Confessions From Quarantine 06

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It’s funny how our minds seem to naturally focus on the “bad” rather than the “good”, but I suppose it’s our “fight or flight” nature to survive. In order to cope with our overwhelming world, anxiety and depression have become the norm. We tend to put up a lot of mental protection to supposedly keep us safe, which results in a lot of subconscious “lashing out” behavior or obsessing over very specific things to give us some form of strange comfort. I’ve come to find that my biggest coping mechanism is my faulty memory which has helped me repress a lot of trauma in my past, but it also wipes out most good memories as well. I’m grateful to have Eddy who basically has a photographic memory, so he not only can remember movie quotes, but good times we’ve had that I quickly forget when things get bad.

Many of us are so lucky and privileged, yet we choose to a scarcity mindset rather than one of abundance — focusing on what is lacking in our lives and the world around us, rather than what we have and should be grateful for. This allows us to continue unhealthy patterns that result in repeatedly hurting ourselves, and possibly even others around us. The key is awareness and gratitude, but if we don’t have anyone to point out our behavior and we don’t know how to do it for ourselves, how are we supposed to get out of these toxic mental cycles? As a collective, we really have to start looking WITHIN for these answers. Only then can we really start to heal and find our own ways to raise our awareness, preventing us from falling in the same trap over and over again. That’s what I’m attempting to do πŸ™‚

50 First Dates is one of my favorite movies ever… I just love Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler romcoms so much, their chemistry is perfect! ;_; But this one in particular really gets me because of the memory issues. In the movie Drew Barrymore’s character Lucy has “anterograde amnesia,” a disorder where you stop creating new memories after a traumatic event. Trauma can create PTSD which affects our mind in all sorts of ways, and trauma is inevitable in our lives as human beings. Some of us are able to handle it better than others, but a lot of us are dealing with it subconsciously every single day in our thought patterns, bad habits and mental hangups. 50 First Dates addresses trauma in such a lighthearted and charming way, I highly recommend it, especially if you like romcoms!

This is my favorite moment in the movie and always makes me cry ;__; Especially because sometimes I feel so messed up that it’d be better for me to just not be in anyone’s life, including Eddy’s, for THEIR sake. This is part of the reason I tend to disappear or keep my distance. But this shows how love is stronger than that, reminding me that maybe those thoughts are just a bad pattern from the trauma I’ve experienced. Thankfully Eddy is so good at pulling me out of the darkness when I trick myself into thinking I’m a complete worthless waste of space on this earth.

This shows Lucy at the end of the movie watching her own external HD in the form of a VHS tape that Henry makes for her. I’m glad that I managed to figure out what to do for MY external HD! Can’t wait to make this comic into a book πŸ™‚

Confessions From Quarantine 05

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This project has been so organic for me that I’m constantly making realizations about what to do with it WHILE I’m doing it. I wonder if that’s how it is to do personal work and I just haven’t done it for so many years that I forgot? Haha anyway, so much of this time away from social media has been spent consuming other media, which has given me insight and solace into how I am as a person. As much as I wanted to quit doing art so many times, taking IN art reminded me why it’s so important… it makes you realize that all these stories come from a real place. Because they exist means that someone somewhere has felt similar things and they thought it important enough to include it in a show, movie, book, whatever. As I think of the ones that have really stood out and helped me make sense of my situation, I wanna put them in here for my future self to remember that I’m not alone, that I HAVE learned these lessons before.

As a kid I’d watch so much TV, which influenced my love for TV and movies as an adult. But strangely enough it wasn’t until I lost my dad that I started to look for the MEANING behind things. Prior to that I was always using it as a distraction, or a way to drown out my own emotions. Even though I worked in animation, I realized I hadn’t been fully appreciating the art form until this tragedy hit in my life that forced me to look for answers in the world around me, and slowly they started appearing everywhere. Story and metaphor are such amazing tools to aid in our own development if try to see what they’re actually trying to tell us. The shitty thing though is that I have a really bad memory and tend to learn more from FEELING rather than THINKING, so documenting these things really helps retain what I’ve learned.

