Constant Discovery, My New Treatment

On Monday I had a long talk with Jen because I was a crying mess in the 40 Days To Optimal Health group and Red Tent last Friday, plus I missed my appointment with her in the morning because I was so out of it. I’ve been having difficulty planning and teaching my yoga classes while in a depressive low…something I was worried about but didn’t think I’d have to deal with until now because I’m actually in it.

I also had a long talk with her after my ER incident and we talked about meds, and the potentiality of me getting off my meds, but she said she hadn’t actually expected me to. After I was prescribed Lamictal though, I was pretty worried about getting that fatal rash it’s known for because I had already experienced some rare side effect and was afraid that…maybe I’m just unlucky. I don’t want that rash. I also found out that one of my bipolar friends was hospitalized on Lamictal for it making her too manic, and I don’t want that either. Honestly I’m starting to feel in my gut that part of my purpose is to learn how to fight this thing WITHOUT medication. So this was a serious talk on Monday about what she thinks I should do to stabilize myself without it. Thankfully she’s helped a lot of people get off their meds, so she knows what she’s talking about.

She said she wants me in CONSTANT DISCOVERY, and I think it just really hit me what that means. We only grow up once, which is why whatever comes our way we’re doing the best with what we got, cuz no one really knows what they’re doing. It’s all about building experience, and we build experience by going through things, making memories, and storing those memories within our hearts. Whenever we react to something, it’s like an opportunity to really DISCOVER what our past self is trying to tell us about the patterns we have built. Every time we react to something…it’s a chance to get to see ourselves, MEET ourselves, and the person we are becoming. This is what “constant discovery” now means to me, and I’m truly excited to go on this journey. Because it really takes the pressure off.

I see now that before my diagnosis, I was always expecting myself to do something. Be something. Build certain skills. Get certain jobs. Get a certain amount of followers. But these unrealistic expectations kept building and building the pressure until I was crippled and incapacitated beneath it all. I was trying to do too much while trying to “figure out what was wrong with me.” When I was diagnosed, I feel like puzzle pieces started clicking into place, but that was 2 years ago and I feel like I’m still discovering what that diagnosis even means. And I see now that what it really is is an opportunity…this opportunity for discovery, now knowing that I share symptoms with this bipolar population. It’s given me a chance to heal, now knowing roughly what to expect. This hit me today too…this kinda letting go of the pressure I was feeling before…knowing I’m committing to this constant discovery of myself.

As I was walking Han this morning I got choked up walking past Amy’s old apartment and remembering her coming out of her parking lot to pick me up. And I thought about Bre’s text to me yesterday saying she felt “haunted” and she proceeded to tell me her memories of when we saw this amazing meteor shower a couple years ago. When I was hit with these memories this morning I realized that this is how it is…we collect memories and they come up and affect us when we least expect it. Not even bad memories…but good ones. They remind us of what we perceive as “better times” even though we’re always struggling…there’s a melancholy to them…this simultaneous joy that it happened, but sadness that it’s over, and that’s just the existence we face. It made me even sadder this morning thinking of that…missing the past…and realizing that everyone feels this way. But that’s when this constant discovery really hit home for me…this “only growing up once.” When I was really manic in my early 20s life was a blur…my whole 5 year college relationship I can barely even remember. It’s now that I’m really choosing to commit to this form of self treatment, self discovery, that I’m allowing to slow down to see how these memories actually affected me. Changed me. And created patterns within me that affect how I live today.

Jen also mentioned pattern disruption, which is basically just rewiring your brain. Choosing to do something different when you can catch that you’re doing the same thing you normally do. So she told me when I start to isolate myself that I really need to reach out to my community…say that I’m starting to enter a low or high and get support for it. Enter a conversation about what it actually means, where it’s actually coming from…like detective work to really get to know myself, rather than falling completely in the hole and starting to wallow.

This is gonna be really difficult, cuz it’s going against my natural instincts. But if it means really getting to know myself and I can frame it in that way…it actually sounds pretty cool and interesting. It’s like getting to know a new friend 🙂 It’s a constant unfolding, and the more I embrace this, the more my brain patterns will shift…the key is patience, consistency and commitment. In this same vein I’m choosing to commit to more consistent journaling and I’m gonna try and rewire my art habits…get used to expressing myself and my emotions…using it as an outlet. It actually makes me nauseous just thinking about how tough that’s gonna be but that’s why I gotta do it. Sigh 😦 It’s what I’ve been avoiding for years…but that means it’ll be worth it. There are probably a lot of answers waiting for me in my art.

Constant discovery right?

