Confessions From Quarantine 04

BB_CFQ004

We all put up a facade to the external world to hide the parts of us we don’t want anyone to see. If someone asks us how we’re doing, even if we’re having the shittiest day we’re not expected to actually talk about it. For people who feel so intensely and deeply like myself, it’s tough to show up for work everyday and even in a great environment, still be so affected by those around me. Having to work from home for an extended period of time has taught me just how much energy I naturally expend around other people to project this “bubbly” persona. Some days yes it would be genuine if I was feeling it, but most days I’d be depressed and anxious, worrying what other people will think of me if I CAN’T be in a good mood. And this feeling would take over my entire day, making work absolutely MISERABLE. Those FEELINGS were all I could focus on. For me, there’s a certain shame in not being “on” for people, even though my logical mind tells me that it really doesn’t matter, no one cares, and everyone has their own shit to deal with. It’s a huge part of why I quit social media. It’s unhealthy to feel like you need to “portray yourself” a certain way to the world. I knew that pattern I had developed needed to be changed, to be healed, but there was never any time to really do it.

Having to stay at home has finally made me sink into who I really am, accepting that there are different sides of me that need to be honored and expressed. It’s taken a lot out of me to hide these parts of myself for so many years, expecting that someday I WOULD just be able to just be happy and bubbly for people ALL THE TIME and come back into the world. Absolutely ridiculous. It just got worse! Having the opportunity to slow down has allowed me to shift that perception of feeling that I need to “be something” for other people. After living so much of my life moving WAY TOO FAST to really take in and enjoy ANYTHING, I see now that slowing down IS actually an option, and it’s so necessary for someone like me. In order for me to stop feeling so much shame, I’ve decided I HAVE to talk about who I really am in order to move past this wall that’s gotten so high over the years. Hiding our true selves takes a HUGE toll on us that just piles up over time until we’re crushed under the pressure. It’s so important to just…learn how to be you.

Phew! Been meaning to say this for quite some time! It’s funny how liberating even drawing that image of me was….

I set out to do this comic for “art therapy” reasons, but I guess I really didn’t expect to feel what I’m feeling working on it. For me this whole thing is a legit life reflection session…it’s like sifting through broken glass to find pieces of gold.

When I did this page I was the vibrating, pulsing kind of manic and I feel like as much as I tried to control it, to me it shows through even in how I wrote it. I love that I’m learning how to channel my emotions into this… it’ll be so valuable to look back on when I’m in those dark times 🙂

And such a great release to finally let go of all this!!!

Confessions From Quarantine 03

BB_CFQ003

It’s been SO WONDERFUL to finally feel like I have an outlet to express these emotions… I was never able to before and it was so painful ;__; Phew!!! These are some insights from my depressive episode last week. I think it’ll be interesting to see the comic flip flop in styles depending on my mood haha!

Confessions From Quarantine 02

BB_CFQ002

I just have to say… I’m really grateful for being on the path that I’m on during this crazy time. I feel like I’ve made such immense progress as a person over these past 10 years and it blows me away how I am where I am right now. I would NOT be able to handle it as well otherwise…

Seriously… going to meet Mother Ayahuasca broke me open in ways I’m just beginning to feel and understand. Moving forward as a species, we have to all be able to connect with nature in a similar way as taking ayahuasca… She has a way of making you feel it.. feel it ALL…that warmth of connected oneness with the universe. And we’ve done so much to damage her so now we’re paying the price…

I watched this pandemic series on netflix and in one of the episodes a student asks this virologist “Why do you think humans haven’t evolved to take care of this virus yet?” and he replies something like “That’s the question isn’t it…” But to me it really does seem something like… this is just part of the cycle. As humans we have to collectively learn how to handle the pain of the consequences of history if we’re meant to move forward once this quarantine is complete.

And what kinda person will you be then?

Tuning In

042220_FriendsShows

Mood: 🙂

Had this conversation with Eddy yesterday and was so amused by his answer haha! His introversion never fails to amuse me xD

I think about this sometimes… that idea of how you basically are like a mix of your 5 closest friends or something like that. Who you choose to have in your life is SO important because their stories are literally what you’re tuning into on a regular basis, and whatever repetition we have gets lodged so deeply in our brain we don’t even realize it. It’s time to start questioning what kinds of people we want to become, and who we have in our life plays a big role in that. If their values don’t match yours, then let them find their own tribe, and you find yours. It’s really tough to “break up” with friends, but it’s usually for the better…  This has been so instrumental in my healing I can’t even imagine where I’d be without the people I have around now. And I’m SO invested in their stories it makes me feel like my own life is richer for it!! 😀

Sometimes though when I get in a bad place I feel bad about the people choosing to tune in to ME. Like “Am I just the crazy girl?” With my yoga group, when I left and they had to look for me I thought “Am I just the runaway?” Clearly we’re more complex than archetypal labels, but I think they’re helpful tools to step back and see what we’re consciously and subconsciously portraying to the world around us. If it doesn’t match what we wanna be in our head… it’s time to start moving toward that. That’s what I’m beginning to do now and it’s been an interesting experience 🙂

I AM…

At the Journey Home women’s retreat I went to last year, we did an exercise where we went around to each woman as a sort of “speed date” and we told our partner positive traits that our intuition FELT about them, while looking deeply in their eyes. In the end we chose which of those traits to claim, in the form of “I AM.” Gosh I haven’t looked at this for a while…and it just makes me tear up. I am so grateful for all those wonderful ladies I connected with that week. They told me what they could see in me… and it was beautiful. Posting here as a reminder for when I need it:

I AM MAGIC
I am a seeker of truth
I am barefoot in the jungle
I am in a huge underground cavern nourished with running water and beautiful rock formations
I am acceptance
I am an infant and wise woman all at once
I am chosen innocence
I am deep wisdom
I am the fairy lights
I am overwhelming at times yet sparkle with infectious aliveness
I am fierceness, vitality and exuberance
I am a warrior goddess who champions love, joy, courage, honesty and authenticity
I am Elora. 

Perhaps I’m starting to see it a lil bit of this within myself… 🙂