Day 4: I FEEL TERRIBLE.

Mood Diary: -2

 Lol I’m quickly going into the depression spiral, but trying my best to keep my head above the water. I guess that’s what this blog is for though… to get these thoughts out when I have them. So here we go.

Yesterday was pretty bad, and I thought today would be better but it’s really… not? But part of me is wondering if I’m doing it to myself. Almost like I was “expecting” it to happen, or I’m like… FEEDING the beast rather than just chillin with it.

I’m doing this experiment to make observations and provide a control variable to me on meds, but today I’m starting to see like… HOW DIFFICULT THAT IS because of how strongly the emotions pull me along. It’s super difficult to step back and just look at them, which I feel like I was able to do on the Latuda, and it was a refreshing change.

So why can’t I do it now?

Some patterns I observed today:

  1. Less motivated to do things
  2. Looking at myself in the mirror is absolutely awful… I swear I see myself differently now and think “piece of shit” more than “hey it’s coming along…”
  3. The old habit of dreading any social interaction but being totally ok with it when it actually happens is coming back. An old coworker brought in his daughter today because she’s like the biggest fan of the show we’re working on, and it REALLY brightened up my day for like an hour. It reminded me of why I’m working in animation in the first place, how much cartoons can make a difference in people’s lives, and how meaningful they are to especially children. Omg even just typing this is bringing a smile to my face 🙂 MAYBE THIS IS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT?!
  4. EATING BAD FOOD I JUST ATE A BURGER AND FRIES TO FEEL BETTER! From an expensive not so great food truck no less! SIGH.
  5. Focusing too much on the negative and feeling like if I bring up the positive, I’m lying to myself
  6. Getting notes on an assignment and feeling like the world is over and I’m gonna get fired
  7. Getting too distracted to finish work at a reasonable time OH NO

I need to stop writing and finish my work.

Final thought though… Maybe I really do focus too much on this internal landscape rather than what’s happening in the real world. Maybe I’d be happier if I did that? I dunno… I seem to hate surfacey things but… most of the world that’s like all they talk about. How am I possibly supposed to fit in?!

Amy just told me that what I am right now isn’t me, it’s “Demonic Elora”… basically the beast is taking over… it’s no longer a friendly beastie. But I CAN tame it. That’s what the whole point is right? I just told her like.. it’s so strange because I think the biggest difference of my mind on the meds is that, when I’m on them it’s SO much easier to distance myself from the emotions. I might feel it a little bit, but then I can just step back and be like “nope!” then go on with my life. And it’s SO FRUSTRATING TO ME that I can’t do that right now! WHY?! Why is it so easy to let this take over?! And if this is always taking over my life, then I’ll always be obsessing over it… and if I keep obsessing over this… how can I ever like be a functioning normal human and have anything relevant to say in any conversation?!

Everything that happens in our days are reactions… and right now I feel like there are so many tiny triggers happening in my day that are just throwing me down the spiral… for some odd reason. If only I could identify those triggers–is it even worth it though?! Is this just me putting too much stock in these evil emotions? The line is so blurred I can’t tell what’s right from wrong anymore…

“Imagine your 14 year old self crying to you  about whatever was important at the time and you felt it SO STRONGLY then. It’s the same now. Yeah it’s hard to figure out how to get yourself out of these ruts, but it’s not that bad if we just stop feeling shitty about it first.” – Amy Chen

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