Constant Discovery, My New Treatment

On Monday I had a long talk with Jen because I was a crying mess in the 40 Days To Optimal Health group and Red Tent last Friday, plus I missed my appointment with her in the morning because I was so out of it. I’ve been having difficulty planning and teaching my yoga classes while in a depressive low…something I was worried about but didn’t think I’d have to deal with until now because I’m actually in it.

I also had a long talk with her after my ER incident and we talked about meds, and the potentiality of me getting off my meds, but she said she hadn’t actually expected me to. After I was prescribed Lamictal though, I was pretty worried about getting that fatal rash it’s known for because I had already experienced some rare side effect and was afraid that…maybe I’m just unlucky. I don’t want that rash. I also found out that one of my bipolar friends was hospitalized on Lamictal for it making her too manic, and I don’t want that either. Honestly I’m starting to feel in my gut that part of my purpose is to learn how to fight this thing WITHOUT medication. So this was a serious talk on Monday about what she thinks I should do to stabilize myself without it. Thankfully she’s helped a lot of people get off their meds, so she knows what she’s talking about.

She said she wants me in CONSTANT DISCOVERY, and I think it just really hit me what that means. We only grow up once, which is why whatever comes our way we’re doing the best with what we got, cuz no one really knows what they’re doing. It’s all about building experience, and we build experience by going through things, making memories, and storing those memories within our hearts. Whenever we react to something, it’s like an opportunity to really DISCOVER what our past self is trying to tell us about the patterns we have built. Every time we react to something…it’s a chance to get to see ourselves, MEET ourselves, and the person we are becoming. This is what “constant discovery” now means to me, and I’m truly excited to go on this journey. Because it really takes the pressure off.

I see now that before my diagnosis, I was always expecting myself to do something. Be something. Build certain skills. Get certain jobs. Get a certain amount of followers. But these unrealistic expectations kept building and building the pressure until I was crippled and incapacitated beneath it all. I was trying to do too much while trying to “figure out what was wrong with me.” When I was diagnosed, I feel like puzzle pieces started clicking into place, but that was 2 years ago and I feel like I’m still discovering what that diagnosis even means. And I see now that what it really is is an opportunity…this opportunity for discovery, now knowing that I share symptoms with this bipolar population. It’s given me a chance to heal, now knowing roughly what to expect. This hit me today too…this kinda letting go of the pressure I was feeling before…knowing I’m committing to this constant discovery of myself.

As I was walking Han this morning I got choked up walking past Amy’s old apartment and remembering her coming out of her parking lot to pick me up. And I thought about Bre’s text to me yesterday saying she felt “haunted” and she proceeded to tell me her memories of when we saw this amazing meteor shower a couple years ago. When I was hit with these memories this morning I realized that this is how it is…we collect memories and they come up and affect us when we least expect it. Not even bad memories…but good ones. They remind us of what we perceive as “better times” even though we’re always struggling…there’s a melancholy to them…this simultaneous joy that it happened, but sadness that it’s over, and that’s just the existence we face. It made me even sadder this morning thinking of that…missing the past…and realizing that everyone feels this way. But that’s when this constant discovery really hit home for me…this “only growing up once.” When I was really manic in my early 20s life was a blur…my whole 5 year college relationship I can barely even remember. It’s now that I’m really choosing to commit to this form of self treatment, self discovery, that I’m allowing to slow down to see how these memories actually affected me. Changed me. And created patterns within me that affect how I live today.

Jen also mentioned pattern disruption, which is basically just rewiring your brain. Choosing to do something different when you can catch that you’re doing the same thing you normally do. So she told me when I start to isolate myself that I really need to reach out to my community…say that I’m starting to enter a low or high and get support for it. Enter a conversation about what it actually means, where it’s actually coming from…like detective work to really get to know myself, rather than falling completely in the hole and starting to wallow.

