Confessions From Quarantine 06

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It’s funny how our minds seem to naturally focus on the “bad” rather than the “good”, but I suppose it’s our “fight or flight” nature to survive. In order to cope with our overwhelming world, anxiety and depression have become the norm. We tend to put up a lot of mental protection to supposedly keep us safe, which results in a lot of subconscious “lashing out” behavior or obsessing over very specific things to give us some form of strange comfort. I’ve come to find that my biggest coping mechanism is my faulty memory which has helped me repress a lot of trauma in my past, but it also wipes out most good memories as well. I’m grateful to have Eddy who basically has a photographic memory, so he not only can remember movie quotes, but good times we’ve had that I quickly forget when things get bad.

Many of us are so lucky and privileged, yet we choose to a scarcity mindset rather than one of abundance — focusing on what is lacking in our lives and the world around us, rather than what we have and should be grateful for. This allows us to continue unhealthy patterns that result in repeatedly hurting ourselves, and possibly even others around us. The key is awareness and gratitude, but if we don’t have anyone to point out our behavior and we don’t know how to do it for ourselves, how are we supposed to get out of these toxic mental cycles? As a collective, we really have to start looking WITHIN for these answers. Only then can we really start to heal and find our own ways to raise our awareness, preventing us from falling in the same trap over and over again. That’s what I’m attempting to do πŸ™‚

50 First Dates is one of my favorite movies ever… I just love Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler romcoms so much, their chemistry is perfect! ;_; But this one in particular really gets me because of the memory issues. In the movie Drew Barrymore’s character Lucy has “anterograde amnesia,” a disorder where you stop creating new memories after a traumatic event. Trauma can create PTSD which affects our mind in all sorts of ways, and trauma is inevitable in our lives as human beings. Some of us are able to handle it better than others, but a lot of us are dealing with it subconsciously every single day in our thought patterns, bad habits and mental hangups. 50 First Dates addresses trauma in such a lighthearted and charming way, I highly recommend it, especially if you like romcoms!

This is my favorite moment in the movie and always makes me cry ;__; Especially because sometimes I feel so messed up that it’d be better for me to just not be in anyone’s life, including Eddy’s, for THEIR sake. This is part of the reason I tend to disappear or keep my distance. But this shows how love is stronger than that, reminding me that maybe those thoughts are just a bad pattern from the trauma I’ve experienced. Thankfully Eddy is so good at pulling me out of the darkness when I trick myself into thinking I’m a complete worthless waste of space on this earth.

This shows Lucy at the end of the movie watching her own external HD in the form of a VHS tape that Henry makes for her. I’m glad that I managed to figure out what to do for MY external HD! Can’t wait to make this comic into a book πŸ™‚

Sometimes I Think There’s No Hope For Me… But I Have To Try Anyway

Here’s a picture of the hole Eddy punched in the door today. The dryer in our apartment complex is broken again and when he told me I was dismissive about it and he said “Easy to say for someone who never does the laundry.” I want this to serve as a reminder to me that this is the day I told myself I would make a lasting change.

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It’s true. I never do the laundry. I never do much of anything for that matter, because I’m an entitled piece of shit who was stunted in growth because my mom always did everything for me and told me everything I did was wrong. Now I’m trapped in this fucking body with a fucking mind that I fucking hate and I sometimes think I’m making progress but then as soon as I have to do something like COOK or CLEAN I get so bogged down by the FUCKING MAINTENANCE IT TAKES TO KEEP THIS LIFE GOING. And THAT’S from my mom too cuz she was always SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING.

HOW DO I STOP BEING OVERWHELMED BY THINGS?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING GOOD, BUT I’M ONLY DOING “GOOD” WHEN IM DOING MY “OWN THING.”

Everything always “gets in my way.” Work, naturally, but how much longer am I going to complain about simply HAVING TO WORK? I logically know my job is pretty awesome yet I STILL JUST HATE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. And POOR EDDY ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HE’S IN MY WAY!!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THERE FOR HIM, TO SUPPORT HIM, YET I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO “GET SOMEWHERE” WITH MYSELF FIRST.

But WHERE?! This “place” is NEVER GONNA COME. And I ALREADY KNOW THAT. Did my mom pass on NARCISSISM to me too!? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELF CENTERED!?!?

I thought I did a good thing by taking this punch in the door seriously. I ended my teacher training early and took the wet clothes to the laundromat and did 2 other loads also. I felt great at the time. Very meditative. Then I went grocery shopping and decided to cook a healthy dinner, but as soon as it got even a bit hard, as soon as the dishes started to pile up, I fucking LOSE IT. And all this TALK starts happening “I FUCKING HATE COOKING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I SUCK AT IT ANYWAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE” and then SUDDENLY I’M TAKING IT OUT ON EDDY.

