Mood Diary: 0
“Our happiness depends on the habit of mind we cultivate” – Norman Vincent Peale
Considering how bad yesterday was, I’m surprised at how nice TODAY was. I’m not even sure if it’s because I learned from yesterday or not, but all I can say is that I think I’m already doing a better job being aware of things. Or maybe it’s the Summer Solstice and the weather was just really nice? Haha who knows!
Something that’s becoming clear is that I need human interaction. Most days I hole up in my corner at work and don’t speak one word to anyone… and those are the days where I feel like shit. Yesterday I felt so awful and knew I should try to force myself to talk to someone, so I got up and was literally shaking walking down the halls to see if anyone wanted to walk to get food with me. Finally one of my friends came, and rather than hide how awkward I felt I chose to tell her about my disorder and also about my anxiety. She was really understanding, and even did my little anxiety dance with me where I saw too many people sitting at a table and I fled in fear.
That was REALLY hard for me, which is why I remembered that today and made a point to talk to people. The weather was gorgeous out, so I went on a walk with 2 separate people and we even came across a hummingbird feeding its young! What a beautiful sight! Gotta share the video because it was just so cute! Hummingbirds are my absolute favorite birds and my spirit animal 🙂 Sometimes when I’m manic and unable to slow down I feel just like one, beating my tiny wings way too fast just trying to survive.
I really feel like…being outside reminds me that we humans are creatures of nature, and we don’t belong at desks. Rather than be negative about that as I usually am though, I chose today to recognize that, like it or not this is the life I’ve chosen. I like my friends, and my life here is a lot better than I think on most days. I really need to be more grateful.
That’s something else that hit me hard on the walks. When you take the time to check up on people on a more regular basis, you realize that everyone is going through shit just like you (obviously) but a lot of the times, way worse than you. Being holed up at my desk, yeah maybe I’m gaining new perspectives watching people talk on youtube, but there’s nothing like talking to real people who you know in the flesh. It’s SO IMPORTANT to talk to those around you, see what’s happening in their life, and remember that not everything revolves around you.
I’ve been getting really into Deena Kastor’s book Let Your Mind Run. Although it started off slow for me, about 2 hours in when she meets her running coach it really picks up. More than running, it’s about learning how to shift your mindset to be more positive, but what I think it does better than other self help books is that she uses her memoirs to describe how EXACTLY her mindset was shifting. She explains how to counter specific negative thoughts she was having, and how over time she felt her energy actually change which is something that I’ve experienced but haven’t known how to explain. I guess you could say that this book has validated my own experiences and lets me know that I’m on the right path.
One part that I especially loved today that was super inspiring was her talk about losing a race and she was so disappointed. Her ever positive coach kept telling her that she did a good job, and that the fact she was disappointed showed that she was invested, that she cared. When you think about it, it’s so simple — transmute the failure into motivation. Realize that there IS positive reasoning behind the negative feelings. Disappointment is rooted in the desire to be better…find the light within the darkness. If you think “this is as good as I am,” you eliminate your own power and allow for self judgement. Change that to “this is as good as I am today” and it allows for growth while returning power to you.
“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening” -Lisa M Hayes
Another nice thing I encountered today was in a podcast Bre sent me with artists Dave Rapoza, Dan Warren and Brad Rigney. It’s so strange because I feel like synchronicity has been at work lately with having the right information fall into my lap. I’ve distanced myself from the art world for so long that I’ve stayed away from art talk of any kind, but hearing the questions that their listeners would ask was so surreal to me because I was able to tell how far I’ve come. I also really enjoyed listening to their talk about depression, starting at 2:58:30. One of the guys was talking about exactly what I was talking about above, how he has to force himself to go outside or he’ll go into the depression spiral, along with going to the gym 3 times a week.
I’ve been running a lot more, and getting back into doing Yoga With Adriene who, by the way I missed DEARLY. It’s so dumb how even when we find things that work for us, life gets in the way and we somehow stop then things get worse again and you somehow find your way back to something you could’ve just kept up with the entire time. I’ve been doing her peace series on the members only part of the site, but considering she updates weekly I think I’m gonna restart her Yoga Revolution series which was her first yoga series that I felt changed my life. I am also SO grateful for Adriene’s channel because really… even more than the Headspace meditation app, the way she teaches yoga heals my soul. I feel like I’ve reunited with an old friend that’s able to soothe this chaotic mind of mine 🙂