Honor The Ending: Time Is An Illusion

It’s the time you spend on your rose that makes your rose so important. … You’re responsible for your rose.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Two weeks ago my friend Amy and I got back from an ayahuasca retreat called Dreamglade in the Peruvian Amazon. I wanted to kick off this blog with that story, but when I started looking through photos and videos I realized that it’s just too big, and rushing would be doing a disservice to the whole experience. It also put me in a really strange mood that sent me spiraling into a familiar darkness.

I foolishly thought that, with all the progress I’ve made because of the ayahuasca, I would be impervious to pain. One of the themes throughout the journey was recognizing that pain is temporary and all you can do is move through it, rather than wallow in it. I felt like I had made a major breakthrough, but coming back to this “reality” I now see that pain manifests in so many different ways. Modern society is naturally overwhelming because we’re all constantly overstimulated, so to be able to isolate reasons for feeling a certain way can be difficult sometimes. It was much easier at Dreamglade because we were literally only working on ourselves, and had so many of those stimuli taken away to detox from this mess we live in. Eddy reminded me that a retreat is literally “backing away from a battle to recuperate,” and for me, coming back to Los Angeles to live my “normal” life is like returning to battle.

I wanted SO BADLY to honor our two week Dreamglade anniversary and spent hours yesterday trying to get it done in time, neglecting so much else. I fell into the same patterns of beating myself up about it when it got later and later and realized I just wouldn’t be able to do it. Looking at photos made me feel even worse, like I was losing something important by not having archived it quickly enough. Watching my video journals while the emotions were still fresh, seeing myself talk about little details I’d already forgotten made me so afraid that I’d forget everything I’d learned and felt. That this whole ayahuasca journey, the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life, was already fading into a dream and it would all be for nothing. I heard Drew’s voice echo in my head “You’ll remember what’s important” and responded with “No I won’t, that’s bullshit.”

But then I remembered this “meditation for endings” that Adriene released on her Yoga with Adriene channel yesterday for New Years, and how she emphasizes the importance of “Honoring the Ending” and a “Resolve to Evolve.” I did this first thing in the morning as soon as I got the email, and it made me cry because it resonated so deeply. It’s amazing how we as humans all struggle with such similar issues of not being able to commit to practicing what’s good for us because we crave “perfection” or “instant gratification” which makes no sense when we’re still new to something!

“This is one of the most maddening things about human nature: we quit doing the things that help us most.” – Phil Stutz & Barry Michels, The Tools

My whole life I’ve struggled to commit to anything, allowing myself to wallow in the dark hole of my pain. It’s resulted in me feeling depressed, stuck and unable to follow through with anything important…life continually slipping through my fingers. Being diagnosed as bipolar, I am very much a slave to highs and lows, not understanding how to balance that duality and live in the normalcy of life.  Another Drew quote from the retreat when I was going through some pretty bad shit — “Maybe this is a sign that you just need to start living.”

But what if you’re not even sure how to live, after not living for such a long time?

This is a very common problem with our species, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because we’re all slaves to time, and need to constantly remind ourselves that time is an illusion — Something my dad also clearly struggled with, expressing his frustrations in a comic where time is literally the enemy, “Tempus Fugitives.” But time is something so abstract, a force we’ll never be able to control as mere mortals. This is why “honoring the ending” is SO important, and something great to keep in mind while moving into 2019.

There’s talk about how, after doing ayahuasca, you experience a lot of synchronicity in your life… things that seem to just be meant to happen. Reading The Last Unicorn (and also The Little Prince) has been part of this for me, because I am getting so much life changing advice from both of these books. There’s a part of The Last Unicorn that completely blew my mind regarding time, which I think sums up the issue quite beautifully. It made me realize that what ayahuasca does is open ourselves to receive messages from the higher powers, allowing us to see the world differently and experience magic. Because what is magic? Things that we don’t understand that inspire wonder, similar to when we were a child. And, ayahuasca or not, I believe that magic is always there. We just live so blindly on a normal basis and float through life without recognizing what’s actually important. And this is why art exists, as a desperate plea from people who have experienced these universal truths — a reminder to take the time to see.

“When I was alive, I believed–as you do–that time was at least as real and solid as myself, and probably more so. I said ‘one o’clock’ as though I could see it, and ‘Monday’ as though I could find it on the map; and I let myself be hurried along from minute to minute, day to day, year to year, as though I were actually moving from one place to another. Like everyone else, I lived in a house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days, and I never went outside until I died, because there was no other door. Now I know that I could have walked through the walls.” – Peter S. Beagle, Last Unicorn p.236

This literally made me tear up just typing it out for this post, because it’s SO FUCKING REAL and WE ALL SUCCUMB TO IT. We feel constantly busy, constantly behind, things piling up to such a crippling extent that we don’t allow ourselves to live…but what are we even living for at that point? It’s such a joke! “A house bricked up with seconds and minutes, weekends and New Year’s Days”… “New Years” is just another excuse to put more pressure on ourselves to set resolutions that we won’t commit to if we don’t see the root of the problem.