This Is About Trust

So far, being off meds for me is about trust. You have to recognize that you’re in a depressive low, accept that this is just part of you, and learn how to be ok with it. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to take over, like “I’m never gonna finish that thing I’m working on!” Because even though it seems so simple…that’s referencing the FUTURE. And the future is ALWAYS unknown. We think by worrying, we’re predicting some terrible outcome to prevent that outcome actually happening. Isn’t that psychotic?

Rather than do that, we gotta just live in the present. And listening to your intuition is SO important because THAT’S what you have to trust. First of all, if you know that worrying so much about a thing will help you get it done, then you WILL get it done. So why not just take out the worrying and live in the present, enjoying life instead?! Just TRUST that everything will be ok. Because it will be. It’s ridiculous.

I feel like I’ve somehow known all of this for a while but am also just learning it now.

Today I was relaxing in the park looking around at people also relaxing at the park…just literally sitting there and doing nothing…and I’m like “why did I always think every single person around me was doing such amazing things everyday?” My jealousy and FOMO used to be the WORST! It really is only now because of the quarantine that I’m realizing that I actually CAN be satisfied with my life.

I was telling Eddy that being home so much reminds me of being a kid before I knew how to drive. I used to be frustrated at how distracted I was by the world and people around me saying “I wish I could go to back to before I had any friends!” Simply meaning…to a simpler time when I felt less obligations to the people around me. THIS IS IT. And it really isn’t bad. I’m learning so much about myself and realizing…all of this is an EXPERIENCE!! So why not savor that experience? That’s what I’m trying to do now, and my old self is slightly resisting but not by much…

I feel like I’m about to evolve. Hopefully.

Sometimes I Think There’s No Hope For Me… But I Have To Try Anyway

Here’s a picture of the hole Eddy punched in the door today. The dryer in our apartment complex is broken again and when he told me I was dismissive about it and he said “Easy to say for someone who never does the laundry.” I want this to serve as a reminder to me that this is the day I told myself I would make a lasting change.

IMG_9067

It’s true. I never do the laundry. I never do much of anything for that matter, because I’m an entitled piece of shit who was stunted in growth because my mom always did everything for me and told me everything I did was wrong. Now I’m trapped in this fucking body with a fucking mind that I fucking hate and I sometimes think I’m making progress but then as soon as I have to do something like COOK or CLEAN I get so bogged down by the FUCKING MAINTENANCE IT TAKES TO KEEP THIS LIFE GOING. And THAT’S from my mom too cuz she was always SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING.

HOW DO I STOP BEING OVERWHELMED BY THINGS?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING GOOD, BUT I’M ONLY DOING “GOOD” WHEN IM DOING MY “OWN THING.”

Everything always “gets in my way.” Work, naturally, but how much longer am I going to complain about simply HAVING TO WORK? I logically know my job is pretty awesome yet I STILL JUST HATE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. And POOR EDDY ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HE’S IN MY WAY!!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THERE FOR HIM, TO SUPPORT HIM, YET I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO “GET SOMEWHERE” WITH MYSELF FIRST.

But WHERE?! This “place” is NEVER GONNA COME. And I ALREADY KNOW THAT. Did my mom pass on NARCISSISM to me too!? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELF CENTERED!?!?

I thought I did a good thing by taking this punch in the door seriously. I ended my teacher training early and took the wet clothes to the laundromat and did 2 other loads also. I felt great at the time. Very meditative. Then I went grocery shopping and decided to cook a healthy dinner, but as soon as it got even a bit hard, as soon as the dishes started to pile up, I fucking LOSE IT. And all this TALK starts happening “I FUCKING HATE COOKING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I SUCK AT IT ANYWAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE” and then SUDDENLY I’M TAKING IT OUT ON EDDY.

HONESTLY HOW DOES ANYONE DO IT?! Like HAVE A FUCKING LIFE where you DO things you wanna do AND WORK to make a living AND cook AND keep your environment clean AND have a relationship with your husband. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!? My god.

I KNOW I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE. I’m honestly surprised it took Eddy 6 years to punch a hole somewhere in our apartment. Sat Kriya yesterday really did a number on me… I really FELT at a DEEP LEVEL that I have to become a different person. Not different… new and improved I guess. Because all these patterns I’ve got… NOT working for me. I’ve lived this way for TOO FUCKING LONG and even the way I’m talking to myself in this post is FUCKING DISGUSTING. RIGHT AFTER TEACHER TRAINING TOO YOU ASSHOLE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I DID try to shift my inner talk to “kindness” while I was cooking… it worked a little bit. I even turned my reiki on to try and infuse the food with love. BUT I COULDN’T HELP SHIFTING TO HATE. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST WANT A NEW BRAIN. WHY WOULD I RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN BOTHER TO  MAINTAIN THIS LIFE?!

