Day 8/9: Memories

Didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because it was another kinda whirlwind of a day.. but a calm whirlwind. Eddy’s friend Jason was visiting from the bay area and it was an AMAZING experience to hang out with them. Eddy isn’t one to have too many friends, but Jason is special. They hadn’t seen each other in about 6 years, but Eddy invited him to be a groomsman in our wedding so Jason wanted to come down to see Eddy for the first time in a while and meet me. I was worried it would be awkward between them, but when I got back from Karen’s to hang out I was pleasantly surprised.

These guys have a lot of history together, and it was really cool for me to see Eddy act this way with someone else. Like a brother basically… it was super cute I’d never seen him that way before. Jason also exceeded my expectations, he was super cool and really open so it was easy to get to know him.

A weird thing was happening in my mind the whole time though. I think lately I’ve just been becoming more and more aware of the state of things, in terms of what my mind is doing but also what the world actually is. Hanging out with Karen and Jason this past weekend, I oddly started focusing on cycles in my head. Cycles of time… cycles of events, situations.. EVERYTHING. I think I’ve been processing the Joseph Campbell, Power of Myth series on Netflix for the past couple weeks, and it’s just now hitting me. Joseph Campbell talks about circles, and how everything is a circle and he proceeds to describe what are circles. Some examples being days, holidays, seasons, years, jobs, relationships… our entire LIFE is a circle.

I couldn’t help being very conscious of the fact that I was just visiting Karen, Jason was just visiting us, and that as fun as these interactions were they would eventually end. That then spiraled into me REALLY enjoying whenever Eddy and Jason would reminisce about something. Coupled with me and Jason talking about our journeys to self discovery, learning how to take control of our out of control inner landscape, and how hard it is to not give a shit what other people think of you… I feel like so much of life started to click for me.

Something I very much believe in is the power of story. When you sit back and think about it, that’s all each of us is… a story. That story is what we relay to other people, but it can never even be a full thing because we CHOOSE what to tell. And all of that comes from memory, which ends up being a very fickle thing. When old friends come together to recall memories it’s incredibly beautiful because those moments in their past could only happen due to a unique set of circumstances. Hearing how Eddy and Jason met, from JASON’S perspective blew my mind. I’d heard of him the entire 4.5 years we’ve been dating, and I always wondered what kind of person this guy would be if Eddy spoke so highly of him. But Jason speaks equally, if not more, highly of Eddy… and that made my heart burst. To hear the same stories Eddy would tell me from his perspective, I really saw the impact these 2 guys had on each other.

We only grow up once, and the people that end up being in our lives during that time is really all we get. It makes me so happy that these 2 guys found each other and had such a large impact on each other’s life. I used to spread myself so thin, meeting all these people, trying to get over all this dumb anxiety, that I didn’t really get to form a relationship like that with just one other person, and it’s truly a special thing. Even so, watching Eddy and Jason made me realize that I need to express gratitude more to the people in my life who HAVE been in it for a while. Who HAVE had an impact. Because really… these people who have been with us are there for a reason. Hell even Eddy and Jason’s story being a part of my life I feel happened for a reason!!! It reminds me how beautiful friendships can truly be… totally like a shounen anime/manga haha! I was literally living a dream of mine from childhood… witnessing the in depth friendship of two cool ass martial artists, one of whom I actually get to marry. It was TOO MUCH I felt like I was fangirl imploding the whole time over 2 characters that I made up in my head but were also real. Kinda like this, but way less creepy.

The more I think like this, the easier I feel it will be to get out of depressive episodes if I keep all of this in mind. Being aware of the importance of each little thing in our lives and being GRATEFUL for the pattern of life that has brought us to the unique experience that we’re living really makes it so that…. I dunno I feel like I have nothing to be sad about. All this is just an experience. Life is basically just one big amusement park that we can choose to see as such, taking every mundane thing and seeing it as a miracle. And I’ve decided I’m really happy with what my life is becoming and who I’ve ended up having in it 🙂 Somewhere along the line, I guess I started making good decisions for myself.

Even still, I spent so much time caring about what I look like, if my art is good enough, if people like me whatever… that I never stopped to think that regardless of any of that, people still talk to me. I have a past, with people who I’ve had important relationships and memories with, and I should alone be grateful for THAT. It doesn’t matter what I look like today, or if I stuck to my schedule last week… everything just comes to an end anyway and it’s really not that serious. All I can do is choose what kind of life experience I want today, and I need to embrace that and enjoy it way more than I have been. All the people around me are in my world for a reason, and everything familiar right now will become a distance memory someday so I might as well just have a good time in it while I can. Why is that so easy to forget?

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