When Will I Be Ok With Who I Am?

Wolves are always ok with who they are”

– Amanda Beer, Wolf Connection

My cycles are starting to become unbearable and the more I try to figure them out, the more shitty I feel. It’s like the more awareness I have of myself, the more I hate myself for being this way…

Yesterday I started this awesome program called “Women and Wolves” at Wolf Connection, a ranch that offers wolf therapy here in Southern California. I was way too excited to start and it totally triggered my mania and I ended up making a horrible first impression on the group, speaking my story from my head and not my heart, taking up all this time and rattling on and on about things that didn’t matter. I could tell they probably thought I was insane because I was talking so fast and I know I came off so self absorbed… It’s like I was swept up in a current that kept pulling me further and further from shore… I’m super bummed because I was so excited to start this journey and ended up making a fool of myself and don’t even feel comfortable going back next week.

Something that gives me hope though is how they mentioned we’d be returning to our story during the final week to see if we’re seeing it a little differently…they talked about one of their wolves Annie, and how she lost one of her legs and that they used to introduce her to groups with that story. “Here’s Annie she’s such a symbol of resilience for losing one of her legs,” but that Annie would howl over them speaking. This made them realize that maybe this wasn’t her story…that she was more of a warrior who didn’t let what we’d consider a “disability” bother her. So they started telling a different story… they didn’t talk about her accident anymore, they focused more on her being a warrior. And they told us how they wanted us to start viewing our stories that way too… hopefully by the end of this, I can finally let go of this story I’ve been clinging to for far too long, that I’m really starting to feel as a hindrance to my wellbeing. Why is letting go so fucking hard?!

When they brought out my favorite wolf Willow I felt like breathing into her presence completely calmed my weird energy down and I was able to feel grounded in my body again. I hadn’t even realized how nervous I had been and how that made me vomit out words I didn’t even realize…I suddenly felt flooded with shame for just HOW MUCH I TALK when I need to just LEARN HOW TO BE.

Willow came out with her tail between her legs, which they said shows both a nervousness but also a sign of peace. They explained how her behavior would probably be described as “anxiety” in humans, but that she just accepts that it takes her a while to get used to a new environment and new people, and that’s ok. They called it “attuning to her environment.” She allows herself the time to get used to something before taking action, and it’s TOTALLY NORMAL. Whereas we humans like to diagnose different types of energy in favor of what the culture seems “normal.” I realized that what I’ve been experiencing lately (especially because I’m off my meds and had to stop smoking weed for a variety of reasons) is this new awareness of how unconsciously I act due to way too much manic energy in my body.

They said that wolves are always ok with who they are…and I’m wondering when I’ll finally be ok with who I am. The shame I felt in that meeting yesterday made me feel INCREDIBLY far away from accepting myself, and immediately afterward my mind jumped to suicide because I felt so hopeless about who I am. I started looking up stories about drowning, because lately that’s been my method of choice. But then I felt a ton of shame for how little mental discomfort I’m able to handle…just because I feel like I came off as a crazy weirdo to a bunch of strangers? God I seriously spiral way too quick and it’s so easy for me to forget all the good I have in my life. I really need to be more like a wolf.

Here’s a photo of Willow from an in person visit I took to the ranch last month. She has a really strong presence, and they were surprised when she came over to sniff me. It felt like a blessing. Seeing her again yesterday even over zoom I felt that same presence, and without all the people around it was awesome to watch her open up, get comfortable and not be so on edge. They call her a symbol of “balance” because by this point (she’s 11) she knows who she is so well that she’s very conscious of her needs, and that inner strength is immediately felt when witnessing her. I could feel her nervous apprehension when she was brought into the space, but they explained how she takes time to “attune” to down regulate that energy and calm herself down. I hope I can get there someday…With as much healing work as I’ve done on myself, I’m still unable to regulate. I try to not let it bother me, but I’m really sick of it…seeing Willow gives me hope and reassurance that maybe I’ll get it someday.

Lately my mania has been OUT OF CONTROL and Eddy keeps telling me I need to be silent, because my throat has been hurting for over a month. It’s like the awareness I’m building is making me so uncomfortable that being alone with myself makes me feel this bubbling up energy that needs to explode in a flurry of speech…but at this point in my life I’m honestly so fucking exhausted. I’m literally on a roller coaster I can’t get off of…like a horror movie one that wants to kill me. And now it’s beyond mental, it’s in my body and I just keep getting sicker and sicker to where I’m starting to have to cancel all my client meetings…

I’m so tired and I want off…

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