Day 3: First Moodswing Off Meds

MOOD DIARY: -1

My day started off so great, and it stayed continually mellow throughout work which is abnormal. I thought I was home free… Honestly I feel like I’ve been so stable and good lately that I thought, probably naively, that this would last for a while. When I got home today, I was happy to see Eddy and Han, but immediately got irritable looking at the state of the apartment. Anytime Eddy relaxes during the day and I come home to a mess, I can’t help but lose my shit a bit.

This of course, was irrational today because Eddy pulled an all nighter and I assumed that he wasn’t going to do anything productive. He HAD to sleep he HAD to relax. But for some reason my mind thinks that people should just never slack off I guess. I feel really bad for him, because the unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on myself project onto him SO MANY TIMES, and for some reason I feel like he should just always be cleaning or doing chores through the day. I mean, a long time ago he DID say that when he’s out of a job he’d be the stay at home mom, but he never really turned into that role chore-wise. We just both really suck at keeping a place clean.

I could feel my mood swinging, and then it got even worse I think because I was hungry. So I ate a piece of bread and felt better, so we went to Target to get a card for his grandma who recently did something super generous for us. We ended up buying a buncha stuff at Target, and FORGETTING THE CARD IN THE CART.

NOW I’M ANNOYED BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO DO THIS STUPID JOURNAL BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TO AND I CAN’T EVEN THINK CUZ THE TV IS SO LOUD. Jesus.

Gosh I don’t even know how to describe it really… I feel almost like I’m slowly getting warmer until I boil? And I’m not sure why? The day was perfectly fine… I guess in general it’s still a lot more mellow than how I usually am, but it’s really upsetting to know that these feelings are indeed going to come back.

What to do to fix this? Ok I guess… factors that affected my mood today:

  1. Messy apartment, messy room, feeling like neither of us can keep anything clean, but spiraling into me feeling like maybe I’m a bit masochistic to let this happen all the time
  2. Leaving the card at Target when I felt like I would rather stay at home and finish the wedding illustrations that I feel has been taking me WAY TOO FUCKING LONG
  3. Having to deal with Han while Eddy got Popeyes and knowing I want to train him to be a service dog but he’s a fucking beagle and it’s like the hardest stubbornest dog to train. Realizing how long it’s gonna take to do and wondering if it’s even possible
  4. My EYE has been itchy since last night and I dunno what’s wrong with it. Plus I was feeling itchy in different areas today, including feet and lips and I’m wondering if I’m having an allergic reaction to something. Not fun to experience while dealing with Han pulling on his leash trying to keep him away from kids at the park while waiting a bajillion years for Eddy to come back with his Popeyes that I’m not even gonna eat cuz I ate MCDONALDS this morning. UGH.

I’m really not feeling well, and the day started off SO GREAT. Would keeping a clean apartment and room really help? Ugh I feel like PROBABLY YES. I think I need to work harder at my foundations… my structure of schedule and trying to maintain a nice living space. Oh that’s another thing, I ended up waking up late and because we went to McDonald’s it threw off my whole schedule… meaning I got into work later than usual, got home later than usual, and now feel like a fucking failure again.

But I’m not, remember? At least I should remember. That’s the whole point of doing this. Right? To remind myself that I’m not just a fuck up. Treat yourself with love, Elora, remember. I should also treat Eddy with love 😦 I feel so bad I know he’s also prone to forgetting and I exploded at him because of the card.

He just came in and asked “Baby how much do you hate me? I’ll always still love you no matter what”

;____; He’s so perfect.

I’m so grateful to be with someone so patient… I think I need to go to sleep. It’s worth it to just note this mood and remember what the causes were… I’ve done my duty.

Today I watched Stephen Fry’s documentary The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive which was really insightful. There was a woman in there that said she kept a mood diary, 1-3 for mania, 0 for stable, -1 to -3 for depression. I think I’ll add that onto these as well.. it’ll be an interesting thing to track. There was also a guy who said that 20% of bipolar people kill themselves, 40% never function well enough and live with families, another 20% don’t function at their potential and get dead end jobs, 20% somehow stabilize and recover and can lead productive lives. I hope I’m part of the 20% that stabilizes and not the 20% that kills themselves or never functions 😐

“My stress is your easy day at the office. One person copes, the other goes mad.” – Stephen Fry

 

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