This is gonna be really difficult, cuz it’s going against my natural instincts. But if it means really getting to know myself and I can frame it in that way…it actually sounds pretty cool and interesting. It’s like getting to know a new friend 🙂 It’s a constant unfolding, and the more I embrace this, the more my brain patterns will shift…the key is patience, consistency and commitment. In this same vein I’m choosing to commit to more consistent journaling and I’m gonna try and rewire my art habits…get used to expressing myself and my emotions…using it as an outlet. It actually makes me nauseous just thinking about how tough that’s gonna be but that’s why I gotta do it. Sigh 😦 It’s what I’ve been avoiding for years…but that means it’ll be worth it. There are probably a lot of answers waiting for me in my art.

Constant discovery right?

This Is About Trust

So far, being off meds for me is about trust. You have to recognize that you’re in a depressive low, accept that this is just part of you, and learn how to be ok with it. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to take over, like “I’m never gonna finish that thing I’m working on!” Because even though it seems so simple…that’s referencing the FUTURE. And the future is ALWAYS unknown. We think by worrying, we’re predicting some terrible outcome to prevent that outcome actually happening. Isn’t that psychotic?

Rather than do that, we gotta just live in the present. And listening to your intuition is SO important because THAT’S what you have to trust. First of all, if you know that worrying so much about a thing will help you get it done, then you WILL get it done. So why not just take out the worrying and live in the present, enjoying life instead?! Just TRUST that everything will be ok. Because it will be. It’s ridiculous.

I feel like I’ve somehow known all of this for a while but am also just learning it now.

Today I was relaxing in the park looking around at people also relaxing at the park…just literally sitting there and doing nothing…and I’m like “why did I always think every single person around me was doing such amazing things everyday?” My jealousy and FOMO used to be the WORST! It really is only now because of the quarantine that I’m realizing that I actually CAN be satisfied with my life.

I was telling Eddy that being home so much reminds me of being a kid before I knew how to drive. I used to be frustrated at how distracted I was by the world and people around me saying “I wish I could go to back to before I had any friends!” Simply meaning…to a simpler time when I felt less obligations to the people around me. THIS IS IT. And it really isn’t bad. I’m learning so much about myself and realizing…all of this is an EXPERIENCE!! So why not savor that experience? That’s what I’m trying to do now, and my old self is slightly resisting but not by much…

I feel like I’m about to evolve. Hopefully.

Memories of Peru

Walking barefoot in the jungles of the Amazon, I was on an entirely different frequency. The rain on my skin, the thick humid air, the mud between my toes. I can still feel it if I really come into my heart space.

I can feel it all.

Everything I have ever loved, all at once.

Today I started to realize the depths of my death from doing Ayahuasca… and that I never stopped to grieve.

Sometimes I Think There’s No Hope For Me… But I Have To Try Anyway

Here’s a picture of the hole Eddy punched in the door today. The dryer in our apartment complex is broken again and when he told me I was dismissive about it and he said “Easy to say for someone who never does the laundry.” I want this to serve as a reminder to me that this is the day I told myself I would make a lasting change.

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It’s true. I never do the laundry. I never do much of anything for that matter, because I’m an entitled piece of shit who was stunted in growth because my mom always did everything for me and told me everything I did was wrong. Now I’m trapped in this fucking body with a fucking mind that I fucking hate and I sometimes think I’m making progress but then as soon as I have to do something like COOK or CLEAN I get so bogged down by the FUCKING MAINTENANCE IT TAKES TO KEEP THIS LIFE GOING. And THAT’S from my mom too cuz she was always SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING.

HOW DO I STOP BEING OVERWHELMED BY THINGS?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING GOOD, BUT I’M ONLY DOING “GOOD” WHEN IM DOING MY “OWN THING.”

Everything always “gets in my way.” Work, naturally, but how much longer am I going to complain about simply HAVING TO WORK? I logically know my job is pretty awesome yet I STILL JUST HATE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. And POOR EDDY ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HE’S IN MY WAY!!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THERE FOR HIM, TO SUPPORT HIM, YET I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO “GET SOMEWHERE” WITH MYSELF FIRST.

