I realized I rarely reflect back on things I’ve written in the past. I remember reading some advice somewhere not to do that…but I have to learn what helps me.
I tried making a new blog more focused on healing, but understand now that I’m not ready for that because first I have to stabilize myself. Going back and reading my very last post on this blog before I did ayahuasca has taught me a lot. It seemed like I was in an “ok” place then, which was nice to see.
Whenever I feel like the world is “new” I enter a really dangerous state of mania where I can’t stop focusing on only what’s new. Doing ayahuasca has thrust me back into that “new” world and in a sense I DO have to develop armor again…and I’m so worried that it’s set me back further than I thought…I just turned 30 and thought I was on a good, right track. Now I have to learn to be conscious of so much else to even hope for some sort of stability?
I’d like to think I’ll be ok…I slept on it but still woke up later than I wanted…despite the positive voice in my head I can’t help but focus on feeling down…
Living is either such a gift or such a curse. Why can’t I just LIVE without feeling one or the other? Isn’t that what normal people do? How the hell do they do that?
