Feeling the duality hard today. Integration has been a roller coaster. Today Amy brought up her struggles with me and it made me realize how tired I am with speaking. Human language is so limiting, and since I’ve been back it feels nonstop recounting my ayahuasca journey to people on weekend excursions and weekday lunches…by the time I get home I’m just so drained and can’t speak at all. But then Eddy is going through his own shit and our conversations have just become a complicated miscommunication mess due to my state of mind.
I’m tired of constantly feeling the need to tell everyone about something I’m excited about. I need to learn to just be alone and keep shit to myself, but it’s almost like that goes against everything I’ve been for such a long time…I’m not sure who I’ll be if I embrace this type of life.
But She’s been telling me to listen and pay attention, and I think the thing I’ve NOT been paying attention to is how all this TALKING and INTERACTING is causing so much tension in my body. It’s no longer anxiety like before but…now it’s just tension from overexertion and I gotta cool it. Silence would be much appreciated…seems like I’ve had a constant headache from word vomit lately my goodness.
I wanted my next entry to be our ayahuasca journey but because of the state I’m in…I just can’t right now and gotta accept that this is ok. I need time and wanna do it when it feels right. THIS entry was more important right now. Gonna be patient with myself and take a break.
Amy suggested this lecture to me today cuz I’ve been going on and on about duality since I’ve gotten back and she said this reminded her of me. Lol I haven’t finished it yet but…it’s already been pretty helpful. I gotta learn to stop talking and just BE.
Haha I just realized that I created my last blog to document my bipolar journey after I got off my meds, and this blog is basically becoming my ayahuasca integration journal…and now I’m migrating back to the bipolar blog! It’ll be cool to look back at this in a couple years and hopefully say something like “look how far I’ve come!”
Turn off those expectations, Elora. You know better than that 😛