I feel like I’ve had so many realizations and breakthroughs lately. I was excited for the future… dead set on making my plans work, making my goals happen. I can tell Eddy is worried about me actually making money since I quit my job. I’m also really worried about my mom. I HAVE to make money somehow. I know there’s really no going back, and I HAVE to figure this out at all costs. I’ve been working so hard to shift my mindset and how I view mental health in general, which I THOUGHT was getting me somewhere. But it really really sucks how all that seems to just go out the window when I wake up depressed. Like the day is fucking DONE before it even started. The overwhelming weight of the pressure of life just comes back and I can’t help but want to give it all up…just melt away…
I never expect it either… I’ve been using this Daylio app to track my moods, which has been fantastic. I suppose it’s working, but all it really shows me is, whenever I’m feeling great for an extended period of time, whenever I’m feeling functional, it’s only a matter of time till I drop. And that terrifies me. Knowing that one day, when I least expect it, depression will go SURPRISE, like a creepy ass jack in the box. But maybe that’s part of the issue… will I ever just be able to ACCEPT this part of myself? Rather than fearing it? Rather than dreading it? Will I be able to trust myself enough to know that, whenever I hit these lows, that it’s inevitable for me to bounce back up at SOME POINT in the future? I gotta keep the hope alive somehow…
Of course, highs and lows are normal states of humanity… which makes me feel even worse whenever I’m low because I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one in the world who can’t handle it. When I feel this way, all I want to do is run. All I want to do is disappear. Eddy always reminds me that he has stuff going on with him too… and it hurts because I always feel like I can’t be there for anyone when I’m like this. Much less him. He must feel so alone so much of the time, which is why he always has to have some kind of noisy show going on. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And all I keep thinking is “THERE’S ALWAYS SO MUCH NOISE IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE” rather than “I hope Eddy is doing ok…” It’s even WORSE because whenever I’m depressed, he thinks that it’s HIS fault and thinks I hate him! Sigh.
I hate the feeling of forcing things to revolve around me, always. It’s absolutely disgusting.
I have so many plans. I want to be an artist, but I feel so visually lost. Absolutely crippled. All I can do is use my words, and poorly. I’m so sick of it. I just wrote in my sketchbook today “TALK LESS, DRAW MORE” and already, I’m doing the opposite. One of my friends introduced me to this artist yesterday, Moonassi. I am blown away. I want to do things like this. When will I be able to get a hold of myself enough to create something that’s not just SCRIBBLES?!?!?! I have absolutely NO CONTROL. NO FINESSE. IT MAKES ME WANNA FUCKING BARF.
It’s a horrific realization to know that I always expect someone else to do things for me. That’s the reason why I haven’t created anything worthwhile. But if I expect someone else to do it for me, then what’s the point? It wouldn’t be me. I AM SO SICK OF DUALITY. I HATE THIS PARADOX AND WISH I COULD MAKE ART ABOUT IT. STOP WISHING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AND JUST DO IT. GOD DAMN I AM SICK OF YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE.
The more I write this post, the more I feel like I sink into the abyss…the more I become a victim. I’m SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT. I AM DONE I AM DONE I AM DONE. I DON’T WANT TO BE A VICTIM ANYMORE IT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I feel like I’m just a meat sack being flung back and forth between two extreme beings who really don’t give a shit about me. They’re like predators… just playing with their prey. Gotta save that meat sack somehow. There’s a soul in there somewhere. Sometimes it’s almost like I have access to it…but I never know what to fucking use my energy for when I have it.