Tiny Rickkk!!

The Avatar clip about fire ended up getting taken off Youtube, but here’s a great music video that talks about both the positives and negatives about fire which… is really relatable for bipolar in my opinion :\

Sometimes I Think There’s No Hope For Me… But I Have To Try Anyway

Here’s a picture of the hole Eddy punched in the door today. The dryer in our apartment complex is broken again and when he told me I was dismissive about it and he said “Easy to say for someone who never does the laundry.” I want this to serve as a reminder to me that this is the day I told myself I would make a lasting change.

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It’s true. I never do the laundry. I never do much of anything for that matter, because I’m an entitled piece of shit who was stunted in growth because my mom always did everything for me and told me everything I did was wrong. Now I’m trapped in this fucking body with a fucking mind that I fucking hate and I sometimes think I’m making progress but then as soon as I have to do something like COOK or CLEAN I get so bogged down by the FUCKING MAINTENANCE IT TAKES TO KEEP THIS LIFE GOING. And THAT’S from my mom too cuz she was always SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED BY EVERYTHING.

HOW DO I STOP BEING OVERWHELMED BY THINGS?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING GOOD, BUT I’M ONLY DOING “GOOD” WHEN IM DOING MY “OWN THING.”

Everything always “gets in my way.” Work, naturally, but how much longer am I going to complain about simply HAVING TO WORK? I logically know my job is pretty awesome yet I STILL JUST HATE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT. And POOR EDDY ALWAYS FEELS LIKE HE’S IN MY WAY!!! AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL THAT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE THERE FOR HIM, TO SUPPORT HIM, YET I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO “GET SOMEWHERE” WITH MYSELF FIRST.

But WHERE?! This “place” is NEVER GONNA COME. And I ALREADY KNOW THAT. Did my mom pass on NARCISSISM to me too!? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SELF CENTERED!?!?

I thought I did a good thing by taking this punch in the door seriously. I ended my teacher training early and took the wet clothes to the laundromat and did 2 other loads also. I felt great at the time. Very meditative. Then I went grocery shopping and decided to cook a healthy dinner, but as soon as it got even a bit hard, as soon as the dishes started to pile up, I fucking LOSE IT. And all this TALK starts happening “I FUCKING HATE COOKING WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS I SUCK AT IT ANYWAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES?! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE” and then SUDDENLY I’M TAKING IT OUT ON EDDY.

HONESTLY HOW DOES ANYONE DO IT?! Like HAVE A FUCKING LIFE where you DO things you wanna do AND WORK to make a living AND cook AND keep your environment clean AND have a relationship with your husband. AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE KIDS!? My god.

I KNOW I NEED TO FUCKING CHANGE. I’m honestly surprised it took Eddy 6 years to punch a hole somewhere in our apartment. Sat Kriya yesterday really did a number on me… I really FELT at a DEEP LEVEL that I have to become a different person. Not different… new and improved I guess. Because all these patterns I’ve got… NOT working for me. I’ve lived this way for TOO FUCKING LONG and even the way I’m talking to myself in this post is FUCKING DISGUSTING. RIGHT AFTER TEACHER TRAINING TOO YOU ASSHOLE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

I DID try to shift my inner talk to “kindness” while I was cooking… it worked a little bit. I even turned my reiki on to try and infuse the food with love. BUT I COULDN’T HELP SHIFTING TO HATE. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME.

I JUST WANT A NEW BRAIN. WHY WOULD I RATHER KILL MYSELF THAN BOTHER TOΒ  MAINTAIN THIS LIFE?!