But WHERE?! This “place” is NEVER GONNA COME. And I ALREADY KNOW THAT. Did my mom pass on NARCISSISM to me too!? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELF CENTERED!?!?

I thought I did a good thing by taking this punch in the door seriously. I ended my teacher training early and took the wet clothes to the laundromat and did 2 other loads also. I felt great at the time. Very meditative. Then I went grocery shopping and decided to cook a healthy dinner, but as soon as it got even a bit hard, as soon as the dishes started to pile up, I fucking LOSE IT. And all this TALK starts happening “I FUCKING HATE COOKING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I SUCK AT IT ANYWAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE” and then SUDDENLY I’M TAKING IT OUT ON EDDY.

HONESTLY HOW DOES ANYONE DO IT?! Like HAVE A FUCKING LIFE where you DO things you wanna do AND WORK to make a living AND cook AND keep your environment clean AND have a relationship with your husband. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!? My god.

I KNOW I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE. I’m honestly surprised it took Eddy 6 years to punch a hole somewhere in our apartment. Sat Kriya yesterday really did a number on me… I really FELT at a DEEP LEVEL that I have to become a different person. Not different… new and improved I guess. Because all these patterns I’ve got… NOT working for me. I’ve lived this way for TOO FUCKING LONG and even the way I’m talking to myself in this post is FUCKING DISGUSTING. RIGHT AFTER TEACHER TRAINING TOO YOU ASSHOLE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I DID try to shift my inner talk to “kindness” while I was cooking… it worked a little bit. I even turned my reiki on to try and infuse the food with love. BUT I COULDN’T HELP SHIFTING TO HATE. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST WANT A NEW BRAIN. WHY WOULD I RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN BOTHER TO  MAINTAIN THIS LIFE?!

I told that to Eddy and he said “That just shows you have such little gratitude…” It may SEEM like that to him but honestly… I’M GRATEFUL FOR SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY EDDY. BUT WHY CAN’T I SHOW IT!? WHY DO I JUST HAVE TO SLAM THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELL AND SCREAM AND THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM WHEN I’M 31 YEARS OLD!? I think I KNOW why… but it’s just FUCKED UP that I still have SO MUCH OBVIOUS RESISTANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A LASTING CHANGE. WHY!? SO I CAN KEEP BEING MISERABLE?! It’s not like killing myself would do EDDY any favors either, that would fuck him up for the rest of his life! SO I’M KINDA STUCK HERE UGH.

I AM FUCKING SICK. OF. IT. I’M DONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Eddy likes to communicate with me through music. He plays THIS ONE a lot. Thought it was appropriate.

Note to self… I got pretty angry today… and I’m recently back on meds. The other time in recent history that I’ve gotten this angry I was also on meds… could this rage possibly be a side effect of the latuda? Or is it a side effect to the 62 min Sat Kriya? Ugh Jen just texted me actually and it made me cry… because I truly TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE IN MY LIFE. WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING IT UP!?

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Confessions From Quarantine 02

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I just have to say… I’m really grateful for being on the path that I’m on during this crazy time. I feel like I’ve made such immense progress as a person over these past 10 years and it blows me away how I am where I am right now. I would NOT be able to handle it as well otherwise…

Seriously… going to meet Mother Ayahuasca broke me open in ways I’m just beginning to feel and understand. Moving forward as a species, we have to all be able to connect with nature in a similar way as taking ayahuasca… She has a way of making you feel it.. feel it ALL…that warmth of connected oneness with the universe. And we’ve done so much to damage her so now we’re paying the price…

I watched this pandemic series on netflix and in one of the episodes a student asks this virologist “Why do you think humans haven’t evolved to take care of this virus yet?” and he replies something like “That’s the question isn’t it…” But to me it really does seem something like… this is just part of the cycle. As humans we have to collectively learn how to handle the pain of the consequences of history if we’re meant to move forward once this quarantine is complete.

And what kinda person will you be then?