Day 13: UGH.

I am NOT in a good mood. It’s super weird because this whole week I’ve been generally ok during the day, but at night I throw these horrible tantrums. It’s becoming more and more clear that my indecision is such a stress factor in my life. Like right now…

I CAN’T EVEN STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RIGHT BECAUSE I’M SO TENSE.

What ends up happening is that I curl up every part of my body… I think it’s actually resulted in ankle problems and this week, a horrible stiff neck because I just can’t relax. I think it’s because it’s hitting me really hard how little time I have, and Han has been SUPER annoying. I love him and hate him at the same time. It’s so goddamn hard to have a puppy when you can’t just give it your full attention and you keep feeling guilty when it looks sad and lonely. Dogs add so much to our life but are also a huge sacrifice… it really was a bad idea to get him while doing all this wedding shit. And SPEAKING OF. I FEEL LIKE IT’S SO MY FAULT ALL THESE THINGS WE’VE DECIDED TO DO. Some days I’m ok with it but today is one of those days where I am just SO PISSED OFF AT MYSELF at the decision to, for example, MAKE KAKAMORA. I feel so terrible for Eddy having drilled all these holes in coconuts and it looked so dangerous.

Where I’m getting ready for the wedding has been giving me all this anxiety the entire time because my planner and photographer and videographer keep asking where I’m getting ready but I hate how our AirBnB looks cuz I got it for cheapness! So whatever today I booked a room at a resort for the actual wedding day and day before, and was happy with my decision at first but then felt like backing out again! I OBSESSED ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS!!! I SERIOUSLY COULD’VE GOTTEN SOOO MUCH DONE IN THE TIME I JUST READ REVIEWS ABOUT THE PLACE I HAD ALREADY BOOKED!! And all it did was make me feel sorry for myself that I was impulsive and made a bad decision again, plus rope Eddy’s cousin into it… and now she can’t even get out of it.

ONLY TO LAND ON THE DECISION THAT THIS IS THE BEST DECISION!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?! And right after that I went straight for the kakamora to be like “UGH THESE AREN’T LOOKING EXACTLY LIKE HOW I WANT THEM TO LOOK” and making Eddy feel terrible AGAIN.

WHY DO I DO THIS?!?! It’s seriously SO FUCKED UP that it’s PAINFUL.

Eddy asked if I was manic and I really fucking hope not. I think the way to salvage this is probably sleep… because Han will never let us sleep in anyway and I’ll have to wake up at 7am at the absolute latest anyway. And Han super pissed me off today cuz he ate a pile of human shit over by the homeless encampment at the park then just kept running. One of our dog friends was even trying to help me catch him and he kept running away all the while chomping at the shit in his mouth. SO FUCKING UPSETTING. Sometimes I love that he’s a troublemaker and other times I absolutely hate it.

I JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH A MONSTER AT NIGHT LATELY. I LIKE TURN INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!! IS THIS EVEN HELPING?! I still feel SO TENSE that it hurts! When I’m like this I seriously like… FEEL my face and body contorting into awful shapes but just can’t get out of this mindset.

Or is that just the story I’m telling myself?

UGH Why did “you got off work at 4pm today and you haven’t done shit” JUST POP INTO MY HEAD?! FUCK YOU MIND. SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU.

IS THIS HELPING?!

I need to calm my ass down. What a useless fucking entry. Did this even release some steam?! DID IT?! God. I’m just gonna get off this damn computer and try to sleep I guess. Fuck it.

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