HONESTLY HOW DOES ANYONE DO IT?! Like HAVE A FUCKING LIFE where you DO things you wanna do AND WORK to make a living AND cook AND keep your environment clean AND have a relationship with your husband. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!? My god.

I KNOW I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE. I’m honestly surprised it took Eddy 6 years to punch a hole somewhere in our apartment. Sat Kriya yesterday really did a number on me… I really FELT at a DEEP LEVEL that I have to become a different person. Not different… new and improved I guess. Because all these patterns I’ve got… NOT working for me. I’ve lived this way for TOO FUCKING LONG and even the way I’m talking to myself in this post is FUCKING DISGUSTING. RIGHT AFTER TEACHER TRAINING TOO YOU ASSHOLE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I DID try to shift my inner talk to “kindness” while I was cooking… it worked a little bit. I even turned my reiki on to try and infuse the food with love. BUT I COULDN’T HELP SHIFTING TO HATE. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST WANT A NEW BRAIN. WHY WOULD I RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN BOTHER TOΒ  MAINTAIN THIS LIFE?!

I told that to Eddy and he said “That just shows you have such little gratitude…” It may SEEM like that to him but honestly… I’M GRATEFUL FOR SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY EDDY. BUT WHY CAN’T I SHOW IT!? WHY DO I JUST HAVE TO SLAM THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELL AND SCREAM AND THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM WHEN I’M 31 YEARS OLD!? I think I KNOW why… but it’s just FUCKED UP that I still have SO MUCH OBVIOUS RESISTANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A LASTING CHANGE. WHY!? SO I CAN KEEP BEING MISERABLE?! It’s not like killing myself would do EDDY any favors either, that would fuck him up for the rest of his life! SO I’M KINDA STUCK HERE UGH.

I AM FUCKING SICK. OF. IT. I’M DONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Eddy likes to communicate with me through music. He plays THIS ONE a lot. Thought it was appropriate.

Note to self… I got pretty angry today… and I’m recently back on meds. The other time in recent history that I’ve gotten this angry I was also on meds… could this rage possibly be a side effect of the latuda? Or is it a side effect to the 62 min Sat Kriya? Ugh Jen just texted me actually and it made me cry… because I truly TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE IN MY LIFE. WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING IT UP!?

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Confessions From Quarantine 04

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We all put up a facade to the external world to hide the parts of us we don’t want anyone to see. If someone asks us how we’re doing, even if we’re having the shittiest day we’re not expected to actually talk about it. For people who feel so intensely and deeply like myself, it’s tough to show up for work everyday and even in a great environment, still be so affected by those around me. Having to work from home for an extended period of time has taught me just how much energy I naturally expend around other people to project this “bubbly” persona. Some days yes it would be genuine if I was feeling it, but most days I’d be depressed and anxious, worrying what other people will think of me if I CAN’T be in a good mood. And this feeling would take over my entire day, making work absolutely MISERABLE. Those FEELINGS were all I could focus on. For me, there’s a certain shame in not being “on” for people, even though my logical mind tells me that it really doesn’t matter, no one cares, and everyone has their own shit to deal with. It’s a huge part of why I quit social media. It’s unhealthy to feel like you need to “portray yourself” a certain way to the world. I knew that pattern I had developed needed to be changed, to be healed, but there was never any time to really do it.

Having to stay at home has finally made me sink into who I really am, accepting that there are different sides of me that need to be honored and expressed. It’s taken a lot out of me to hide these parts of myself for so many years, expecting that someday I WOULD just be able to just be happy and bubbly for people ALL THE TIME and come back into the world. Absolutely ridiculous. It just got worse! Having the opportunity to slow down has allowed me to shift that perception of feeling that I need to “be something” for other people. After living so much of my life moving WAY TOO FAST to really take in and enjoy ANYTHING, I see now that slowing down IS actually an option, and it’s so necessary for someone like me. In order for me to stop feeling so much shame, I’ve decided I HAVE to talk about who I really am in order to move past this wall that’s gotten so high over the years. Hiding our true selves takes a HUGE toll on us that just piles up over time until we’re crushed under the pressure. It’s so important to just…learn how to be you.

Phew! Been meaning to say this for quite some time! It’s funny how liberating even drawing that image of me was….

I set out to do this comic for “art therapy” reasons, but I guess I really didn’t expect to feel what I’m feeling working on it. For me this whole thing is a legit life reflection session…it’s like sifting through broken glass to find pieces of gold.