I told that to Eddy and he said “That just shows you have such little gratitude…” It may SEEM like that to him but honestly… I’M GRATEFUL FOR SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY EDDY. BUT WHY CAN’T I SHOW IT!? WHY DO I JUST HAVE TO SLAM THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELL AND SCREAM AND THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM WHEN I’M 31 YEARS OLD!? I think I KNOW why… but it’s just FUCKED UP that I still have SO MUCH OBVIOUS RESISTANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A LASTING CHANGE. WHY!? SO I CAN KEEP BEING MISERABLE?! It’s not like killing myself would do EDDY any favors either, that would fuck him up for the rest of his life! SO I’M KINDA STUCK HERE UGH.

I AM FUCKING SICK. OF. IT. I’M DONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Eddy likes to communicate with me through music. He plays THIS ONE a lot. Thought it was appropriate.

Note to self… I got pretty angry today… and I’m recently back on meds. The other time in recent history that I’ve gotten this angry I was also on meds… could this rage possibly be a side effect of the latuda? Or is it a side effect to the 62 min Sat Kriya? Ugh Jen just texted me actually and it made me cry… because I truly TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE IN MY LIFE. WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING IT UP!?

Screen Shot 2020-05-17 at 9.40.34 PM

62 Minute Sat Kriya Meditation Experience…Turning Into A Tree

Last night during Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training we had to do a 62 minute version of the Sat Kriya meditation, which you can find HERE if interested. It happened to be one of the most powerful experiences of my life, even up there with taking Ayahuasca, kambo and mushrooms.

First of all, to stay in this position for 62 minutes is asking your body to do something it REALLY doesn’t wanna do. And when you’re in this highly meditative state, you start to become aware of EVERYTHING. At least I did.

I kept thinking of something my friend Carey said in a recent women’s group, that when she birthed her daughter it was an amazing experience because she became a true observer, and she said she was able to just witness the PROCESS and stay separate from it, watching as her body wrung out this baby. As someone who really wants to experience childbirth someday, I knew that I’d have to get through this experience and practice getting into this “observer” mode.

When we began, my nose and eye were already itchy, but I remembered what I read about Vipassana silent retreats and how when you’re sitting in meditation for such a long time, you start to notice that sensations come and go. So I decided to watch these sensations come and go and started getting really curious and interested to see what sensation would come next. I noticed how my fingers would ever so slightly take turns leaning on each other to alleviate tension in my shoulders. I noticed how shifting slightly in my legs would create a variety of sharp sensations that would shoot through my feet and ankles and result in numbness. At first it was really quite beautiful to experience the cycle of bodily sensations and truly feel the temporary nature of all our discomfort.

At one point I burst out laughing because I couldn’t believe how fucked up I must be to try something so painful, and then I remembered I went to the jungle to have a spiritual death and thought it’s been so funny what I’ve put myself through to heal.

I was hoping after that I was through the worst of it and I would break through into some blissful state, but then our teachers said it was only halfway done and I thought “ARE YOU KIDDING?!” The rest of the way was one of the most physically painful experiences of my life!

The sensations were no longer “interesting” they were just HORRIBLY PAINFUL and I couldn’t focus on the chanting as well as before. And then I had this realization that these waves of pain are the waves of life, and yes we do experience joy, but we also experience this PAIN… over and over again. And parts of us are constantly dying, over and over again. Within this pain in my body, I felt the ebb and flow of these life/death/life cycles that I had previously only felt mentally through ayahuasca and shrooms. Every time I feel these cycles it’s so overwhelming to me, but this was a different kind of overwhelm.

It’s like I was meeting my own emotions head on, and normally I lash out like scream at the top of my lungs or go be mean to Eddy or have a crying tantrum, but this was the first time I experienced not really having anywhere for my emotions to go, because I had to stay in this pose and had to keep chanting. I would also be fine for long stretches of time, then suddenly feel a sharp stab of pain and IMMEDIATELY start howling because that was the only way to get my mind off it, since I really no longer wanted to experience the physical sensations. My own VOICE was the only thing that could distract me. Jen would say things like “EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN TRUE POWER. NO ONE CAN TAKE THIS FROM YOU” and I feel like I DID. The fact that my screaming could distract me from that pain made me see this EXPLOSIVE side of me is actually SO POWERFUL, I just need to learn how to tame it — like fire.

