“Everyone is too busy hating themselves to hate each other.” – Christie Tseng
Don’t have much time to write but am determined to not let my current mood spiral into a depressive episode so I need to get this out somewhere. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately… some days I mean aren’t that great or anything but I feel like I’ve been able to keep my head above ground without sputtering/nearly drowning for about a week which is really good for me. Today is really the first day in a while that I feel I could easily fall into the same dark habits of the past… so I want to battle it.
Something is wrong with my body today, and it scares me because it reminds me of the depressed me. I’m super sluggish for no reason. Because of my manic energy from 2 days ago, I was barely getting any sleep but last night I took melatonin and slept a good 8 hours. I shouldn’t be so tired today but slept at my desk for like an hour… ugh. I’m once again having that “need for isolation feeling” also where I’m feeling like answering any type of text message is a chore, and also that everyone secretly hates me.
It’s funny too because I had lunch with Christie today and I swear I was in a much better headspace earlier in the day. We even talked about how stupid it is to obsess over what other people think of us, or how we’re being portrayed. We agreed that the times we were super self conscious around others were times when we were projecting our insecurities onto other people and deciding FOR them how they feel about us.
I sent some wedding invites late and felt so much shame about it… feeling like I really fucked up and because I sent these invites late, the people I sent them to would hate me. I still feel that way and am wondering if that’s partially why I’m feeling sad today. The sadness rolled in some time after lunch and now it’s kinda just sitting here clouding my head and my judgement. Nothing else really happened today… I just sat and worked. I guess maybe one of the notes I got upset me since it was almost a total redraw but rationally I know it shouldn’t upset me. So why? I guess I’m also feeling some guilt about how I didn’t feel like approaching people to talk today, even though I really wanted to and it made me think like “Am I really making enough of an effort to be the nice friendly person I wanna be? Maybe not… how do I force myself to do that?”
I just left work instead of make myself go socialize and succumbed to the pressure of my old habits. Is that why I’m sad? Or maybe I’m sad cuz I wanted to lose all this weight before the wedding but I’ve been royally slacking off lately and today was the first time I ran in like a week. And maybe that’s what’s making me tired? Maybe my body is already not used to physical activity and I feel like all the efforts I made before to lose the 31 lbs I’ve already lost are just being overrided by shit food.
Ugh who knows… but I’m trying to just empty my head of all this useless shit to hopefully make it so I can do what I need to do. But you know what makes me sad? I feel like I never have fun anymore, you know? I miss having fun… but really feel like anytime I wanna have fun, I should be doing something else instead. It’s the bane of my existence really… not knowing how to relax. Maybe that’s why I’m so exhausted? I dunno…
I guess I also feel bad about the wedding. Another one of my bridesmaids might not be able to make it and I feel terrible that the thing is in Hawaii and that people feel pressured to go. What have I done to myself and my guests? Complicated all this shit and made them jump through hoops to what? Just watch me and Eddy get married? Was this really the best decision? Ugh I mean I’m learning a lot but… I GUESS THAT’S WHY I FEEL SO UPSET TODAY. I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING BACKWARDS.
Ok Elora, listen up. You may feel like you’re going backwards and losing all the progress you’ve made thus far, but you’re not. You know why? Cuz you’re writing here. That’s right! This is a different behavior than normal! Instead of just wallowing, you’re trying to approach this rationally and think it through, separate yourself from it. GOOD FUCKING JOB. I know you don’t wanna spiral, and because you’ve done this… you won’t. Trust me.
I was thinking in the car too about how sad it is that people live their lives in their own little bubble. Our soul and mind are self contained in this vessel that is our body, and that’s so inherently lonely it’s upsetting to think about. I just finished watching GLOW season 2 and boy was it powerful. I dunno why that show is marketed as a comedy because really, there is SOOO much great dramatic acting and complex character development. Something I love that the show does too is how they portray the loneliness of people… everyone is going through all this dark emotional shit but the people around them don’t know that they are unless that person mentions it, you know? If we choose to keep all our pain to ourselves, we’re just gonna implode. And I guess that makes me sad, and also makes me wonder if we can truly ever be happy.
You know I’ve felt pretty happy this past week or so, even though I’ve had minor freakouts and have the normal feeling that time is passing by too quickly. Which is why today is so jarring. But you know what, I already feel better. Something else I was thinking about today in the same vein as above is that, because we’re all so alone, it’s IMPERATIVE that we befriend ourselves. Amy called it becoming your own partner in crime, which I really love. We all feel so alone but if we can successfully manage to feel like we are our own friend, we’ll never be alone. I’ve been feeling that a lot more lately, that I’ve been becoming my own friend, but we’re just getting to know each other so maybe this is a hiccup. Or maybe it’s just, the darkness transforming itself into my buddy, but having some difficulty along the way as she turns into light? I dunno. But I think I’m sufficiently emptied of emotion and can continue with my day. I gotta get SOME of this video done before collapsing to sleep… as much as I want to do that right now.
As boring as this post is, I feel like we’ve made a breakthrough of some kind here. Thank you, inner me.
You’re very welcome 🙂