Even now, attempting to honor endings, part of why tears came while during the meditation was my fear of failure. The fear to just let go and experience life, rather than try and control it. The fear of TRUE CHANGE. But the same behavior has prevailed time and time again and caused me so much pain…and what is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. The results won’t be different unless you make the choice to change, and that choice is where all our power lies. That choice is our magic.

“The clock will never strike the right time. Haggard scrambled the works long ago, one day when he was trying to grab hold of time as it swung by. But the important thing is for you to understand that it doesn’t matter whether the clock strikes ten next, or seven, or fifteen o’clock. You can strike your own time, and start the count anywhere. When you understand that — then any time at all will be the right time for you.” – Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

Time is much more fluid than we think…it moves backwards and forwards, and if you pay attention, the more life you live the clearer this becomes. I’m already starting to see it, but that’s for a future post. This quote from Haunting of Hill House explains it well for now.

I thought for so long that time was like a line. That our moments were laid out like dominoes and that they fell one into another. Days tipping one into the next into the next… in a long line between the beginning and the end. But I was wrong. It’s not like that at all.Our moments fall around us like rain…or snow. Or confetti.” – Nell Craine, Haunting of Hill House

As we left Dreamglade, Amy and I were huddled in tears in the front of Stacy’s car as he was playing sad, appropriate songs like this one:

And she said “I feel like the end credits are rolling” which made me cry and cling to her harder, not wanting the moment to escape because it was too perfect.

Indeed, that’s exactly how it felt, and during these magical times I try my best to “live in the moment” but can’t help feeling like it’s never enough. But this too is part of being human. We live in the painful space between past and future, a space that doesn’t truly exist. The tragic beauty of humanity is that nothing lasts forever, and everything comes to an end.

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Me and Amy in Stace’s car during the “end credits.” Huge thanks to Erik for the photo!

To make me feel better last night, Eddy reminded me of the concept of “eternal return,” and the idea that time is infinite and because we can’t even fathom the nature of infinity, it’s nice to believe that time will repeat itself someday. So every experience that we have is part of us forever, and rather than be sad about an “ending,” focus on how beautiful it is that we’ll always have these memories within us. People constantly take photos and videos to capture a moment, but, like Mother Ayahuasca told me in Peru “The best camera you have is your mind.” As badly as we want to cling to the past, we have to trust that regardless of details, we’ll remember the feeling we had at certain times in our life, and that’s what we have to treasure.

This is a constant message in tons of books, movies, songs… because it’s such a universal struggle and requires effort to remind ourselves to focus on gratitude rather than sadness. And this is what “honoring the ending” and “resolve to evolve” means. All we can do is be grateful for the joyous experiences in our life and use them to better ourselves… to remind us to commit to practices that clear our minds so we CAN focus on the good rather than the bad, and be patient with ourselves when we fall into the trap of being human.

We have to remember that the most important thing about life is to enjoy it with the time that we have and the people who we love. And to be patient with ourselves so we don’t miss this opportunity. Happy New Year everyone, 2019 is going to be different. Let’s approach it without fear or expectation. Remember…pain is temporary.

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Day 15: Lion King Changed My Life Pt 2

“Ah, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it…or learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King

Woke up this morning and finished Lion King… it’s funny how my un-high mind has a hard time communicating thoughts in a stream of consciousness way. This was so much easier last night! My sober mind was still JUST as affected by this movie though… it’s SUCH a beautiful thing when something can be so relatable and touch your heart in a way that makes you want to be a better person.

Eddy always talks about how similar I am to Simba in terms of wanting to run away from all my problems. Really… Hakuna Matata is SO GREAT. Simba was in really bad shape when he was chased away from Pride Rock, and he would totally have been dead if Timon and Pumbaa didn’t find him. Timon says to Simba “You gotta put your past behind ya. Look kid, bad things happen and you can’t do anything about it. When the world turns the back on you, you turn your back on the world.”

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Simba does eventually learn to put the past behind him, but he needed this period of isolation and “turning his back on the world” to subconsciously rack up the courage to do so. There’s no WAY he could’ve survived to take on Scar without living the “Hakuna Matata” lifestyle first. He needed to HEAL dammit!! And it’s really nice to remember that! ;_;

Gosh what I would GIVE to live that kinda life… I don’t think I’d even mind eating bugs! Living peacefully out in the woods, looking up at the stars at night, not having any worries or problems… really sounds like the way to go. It’s the way of the shaman! I’m so annoying to Eddy by this point how when I get into my horrible moods I immediately jump to running away, faking my death, and living on an island somewhere. He never entertains these thoughts, but I constantly bring them up anyway because when I’m in a bad place, it’s definitely the easiest solution to turn to.