I started to wonder if all this screaming and crying I was doing was all built up from my past when I used to never cry, never scream, and repressed it all. It was like all those uncomfortable moments in my life were represented by these shooting pains I would get, and I saw that THIS IS JUST LIFE. EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS. EVERYONE IS CONSTANTLY GOING THROUGH THESE SENSATIONS OF PAIN. And then I started grieving because I realized I have to ACCEPT this. The DARK part of duality. Because this is just… nature.

I remember also being ANGRY thinking “I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS” even though I had TOTALLY signed up for Kundalini training, I didn’t sign up for life. We all have to go through this experience of being human… but we didn’t ASK for it. I’m sure in my yoga training they would argue that our souls all CHOSE to be here on this earth at this specific time in history to learn very specific lessons. On good days sure, I believe that, but because pain and suffering are SUCH a constant in our lives… honestly it’s pretty fucked up that we have to just keep going through this.

Maybe this just means I still have a lot to release before I can achieve a true state of peace, but peace is pretty damn hard when you’re living such a dualistic, paradoxical existence.

At the very end when Jen said “YOU ONLY HAVE A COUPLE SECONDS LEFT, THESE ARE THE ONES THAT COUNT THE MOST” I actually did manage to enter a strange state of peace, where all this bright light came in and I had a flash of what I saw when I did ayahuasca, this triangle symbol… what I feel represents my soul. And then I collapsed.

My body felt broken, like my arms and legs just no longer worked. Plus I immediately started crying so hard it was like my dad had died all over again. It took so much energy to just get to laying on my back.

But I made it, while in that position I literally felt completely spent. I couldn’t move ANYTHING, all I could do was heave heavy sobs. But then a familiar vision came to me that I had had years ago when I did energy work with Jackie.

I had washed up, unconscious, on a black volcanic shore, and a little being of light that I’m now sure is something representative of my inner child, comes up with a pitcher and starts pouring liquid light into my mouth. It spills out the sides of my mouth as rainbow light and the rainbow liquid starts to collect around my body and seep into the volcanic rock, and as it does, life begins to grow — grass, flowers, plants — everything becomes green.

That’s where the vision previously ended, but this time as I lay in Savasana on the ground after this kriya, I started to feel as though my arms and legs had become roots and they were rooted into the ground. Then in my vision, I saw that this tree began to grow from my abdomen, and my body was the root system. It grew until it had a fairly decent canopy, but I could tell it was still a young tree. However, it was able to grant shade.

And suddenly my whole life was flashing before my eyes, starting with my pregnant mom appearing under the tree that was me, using it as shade. I’m not going to type out everything that came up because it’s WAY TOO MUCH, but from there it accelerated through my childhood coping with the struggles my parents had, then into me waiting in the hospital during my mom’s miscarriage and feeling her pain so deeply that I never even thought about. Then my thoughts shifted to my mom and how there were so many points in my life that I hated her, and even now it’s rough sometimes to go back and do this healing work and see the depths by which her words and demeanor affected me, “stunted” me. And although I feel like I’ve forgiven her and seen her as her own person, it wasn’t until last night that I feel like I began to really open my heart to her and feel for all of her sacrifices, her loss and pain. Lol I even texted her about it but I’m absolutely certain she doesn’t know how to respond…

And THEN after I went through this with my mom, I continued to go through my life, my teenage years and my relationship with Michael, and Vince, but then when I got to Eddy it’s like the heart opening happened AGAIN with him, and I started to cry for all the pain HE had gone through in his past that he always tried to tell me about and I thought I was listening, but I suppose I wasn’t EMPATHIZING. It felt as though something was cracking open in me, and it’s the part of me that has always avoided truly opening myself to experiencing the horror and pain of others at a deeper level, rather than just sympathizing with them from the outside.

It was a POWERFUL experience.

Trees have been coming up a lot lately, and I love this quote by Ram Dass which Jen brought to one of her morning meditations recently.

ram-dass-appreciate-trees-be-here-now-709x699

I was witnessing my OWN tree. The moments that came up for me when my life flashed before my eyes were the moments when my tree BENT, or took a different direction. And this tree represented my WISDOM. This tree is the wise woman within me… growing this entire time but never able to provide shade until NOW. This tree was the perfect symbol of the observer within me, and it also enabled me to feel on a deep level the WISDOM of ALL TREES. They stand there, weathering countless storms, witnessing a variety of lifetimes, that life/death/life cycle ALL AROUND THEM CONSTANTLY, and THEY’RE not allowed to have tantrums, THEY’RE not allowed to cry… but the WHOLE PLANET is dying and they just stand there and OBSERVE it ALL…

When I finally was able to get up to write all this down in my journal, I had realized that there were so many times I WANTED to get up, but my body straight up would say “no, stay there, you’re not ready” and would tense up instead of rise… and I had to repeatedly breathe into it and relax, and as I did I would go back into my visions. It was all such a trippy experience, but I felt like I did so much intuition building work and have shifted so profoundly because of it.