When I did this page I was the vibrating, pulsing kind of manic and I feel like as much as I tried to control it, to me it shows through even in how I wrote it. I love that I’m learning how to channel my emotions into this… it’ll be so valuable to look back on when I’m in those dark times πŸ™‚

And such a great release to finally let go of all this!!!

Confessions From Quarantine 03

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It’s been SO WONDERFUL to finally feel like I have an outlet to express these emotions… I was never able to before and it was so painful ;__; Phew!!! These are some insights from my depressive episode last week. I think it’ll be interesting to see the comic flip flop in styles depending on my mood haha!

Confessions From Quarantine 02

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I just have to say… I’m really grateful for being on the path that I’m on during this crazy time. I feel like I’ve made such immense progress as a person over these past 10 years and it blows me away how I am where I am right now. I would NOT be able to handle it as well otherwise…

Seriously… going to meet Mother Ayahuasca broke me open in ways I’m just beginning to feel and understand. Moving forward as a species, we have to all be able to connect with nature in a similar way as taking ayahuasca… She has a way of making you feel it.. feel it ALL…that warmth of connected oneness with the universe. And we’ve done so much to damage her so now we’re paying the price…

I watched this pandemic series on netflix and in one of the episodes a student asks this virologist “Why do you think humans haven’t evolved to take care of this virus yet?” and he replies something like “That’s the question isn’t it…” But to me it really does seem something like… this is just part of the cycle. As humans we have to collectively learn how to handle the pain of the consequences of history if we’re meant to move forward once this quarantine is complete.

And what kinda person will you be then?

Note To Future Self – Things That Help

Mood: πŸ™‚

I woke up this morning not remembering my specific dreams, but with the word “PARTICIPATE” repeating in my head. I’ve been so on and off with participating my whole adult life — makes sense with so many ups and downs — but I feel like it’s time for me to engage with the world in the way I’ve always been meant to.

But I know it won’t be easy, and I have to be more vigilant about my patterns. I went running with Han in the park this morning, the weather is beautiful! And it made me think it would be nice to write down a list of what makes me feel better. A note to my future self — when it gets bad, do one of these things.Β 

  • Go to the park – meditate, read, nap, whatever. It’s the closest nature to you!
    Remember that, according to a study by the UK government (read about it here), it’s essential to our health to be in nature at least 2 hours a week.Β 
  • Go for a run
  • Play the ukulele
  • Listen to mantra
  • Listen to Laboratorium Piesni
  • Sound healing – shamanic drum, steel tongue drum, singing bowl
  • Play a videogame (Remember, play is important!)
  • Play with Han – Run around in the house with him a bit
  • Read (something fun)
  • Meditate — Kirtan Kriya is one that always makes you feel better
  • Journal

I wanna keep this list short and sweet. Remember this is medicine for your soul. Take this shit seriously so you can function in the world.

To make it even easier for you, here are links!

Laboratorium Piesni
Close your eyes and connect with your soul…


Mantra
Chattr Chakkr Varti – The mantra for change – It removes feeling of anxiety, depression and phobias, leaving in its place courage and victory.Β 

Meditate
Sa Ta Na Ma – Studies have shown that doing this meditation increases brain activity, eases depression and mood swings, balances right and left brain, improves memory function and more! Click here to read about it and here for instructions on how to do it if you’re interested πŸ™‚ It looks like a lot, but if you just turn on this song, close your eyes and move your fingers along, you get into the swing of it real fast.Β 

SAA: Infinity, cosmos, beginning
TAA: Life, existence
NAA: Death, change, transformation
MAA: Rebirth

Loved my Yoga With Adriene practice today, so linking that too for good measure!

Remember, “where attention goes, energy flows.”

Bipolar Extremity As A Superpower!

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So that’s what I mean by “enjoying life”– allowing yourself to feel this blissful, like everything is right in the world, even if it’s burning down around you.

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“Now this is livin’!” – Me at this very moment (Wonder what it’ll be tomorrow lol…)

Dunno if I’m going manic or what, especially after what happened yesterday… but I dunno I’m just feeling really great all of a sudden. I think it started when I was working and thinking “I wonder if I can enjoy this” and then I realized that, part of what’s been wrong is that I NEED TO ENJOY LIFE and I’ve been CHOOSING not to this whole time! And it JUST dawned on me.

How ridiculous is that?!

I think… on good days like this for me… I can step back and see that life is just one huge game. I think it was as I was reviewing older posts and I saw this enneathought I posted.

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I am simply the result of too much selfishness and egocentricity, but to look at it and accept it… to KNOW that where I’ve come from has turned me into that… I can now just… let it go.

