Sometimes I Think There’s No Hope For Me… But I Have To Try Anyway

Here’s a picture of the hole Eddy punched in the door today. The dryer in our apartment complex is broken again and when he told me I was dismissive about it and he said “Easy to say for someone who never does the laundry.” I want this to serve as a reminder to me that this is the day I told myself I would make a lasting change.

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It’s true. I never do the laundry. I never do much of anything for that matter, because I’m an entitled piece of shit who was stunted in growth because my mom always did everything for me and told me everything I did was wrong. Now I’m trapped in this fucking body with a fucking mind that I fucking hate and I sometimes think I’m making progress but then as soon as I have to do something like COOK or CLEAN I get so bogged down by the FUCKING MAINTENANCE IT TAKES TO KEEP THIS LIFE GOING. And THAT’S from my mom too cuz she was always SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING.

HOW DO I STOP BEING OVERWHELMED BY THINGS?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING GOOD, BUT I’M ONLY DOING “GOOD” WHEN IM DOING MY “OWN THING.”

Everything always “gets in my way.” Work, naturally, but how much longer am I going to complain about simply HAVING TO WORK? I logically know my job is pretty awesome yet I STILL JUST HATE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. And POOR EDDY ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HE’S IN MY WAY!!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THERE FOR HIM, TO SUPPORT HIM, YET I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO “GET SOMEWHERE” WITH MYSELF FIRST.

But WHERE?! This “place” is NEVER GONNA COME. And I ALREADY KNOW THAT. Did my mom pass on NARCISSISM to me too!? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELF CENTERED!?!?

I thought I did a good thing by taking this punch in the door seriously. I ended my teacher training early and took the wet clothes to the laundromat and did 2 other loads also. I felt great at the time. Very meditative. Then I went grocery shopping and decided to cook a healthy dinner, but as soon as it got even a bit hard, as soon as the dishes started to pile up, I fucking LOSE IT. And all this TALK starts happening “I FUCKING HATE COOKING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I SUCK AT IT ANYWAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE” and then SUDDENLY I’M TAKING IT OUT ON EDDY.

HONESTLY HOW DOES ANYONE DO IT?! Like HAVE A FUCKING LIFE where you DO things you wanna do AND WORK to make a living AND cook AND keep your environment clean AND have a relationship with your husband. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!? My god.

I KNOW I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE. I’m honestly surprised it took Eddy 6 years to punch a hole somewhere in our apartment. Sat Kriya yesterday really did a number on me… I really FELT at a DEEP LEVEL that I have to become a different person. Not different… new and improved I guess. Because all these patterns I’ve got… NOT working for me. I’ve lived this way for TOO FUCKING LONG and even the way I’m talking to myself in this post is FUCKING DISGUSTING. RIGHT AFTER TEACHER TRAINING TOO YOU ASSHOLE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I DID try to shift my inner talk to “kindness” while I was cooking… it worked a little bit. I even turned my reiki on to try and infuse the food with love. BUT I COULDN’T HELP SHIFTING TO HATE. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST WANT A NEW BRAIN. WHY WOULD I RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN BOTHER TO  MAINTAIN THIS LIFE?!

I told that to Eddy and he said “That just shows you have such little gratitude…” It may SEEM like that to him but honestly… I’M GRATEFUL FOR SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY EDDY. BUT WHY CAN’T I SHOW IT!? WHY DO I JUST HAVE TO SLAM THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELL AND SCREAM AND THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM WHEN I’M 31 YEARS OLD!? I think I KNOW why… but it’s just FUCKED UP that I still have SO MUCH OBVIOUS RESISTANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A LASTING CHANGE. WHY!? SO I CAN KEEP BEING MISERABLE?! It’s not like killing myself would do EDDY any favors either, that would fuck him up for the rest of his life! SO I’M KINDA STUCK HERE UGH.

I AM FUCKING SICK. OF. IT. I’M DONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Eddy likes to communicate with me through music. He plays THIS ONE a lot. Thought it was appropriate.

Note to self… I got pretty angry today… and I’m recently back on meds. The other time in recent history that I’ve gotten this angry I was also on meds… could this rage possibly be a side effect of the latuda? Or is it a side effect to the 62 min Sat Kriya? Ugh Jen just texted me actually and it made me cry… because I truly TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE IN MY LIFE. WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING IT UP!?

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