Afterward Eddy was playing all these beautiful old songs in this playlist that he made for me, titled “Elora.” Every song he would play just spoke to my soul on such a deep level that all I could do was cry. I was completely drained. Absolutely spent. But in the best way possible.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4HHEknDfulSD4CezbshFf3?si=azK-DHwaSX-pXeXzGdfoTw

Eddy and I of course had a wonderful discussion after, and he always brings things back to this world, this reality, this system that we’re living in. I could see how self centered I’ve been because of the programming of this society, this culture, and the reason I seek out such extreme experiences is because there’s such a strong part of me that KNOWS I need to be reprogrammed. That knows I need to learn to PROGRAM MYSELF.

This quarantine is exposing so much of our broken capitalist system and the brainwashing of this consumerist society, and I see now that every time I do something like this, I’m slowly breaking down the effects of this culture and coming back to myself in the way that I can open my heart and be there for other people, like my mom, like Eddy. It’s disgusting to me the gluttony and selfishness that has pervaded most of my life, simply because my mom wanted me to have what she didn’t have in the Philippines, but the excess becomes TOXIC.

It’s so nice to feel like my heart is finally starting to open and I’m hoping this means I’m beginning to move out of my lower chakras. I am beyond grateful for tools like yoga and meditation that don’t require me to go on some trip or take some substance to meet my truest self… and now awesome it is that the closer I get to myself, the closer I also get to other people. Yes life is pain, but it’s also beautiful as fuck.

I wrote this hours ago and am just posting it now, but now I need to post something else. What was even the point of this? God.

Here are some crappy drawings that I didn’t get a chance to finish but I’m gonna put them here anyway because I don’t think I’ll ever go back and finish them later so might as well. Gets the point across.

Sat Kriya01Sat Kriya02-00Sat Kriya02Sat Kriya03

Confessions From Quarantine 04

BB_CFQ004

We all put up a facade to the external world to hide the parts of us we don’t want anyone to see. If someone asks us how we’re doing, even if we’re having the shittiest day we’re not expected to actually talk about it. For people who feel so intensely and deeply like myself, it’s tough to show up for work everyday and even in a great environment, still be so affected by those around me. Having to work from home for an extended period of time has taught me just how much energy I naturally expend around other people to project this “bubbly” persona. Some days yes it would be genuine if I was feeling it, but most days I’d be depressed and anxious, worrying what other people will think of me if I CAN’T be in a good mood. And this feeling would take over my entire day, making work absolutely MISERABLE. Those FEELINGS were all I could focus on. For me, there’s a certain shame in not being “on” for people, even though my logical mind tells me that it really doesn’t matter, no one cares, and everyone has their own shit to deal with. It’s a huge part of why I quit social media. It’s unhealthy to feel like you need to “portray yourself” a certain way to the world. I knew that pattern I had developed needed to be changed, to be healed, but there was never any time to really do it.

Having to stay at home has finally made me sink into who I really am, accepting that there are different sides of me that need to be honored and expressed. It’s taken a lot out of me to hide these parts of myself for so many years, expecting that someday I WOULD just be able to just be happy and bubbly for people ALL THE TIME and come back into the world. Absolutely ridiculous. It just got worse! Having the opportunity to slow down has allowed me to shift that perception of feeling that I need to “be something” for other people. After living so much of my life moving WAY TOO FAST to really take in and enjoy ANYTHING, I see now that slowing down IS actually an option, and it’s so necessary for someone like me. In order for me to stop feeling so much shame, I’ve decided I HAVE to talk about who I really am in order to move past this wall that’s gotten so high over the years. Hiding our true selves takes a HUGE toll on us that just piles up over time until we’re crushed under the pressure. It’s so important to just…learn how to be you.

Phew! Been meaning to say this for quite some time! It’s funny how liberating even drawing that image of me was….

I set out to do this comic for “art therapy” reasons, but I guess I really didn’t expect to feel what I’m feeling working on it. For me this whole thing is a legit life reflection session…it’s like sifting through broken glass to find pieces of gold.

When I did this page I was the vibrating, pulsing kind of manic and I feel like as much as I tried to control it, to me it shows through even in how I wrote it. I love that I’m learning how to channel my emotions into this… it’ll be so valuable to look back on when I’m in those dark times 🙂

And such a great release to finally let go of all this!!!