However what Lion King reminds me of is that can only last so long… Eddy always brings it up too. He KNOWS that over time I would get restless living that kinda life, because I’m meant for greater things. Well… not so much that second part. He urges me to just live in the moment because this is it. The moment that we’re living right now, THIS is life. Even if I were to escape, my “grass is greener” mentality still wouldn’t let me be happy. I need to change that whole outlook first, and I think slowly it’s finally starting to happen 🙂

Lion King is great because, even though we’re not all royalty, meant to grow into a role of king or queen, it suggests that we have to learn to put the past behind us and embrace what’s happening in our current life. We can’t just run away forever, and we have to look within us to remember where we’re from, and who we are.

Especially now after losing my dad, I feel like I’ve become a completely different person. I’m starting to care about real shit, rather than focusing on my internal stress and worry all the time. I would go so far as to say… going through my dad’s death forced me on the path of “growing up,” something that I was fighting for so long because my mom always tried to force me to grow up and I naturally rebelled. It’s interesting how in all these Disney movies, or in tons of movies in general, the parents or someone important to the main character dies. In so many things, even Magic The Gathering, the “spark” within is ignited by a traumatic event, waking up the person to become a Planeswalker.

It’s easy to become complacent, but certain events in our life are a “call to action” and we have to make a choice to become who we’re meant to be or stay stagnant. Watching Mufasa come out of the clouds to remind Simba who he really is… that’s some powerful shit. It’s so dumb but I can almost see my own dad coming out of the clouds to remind me to embrace this life I was given and really go for it. Not like I’m a king or anything, but there’s so much I wanna do with this life I was given that I’ve chosen to neglect because of the stupid past. Hearing Mufasa’s booming voice say “Remember who you are” is that call to action I needed… and it’s nice to know that if I’m ever feeling down or that feeling of stagnation to just watch The Lion King. I’ve always loved this movie but, I think more than any other Disney movie, the meaning has changed so much for me in my adult life that it can be a powerful tool for kicking my ass out of depressive episodes.

It’s so easy to let the past rule our lives and mess up what we SHOULD be paying attention to, so much so that it cripples us to actually LIVE. The Lion King is a great reminder that we need to have the courage to take responsibility over who we are and who we’re meant to be, because it affects those around us. As much as I love Moana because it helped me cope with my dad’s death when it was still VERY fresh, I think Lion King deals with similar themes even better than Moana, in a deeper more adult fashion. There’s so much death and darkness in it, but that’s fucking life.

Lol Black Panther dealt with similar themes too, in such a similar fashion. Man life is hard and responsibility sucks, but it’s just a part of it. Sigh. Gotta work harder. Thank goodness I’m not some secret royalty… seems like that would make it even worse haha! I’m grateful for my life, and also for having the dad that I had…I can’t take that for granted. Something I need to remember moving forward.

Day 14: Lion King Changed My Life Pt 1

“Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I.“ – Mufasa, The Lion King

I think I just discovered why the saying “this is the life” exists. I’m currently super baked, watching The Lion King with Eddy and sitting with a cute tired Han and being like “this is the best day. This is why life is worth living. If I could just always feel like this I’d be happy, but it’s ok if I don’t because just knowing that this exists should make me happy and accept the temporary-ness of life. THAT’S true happiness, and I can understand this concept because I believe I am currently witnessing what true happiness is. Life is so simple!!! It’s living totally in the moment with the most important people/pets in life bf doing something that makes you feel like you could last an eternity in THIS EXACT MOMENT. I believe this is what love truly is — an eternity. No wonder there are all those eternity rings!

There are two main topics I wanna get to for this entry but I dunno if I’ll get to them both. Why?

1. Because I’m at 3% on my phone and way too comfy on this couch to go charge it. I’m living on the edge folks! Typing with my fingers at the speed of light! Geez can you believe cell phones actually exist right now? Don’t things like this make you feel like you live in the future? But when you think about it, is it the future that was MARKETED to us?! Everything is marketed to us! America is SO EVIL but we can’t help but live here cuz we’re human! We are the villains of the world! Sigh. I don’t want things to be like that anymore 😦 Damn I went on a tangent.

2. The only reason I’m typing this is because Eddy is taking a shit so we’re taking a break from the lion king, and I don’t wanna fall asleep. Cuz I’m tired as fuck! We had such a tiring ass day but accomplished SOOOOO MUCH! Including getting wedding bands! Ugh I wish I took a pic of both our rings!! 😦 What a bummer I dunno why I didn’t think of it. Here I’ll post pics I have though lol and one of eddy wearing the darker ring (he ended up getting a tungsten one that looks like iron). We tried on so many rings today and it reminded me of trying on wedding dresses. Just cuz it’s pretty doesn’t mean it feels right! That’s a lesson huh?