I wish I could see the enneathoughts for the other types for that specific one… because it shows me that we humans on earth, basically all we’re here for is to exist to provide examples for other humans to learn. I was looking back at my life today thinking “at what points do I feel like I’ve learned the most? And what am I learning from? I feel like I’m ALWAYS learning!”

And that’s because you learn from the world around you!Β  Yeah sure people go to school and value that sort of academic learning… learning more about how other people say the world works… but someone like me learns from doing. Learns from experiencing.

And I think that’s why I’m one of those “Apocaloptimists” they’re talking about, and Eddy is the complete opposite of that.

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I’ve been following this “healer” path for a while, but I guess just realizing it’s a healer path since I’ve come back from doing Ayahuasca, even though I had been doing it all along.

You know, people say about mental illness that you can shift your perspective to see it as a “superpower” rather than a “flaw.” I could clearly see the obvious superpowers of bipolar — boundless energy, sometimes productive mania, generally more open with others — but one of the something I’m starting to become really aware of is the EXTREMITY of it all.

I guess I’ve been slowly becoming aware of this for a while, but it hit me really hard today! When I went to the Journey Home women’s retreat last year, Claire brought up the idea of a pendulum, and how we have to allow ourselves to swing all the way to each end in order to truly see ourselves and heal, but a lot of us are afraid to and only swing somewhere in the middle.

But if you live just in the middle…it’s true that you feel less pain because you have walls up to protect yourself, but is that truly living? Some would argue that not truly feeling life to it’s fullest isn’t, but I suppose some people would be ok with that in order to be safe. One of my friends literally told me so when I mentioned the pendulum — she did NOT want to venture further, which was shocking to me!

So that’s what I mean by “enjoying life”– allowing yourself to feel this blissful, like everything is right in the world, even if it’s burning down around you.

Lol I feel like I now understand this on a deeper level:
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Yes, this is a good mood day, but it made me realize how much I value this “enjoyment,” and I suddenly started seeing that I was choosing to just look at certain things as “unenjoyable” when… that was only a perception I was deciding to choose.

But that’s just a habit right? A pattern? And something I realized today was the effect music can have on me… I never knew before, but I guess today I was extra sensitive, and I noticed that listening to mantra calms my mind down enough to simply enjoy the act of working.

And now having felt that enjoyment working, I can continue to chase that feeling to release dopamine and keep me entertained by something I previously disliked. And maybe turn THAT into a habit instead!

Of course this is just a hypothesis and I won’t know until I try it tomorrow and… I wonder if it can work even if I’m depressed. At least it’s a ray of hope!

Something interesting too is, I asked Eddy if he considers it a priority to “enjoy life” and he said no! I knew it! I don’t think it is for an Enneagram Type 5! To him it was more about “protection of life.” I wonder… what would YOU consider your “priority” of life? Yes, it changes… but I’m curious what it could be other than to “enjoy” it too.

ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING!!! The extremity is a superpower because we as bipolar people ALLOW OURSELVES TO FEEL BOTH ENDS OF THE SPECTRUM!!!

I dunno how this is with other people, but at least for me I feel like I come alive in a crisis situation. Like… if everyone else is freaking out, I feel like I can keep calm and somehow make people around me feel better, even though normally I feel like I’m complete shit.

Yeah, it sucks to be on the low end but I’m betting that being in that dark place so much gives us a tolerance to it that only people with similar experiences have. And because we’ve been equally as far on the other, “good” side… (remember: pendulum) we’re able to stay optimistic because that feeling was SO GOOD that we’re constantly trying to get back there. Then once we’re there and people experience our true joy, they see that it IS possible… to feel that. And that’s one of the true beauties of life, isn’t it?

And THEN, when the world goes to this level of darkness, like it has, many of those people haven’t allowed themselves to feel enough pain to be ok with it. Like their tolerance is too low. But I suppose… being a hungry ghost to the extreme level — a “perpetually unsatiable 7,” the hunger trains you for… The Hunger Games. LOL.

“Lessons from gluttony”, if I’m not mistaken haha xD

I’ve noticed that people at these retreats and such that I’ve been going to are similar… they’ve gone through enough pain to make them seek an alternative path in life… a path that’s painful, but they don’t give up trying to understand — themselves and others. It truly is the path of healing, because once you heal yourself, obviously you’d want to pass that knowledge along.

And that’s what I’m vowing to do. Hopefully I can remember this… and come back to it.

We’ve all got superpowers! I’m so happy I feel like I’m starting to discover mine!

This is the song that helped you have this epiphany btw, good idea to maybe come back to it later when things go bad again. Ganesh is a great for you — “REMOVER OF OBSTACLES” — exactly what’s needed right now πŸ™‚ Highly recommend this mantra if you wanna stop being stuck! I’m gonna try listening to it the whole time I work and see what happens!