I’m convinced there’s something in my head that’s trying to kill me. It’s like a creepy vampire bat that hides in the corners of my psyche, smiling. Waiting for me to feel shitty enough, hopeless enough, to swoop down and whisper in my ear.
“Do it. Your life has no value. You’re so selfish. You do this to yourself. He’s better off without you. They all are. What are you even doing with your life? You’re just taking up space meant for someone more important.”
Every time I think I’m making progress, I get knocked on my ass again…Maybe it’s because I got vaccinated today but it’s especially bad…I just really feel like there’s no hope for me… It’s all so exhausting. Staying alive. At what point do I recognize that I’m beyond saving? I feel like I’m there now.
It’s been a shocking realization the past couple days of how much I don’t value myself or my own life, which then bleeds into the lives of my husband and my family. For some reason, I seek validation only from new people, because they don’t know how fucked up I am. How am I supposed to live this way? Like my value only exists in relation to people I barely even know? It’s such a hollow existence.
I don’t take myself seriously because it’s difficult to sustain connection with my center, and my true goals and aspirations. I instead keep taking in the goals and dreams of others, stacking more and more on top of me because I’m so desperate to feel like I’m doing something useful, so I don’t feel as worthless. But that worthlessness is always there, and whenever I pause and take a breath, I’m reminded why it’s so hard to be alone with my thoughts.
I’m really sick of this. Every time I feel like things have gotten better, I turn around and suddenly it’s worse than it’s ever been. This selective memory is really fucked up. Like all the positive parts of my mind have straight up disappeared and everything just feels so hopeless. I’m so tired of fighting…