Ok another tangent. Whoops! I really wanted this to be about the Lion King! Cuz damn rewatching this shit as an adult is AMAZINGGGG!!

I can’t possibly get into how this movie is making me feel. This bit here where Mufasa is “punishing” Simba and telling him that dad’s get scared too and basically showing simba his vulnerable side and really legitimately teaching something to his child, who up until that point has seen his dad as the ultimate hero, someone who has no fear, and isn’t an actually person (in this case Lion). Ugh and telling him he’ll always be with him and all the shit about the kings in the stars…GOD. I’d love to think that all our dead fathers are in the stars. Honestly I never thought my dad would die…I was so naive, till such a late age (27)!! What happened to me as an adult, Simba experience as a child in Lion King. Dude this bit shook me up so bad, I was crying up a storm. Han actually came up to comfort me too! His service dog training is working and he actually used it for the first time!! Having a dog is so great ;—;

THIS SCENE HERE THIS WRECKED ME!! REALLY LISTEN TO WHAT MUFASA IS SAYING! Gosh this especially hurts if you lost a dad…I used to WATCH this with my dad not realizing how lucky I was to still have a dad to watch it with…

But Seriously, Simba goes through SOOO MUCH SHIT!! Scar is THE ULTIMATE DISNEY VILLAIN honestly!!

Eddy is done shitting so here are some notes for future me:

talk about dictator scar, include video of be prepared. Nods to hitler and the nazis, the lyrics is like real life, a selfish bitter dude preying on the weak and feeble minded (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: too fucking tired to go into this so I’ll just put the video here instead. It’ll come back when watching I promise)

then link to when scar kills Mufasa (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: lol damn this has 1.6 MILLION views. Weird how the internet basically can show you society’s relevance of certain things in media)

and how he handles Simba at the end. Find a gif of Simba sliding down his legs and you can seein his eyes the guilt and fear of being led to believe he killed his own father. (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: Wow you really can find mostly everything as a gif on the internet nowadays huh…I can’t believe this internet thing happened during my lifetime. What a beginning to be a part of. Almost like the onset of the printing press or the lightbulb. What is this doing to our minds?! Well I’ll tell you this, if I didn’t have a cell phone, I’d be sleeping right now HAHA)

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Then scar even tries to kill him after! Jesus leave the poor kid alone!

So many layers to this goddamn thing. Sucks they stole from Kimba though but what I realized is every story is a translation of another of another story! But Damn Disney you really should’ve just given Kimba credit! 😦 1% battery I live on the edge!

OMMGGG HAKUNA MATATA! Ok we are way too exhausted and need to go to sleep. So excited for the 2nd half of the movie!

LOL I was just looking up Mufasa quotes and I shouted “MANNNNN. Mufasa…” and Eddy did this

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Today was a great day 🙂 Good night!

(FUTURE ELORA SPEAKING: I came back to insert links now that Eddy is asleep and my phone was at 1% and moving so slow it basically FelT like it was at 1% but it was so amazing cuz as SOON as I plugged it in, it parked up and totally worked fine again!! Technology is amazing and scary. Batteries…amirite?

Also random thought — do you ever wonder how people view you from the outside? Like…how to not see yourself as yourself? It’s hard but I think I did it today. And from the outside, I guess I’m doing alright 🙂 It’s important to try and see our lives as other people would sometimes 🙂 I think it would always be better than what a lot of us somehow get stuck in thinking if we’re depressed or in a bad mood. I wanna make a future where I feel like THIS more of the time!)

oh wow another post entry note (almost wrote “post post”…would’ve been so stupid). I was looking for that Simba gif I called out earlier and found this interesting article, The Lion King and the Stages of Grief. (“For the Love of Stori s”…what a great name. Glad so many people recognize the importance of story!) This movie is therapeutic as shit. I’m telling you I can’t see it the same way ever again now that I’ve lost my own dad. Now it’s a healing movie.

One again, because the Lion King is such a masterpiece, I HAVE to call out the original source material, Kimba the White Lion. Everyone should know about this of course, but I believe Lion King is STILL a masterpiece. Yes it’s Kimba meets Hamlet but I believe that makes it the strongest Disney movie in terms of story. They succeeded in writing a great movie (albeit the STRONG influence from Kimba :|), crafting great characters, getting a great cast and having AMAZING animation, which translated these stories for a bigger audience. The craftsmanship put into this thing is really an amazing and beautiful magic trick which should be admired. However, credit where credit is due. So much of Lion King seems ripped from Kimba…I wish they just said something… what did they think? No one would ever find out?! What a bummer 😦