Since I’ve last blogged on here, I got myself a “Sacred Storytelling Priestess,” basically a Life Coach who also does Sacred Storytelling (her name is Leah Lamb and she is AWESOME). She’s helped me out more than any therapist ever has because we’ve been working on learning how to harness my creativity. Since our journey began together back in April, we’ve been adding some structure into my life, developing better habits, and building my voice. Even though I’ve been making great strides, so much of the time it doesn’t feel that way. I’ve had to get back on medication (60mg of Latuda) in order to function enough to be productive in any capacity, and sometimes, like a couple days ago, I still have earth shattering episodes where I feel like I can’t possibly come out alive.
But I always do. I’m still here, and I’m gonna keep fighting.
During said episode, I finally feel like my bipolar showed itself to me, in a physical manifestation. I started this blog a while ago thinking of the bipolar as a creature of darkness, but until now haven’t been able to visualize it in any capacity… and I think that part of me was afraid to. But it was something Leah had mentioned a couple times since we started meeting, how I need to put a face to this thing. Well… now that I have, I have big plans, and part of it is bringing life back to this here blog.
I started Bipolar Beastie to document my journey being off medication. I’ve learned a lot since then, part of which is that I’m currently too unstable NOT to take medication. I found that last time I tried taking it, my doctor put me on too high a dose too quickly. This time, I don’t feel numbed out… I feel more of a calm, and it helps me get sleep. It gives me a clear enough head more of the time to figure out better ways to function, like through yoga, meditation, or creative expression like art. When I wasn’t on the medication, I was overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions ALL THE TIME, and although I was trying a lot of things, I was spending ALL MY TIME just trying to cope and keep my head above water, rather than realizing what actually helps and how. Being on the meds and figuring stuff out, I’ve been able to build more awareness to begin to discover who I actually am in the in between… even though that “in between” feels very rare… When you’re being flung around so often by the depression and mania (I’m very much a rapid cycler), it’s tough to see who YOU actually are.
That being said, I have a project I’m working on, and I’m going to now be using this blog to explore it. Leah suggested writing one paragraph a day about what I’m learning from the bipolar, and allow it to be organic. Some days it might be a paragraph, other days a doodle or a poem… we’ll see what happens. The important part is that I’m actively engaging with this thing, and that I’m sharing what comes of it… something I’ve been afraid of doing for a really long time for some reason. When it comes down to it, I want this blog to be a place of discovery… somewhere I can say whatever I want, however I want and share things I would never be willing to share anywhere else. I’m really going to make this a home for my emotions and my creativity… a place where I can feel safe to grow. That’s something I’ve always wanted 🙂
Yay for new life chapters!