Calm In A Numb Kinda Way

For the past couple days I’ve been feeling calm in a numb kinda way, but not in the numb way that I felt when I hated being on my meds. Eddy says its maturity. It’s the in between. It’s not feeling particularly high or particularly low… and it kinda bums me out. It was bumming me out too much I tried to find some things to worry about, and Eddy totally saw right through me saying “You’re just looking for things to worry about right now, but it’s because there isn’t really much of a reason to complain.” He was right. My brain is addicted to worrying, and now that things seem to be going ok I don’t seem to know exactly what I am. I’m shifting…starting to live a new story without knowing the script yet.

I was depressed today but in a way that’s different than normal… more because I wasn’t feeling much at all. Went out for a hike and felt better being out in nature… I at least got out of the “everything is pointless I just want to die” internal monologue. But it’s strange that I can’t seem to recall too many thoughts and it scares me. It’s like my thoughts are there but aren’t at the same time, so I’m not sure what to talk about with people around me… including Eddy. It’s like… because my thoughts seem in disrepair, I’M here but not at the same time, which makes me feel a bit like… my existence is useless? Yet… maybe it’s ok because at least I’m not freaking out? I dunno… Really not sure what’s going on… is this what it feels like to grow up?

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