Off Meds Again – Day 2

So I’m off my meds again. It’s funny because I went to my psychiatrist 2 days ago and we were talking about awareness of symptoms, and she mentioned how difficult bipolar is to diagnose, and how it’s often MISdiagnosed. And how basically everything like diagnosis and treatment is really all up to anyone’s best guess. I’ve read things like that before too… about how people aren’t even SURE how pharmaceuticals ACTUALLY work… and I think hearing my psychiatrist express doubts like that made me subconsciously forget to take my meds. I was already thinking about it though, because in yoga they were talking about how it’s better to know yourself without any altering substances to be a yoga teacher. And I agree with that. Although my meds weren’t making me feel “numb” all the time, sometimes I would feel numb and wonder if it was the meds or me. It’s an interesting battle… how do you find yourself? Between symptoms of depression and mania, or between how you are on meds vs how you aren’t on meds? I suppose I fell into the thought process of “well, I wonder what I’m actually like now if I don’t have meds, because I’ve been feeling so stable with the yoga.” It bothers me how I can’t tell what’s actually working, the meds or the yoga? And since I’ve started work I’ve been feeling a strange emptiness yet calmness… and I suppose I’m just curious to try this experiment with myself. In the end, I would rather NOT be on anything because really…who am I? I would like to know.

All that aside, today some dark familiar thoughts of inadequacy crept in but I managed to stave them off. It truly dawned on me that THINKING too much about just how inadequate I think I am is such a time waster, and really won’t get the work done. I feel like I’m becoming more of a professional. Everyone at work seems so put together…and I know that’s just on the outside, but I definitely feel like I entered this zone of “well adjusted human artists working together” and couldn’t help feeling a bit like a phony. I think I’m holding it together pretty well though… initiating interactions with people in moments I would used to feel awkward, not having crippling anxiety, not dwelling on specific things I said. But weirdly… I feel so strange. Hence the getting off the meds thing. I’m really not quite sure what to think, or maybe I should just stop thinking? Maybe this “not thinking” business is actually a symptom of LEARNING TO BE IN THE PRESENT?!

I hate though that “feeling behind” is starting to creep in again. I can’t help but think of what Leah said, about how she can tell my bipolar is preventing me from flourishing and reaching my true potential, and that it should be my top priority to keep it in check. But that involves seeing what works… and I’m starting to see too how constantly thinking about it, or wondering what’s up with it, is taking my attention away from other things. Like, things I could like perhaps. I definitely like “things” but I can also tell how my obsession with figuring out what’s wrong with me, or stabilizing my symptoms trumps all else and ultimately makes me feel like I pursue things less for “fun” and more for “function” which kinda bums me out 😦 It really does feel like a curse…

I’m not even sure what I was trying to say this post. This is just the ramblings of the day… I suppose that’s what these always are but especially today I feel like things are just not fully formed and I’m in some kind of a daze…

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