I told that to Eddy and he said “That just shows you have such little gratitude…” It may SEEM like that to him but honestly… I’M GRATEFUL FOR SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY EDDY. BUT WHY CAN’T I SHOW IT!? WHY DO I JUST HAVE TO SLAM THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELL AND SCREAM AND THROW A FUCKING TANTRUM WHEN I’M 31 YEARS OLD!? I think I KNOW why… but it’s just FUCKED UP that I still have SO MUCH OBVIOUS RESISTANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A LASTING CHANGE. WHY!? SO I CAN KEEP BEING MISERABLE?! It’s not like killing myself would do EDDY any favors either, that would fuck him up for the rest of his life! SO I’M KINDA STUCK HERE UGH.

I AM FUCKING SICK. OF. IT. I’M DONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Eddy likes to communicate with me through music. He plays THIS ONE a lot. Thought it was appropriate.

Note to self… I got pretty angry today… and I’m recently back on meds. The other time in recent history that I’ve gotten this angry I was also on meds… could this rage possibly be a side effect of the latuda? Or is it a side effect to the 62 min Sat Kriya? Ugh Jen just texted me actually and it made me cry… because I truly TRULY AM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE IN MY LIFE. WHY DO I KEEP FUCKING IT UP!?

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Confessions From Quarantine 04

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We all put up a facade to the external world to hide the parts of us we don’t want anyone to see. If someone asks us how we’re doing, even if we’re having the shittiest day we’re not expected to actually talk about it. For people who feel so intensely and deeply like myself, it’s tough to show up for work everyday and even in a great environment, still be so affected by those around me. Having to work from home for an extended period of time has taught me just how much energy I naturally expend around other people to project this “bubbly” persona. Some days yes it would be genuine if I was feeling it, but most days I’d be depressed and anxious, worrying what other people will think of me if I CAN’T be in a good mood. And this feeling would take over my entire day, making work absolutely MISERABLE. Those FEELINGS were all I could focus on. For me, there’s a certain shame in not being “on” for people, even though my logical mind tells me that it really doesn’t matter, no one cares, and everyone has their own shit to deal with. It’s a huge part of why I quit social media. It’s unhealthy to feel like you need to “portray yourself” a certain way to the world. I knew that pattern I had developed needed to be changed, to be healed, but there was never any time to really do it.

Having to stay at home has finally made me sink into who I really am, accepting that there are different sides of me that need to be honored and expressed. It’s taken a lot out of me to hide these parts of myself for so many years, expecting that someday I WOULD just be able to just be happy and bubbly for people ALL THE TIME and come back into the world. Absolutely ridiculous. It just got worse! Having the opportunity to slow down has allowed me to shift that perception of feeling that I need to “be something” for other people. After living so much of my life moving WAY TOO FAST to really take in and enjoy ANYTHING, I see now that slowing down IS actually an option, and it’s so necessary for someone like me. In order for me to stop feeling so much shame, I’ve decided I HAVE to talk about who I really am in order to move past this wall that’s gotten so high over the years. Hiding our true selves takes a HUGE toll on us that just piles up over time until we’re crushed under the pressure. It’s so important to just…learn how to be you.

Phew! Been meaning to say this for quite some time! It’s funny how liberating even drawing that image of me was….

I set out to do this comic for “art therapy” reasons, but I guess I really didn’t expect to feel what I’m feeling working on it. For me this whole thing is a legit life reflection session…it’s like sifting through broken glass to find pieces of gold.

When I did this page I was the vibrating, pulsing kind of manic and I feel like as much as I tried to control it, to me it shows through even in how I wrote it. I love that I’m learning how to channel my emotions into this… it’ll be so valuable to look back on when I’m in those dark times πŸ™‚

And such a great release to finally let go of all this!!!

Confessions From Quarantine 03

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It’s been SO WONDERFUL to finally feel like I have an outlet to express these emotions… I was never able to before and it was so painful ;__; Phew!!! These are some insights from my depressive episode last week. I think it’ll be interesting to see the comic flip flop in styles depending on my mood haha!