key. This needs to continue on as only stream of consciousness, as though i was writing in a journal.
I also need to time these so that this doesn’t take up too much of my time. Eddy pointed out that he can see this potentially being the beginning of a new bad cycle, and I was afraid to admit it out loud but, I had already seen that coming. As soon as I saw that you can get comments on here… hoo boy. I see now that I almost have an addiction to expectation, and addiction to as soon as I’m gaining any sort of validation from ANYONE, things shift so it’s no longer truly me.
Once you have an audience, you perform.
I don’t want to perform. I just want to be real. I think part of my biggest fear is that I’ll always only “perform” and never be as vulnerable as I actually want to be.
A heartbreaking thing that me and Eddy have come to realize is that our “grand plans” or what we want for the future is switched. Everything is a contradiction, especially me. Eddy currently lives the simple life and he’s happy just living with me and Han, but he’s working toward a life that would complicate things. Pursuing having his own show would mean that he would choose his career over me and Han, or if I were to join him in creating a show… we would both give up that of which many people regret on their deathbeds — not spending enough time with family. I long for the simple life, and although he’s RIGHT THERE, I can’t help but still work toward “getting my shit together,” “becoming something” or “being part of the animation industry.” I’m addicted to pressure in my life, to validation, but not in the sense that I have to constantly be posting selfies or posting status updates of my inner turmoil. I feel like, maybe to some form of naivety, I have something to say and that sharing my story in some way could possibly help people. Some dumb part of me can’t help but want to be a hero, at least for somebody.
Which goes back to My Hero Academia. If I’m timing my shit, I can’t even really talk about that episode, so instead I’ll post some stuff right here to remind me so I can look back on this fondly in times of darkness.
My earlier draft that I wrote at work had a bunch of responses to finally starting to read Kay Redfield Jamison’s “An Unquiet Mind.” It also had thoughts of… “oh hey I’m at work without meds. This isn’t so bad but I’m not particularly as friendly as I wish I was… hmmm probably because I wanted to get 8 hours of sleep and slept in late so I just wanted to get my work done. Regardless, I want to try to be more friendly to make myself feel better.”
All the stuff with work and An Unquiet Mind no longer even really seem relevant because of the conversations I’ve been having with Eddy. What does that mean? Should I write ideas out as soon as I have them? Or should it not even matter? Should I focus instead on being a shaman and looking within for the answers? Or should I take the time to write out all my thoughts so they’re available for the public? The public shouldn’t matter. The reason I’m doing this is more for me, but I hope (again maybe naively) that maybe some of what I have to say could maybe possibly help someone. Why is this so complicated?!
UGH ok I’m done my mind hurts and I need to go do something useful. Here’s a quote that survived my draft though from the beginning of Unquiet Mind, which, btw had me choked up for most of the day because I felt her SO HARD. It also made me think.. goddamn are all bipolar people destined to act on their suicide impulse at some point in their life? If so… I NEVER WANT TO ACT ON IT. Because I’m just that stubborn.
At least I can now say that I never want to kill myself. Hopefully I look back at this post in the future if I need to.
Something I also need to do… not go back and read these posts after I write. Gonna just write em and leave em. Sorry if there are any typos. (ELORA WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?! WRITE THIS FOR YOU NOT THEM DAMMIT)
“The Chinese say that before you can conquer a beast you must first make it beautiful.” – Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind