The Bipolar Is Back and I Can’t Help But Be Afraid…

I think I’m starting to understand why bipolar people are advised against taking Ayahuasca. This integration process is a bitch but I thought I was doing okay. Of course things come in waves… of course I have to learn to be patient with myself and allow the transition to happen. But I slipped into mania without even realizing, and came home to a rude awakening today with Eddy bringing to my attention how I’ve TOTALLY been neglecting him and Han.

“You’re a hero to everyone else but us, and it hurts because you don’t seem to care.” – Eddy

When he said that to me… I could tell just how hurt he was… and THAT hurt me. To be honest… I could FEEL the balance in my life being off (HA not that it’s ever been “on”) since I’ve come back, but I can admit now that I’ve been blatantly ignoring it because the high has been so great. And Eddy has been suffering. Not only because of the neglect, but because I’ve just been pushing my own shit on him constantly, reverting back to my selfishness of not asking him how he’s doing, not offering to help with the project that I was SUPPOSED to be helping him with… making excuses of “I’m just integrating! She’s telling me I need to be patient!” and hoping that he’ll support me.

Which he always does. He always supports me… but I feel like I’ve never learned to support him. I was hoping Mother Ayahuasca would help me with that actually. Help me fix my distorted sense of love… and I thought she DID help… but now I’m not so sure.

Although ayahuasca finally made me start to trust myself and I now have Mother Aya’s positive voice within me, I feel that it’s almost reversed the progress that I’ve made in learning how to center myself. Prior to dating Eddy, I was full on manic, constantly hanging out with people all the time, running on empty but not giving a shit and making everyone happy with my bubbly energy. But then I crashed super hard and didn’t understand why, but Eddy helped me start to decode my past and figure out what was making me feel so depressed. Then last year when I got the bipolar diagnosis it all made sense… and being at the retreat, people were constantly praising me. Telling me I was more self aware than I thought. That I was such a great communicator, a great speaker. Part of why I went there was to work on my problem with seeking validation, and today it dawned on me that this problem has come right back with the confidence that Mother Aya has bestowed on me.

Fucking shit are you serious???? Did I seriously regress???

Ugh I even stupidly got back on Facebook because I was riding the retreat high so hard… wanting to “keep in contact” with the people I met there… but is it because I actually like them or because they remind me of the high of the retreat? That’s always the question right? Are these feelings valid or are they just representative of an addiction?

Lately I’ve been telling people that ayahuasca has stripped me of the armor that I’ve built up until this point… that I’ve molted and now I’m just bare to the world, and I have to work that shit up again. But I don’t WANT the same armor… I don’t WANT to be the same person… how do I change? How do I become the person I WANT to be? I thought I had the answers… I thought I underwent a rite of passage… finally stepping out of childhood into adulthood…into responsibility. But the only responsibility that I’ve been delving into is the responsibility over myself, which isn’t much of a change from before. In fact now it could possibly be worse because I’m not as hard on myself.

Although I feel pretty hard on myself at the moment. And worry so hard that Mother Aya will even leave me now because of the piece of shit I am.

This is always a struggle with me and Eddy. This balance of the time I give to others and the time I give to him and Han. I feel so terrible for him because he’s been so patient for so long, and always takes the time to try and talk me through these situations. I honestly don’t think anyone else WOULD have this type of patience with me… I’m seriously such a child. Bouncing from one extreme to the next, without being able to live the life in between. “Extreme” constituting all these new experiencing, prioritizing friends and acquaintances because by this point, Eddy and Han are such a normalcy in my life, an “extension of me” that for lack of a better term they’re more “boring.” Easier to treat like shit BECAUSE of that normalcy.

I’m so fucked up.

My priorities are so fucked up.

But how the hell am I supposed to fix something like this? I DON’T. FUCKING. KNOW.

Am I supposed to ask for help? WHO DO I EVEN ASK FOR HELP? WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW? Honestly… I’ve been TALKING for so goddamn long since I’ve gotten back, I’ve let more and more shit pile up, been more and more distracted at work… I thought my brain was less chaotic, less scattered… but I just seem to once again be on autopilot and fooling myself that it’s different.

I wanted to think I wasn’t actually bipolar. I wanted to believe Stace. I wanted to believe that “getting my soul back” would fix everything… but again that’s my “extreme” showing up. With the talk that me and Eddy just had… honestly the only conclusion I can come to is starting to take medicine. Hell, trying to get work done over break I have to admit I actually took some of his adderall (he’s got pretty bad ADHD), and even that adderall basically did nothing. I feel like my problems with focus are really fucking awful BECAUSE my issues with highs and lows are so extreme. Western diagnosis or not, I can’t deny I have pretty bad symptoms.

And now… I’m not gonna lie. I’m scared.

And lost.

I don’t know whether to ask for help or not.

I want so badly to message Stace. Or Drew. But that “need” for help just makes me more scared. Since I’ve come back and been reflecting on my journey… I’m disgusted looking back at my dependency on Drew. I hate even typing that here… in public… but I’ve been basically imploding with this pain of really starting to look at how dependent I am on others for whatever fleeting “happiness” I’m chasing. So much so that I’ve now been obsessing about how I acted at the retreat… focusing too much on the past. Which is probably distracting me with other things too. Godammit.

So how am I supposed to know when I need help, and how am I supposed to know when I’m being dependent?

DOES ANYONE HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER HERE?!?!?!

I SOOOO lack any type of foundation in my life that I really… I’m not sure what to go back to since I feel like I’ve never really built anything WORTH going back to.

Eddy says I haven’t been centered since I’ve gotten back, and I said that I haven’t felt centered ever. He said it comes and goes in waves, which I guess I agree with, but it’s so hard for me to search my memory banks for a time when I WAS more stable. I thought I felt stable because of the ayahuasca, but seriously now… I feel as though it’s added an extra layer of distraction on top of who I was before.

Eddy says that me constantly saying “maybe I need to go back on my meds” is SUCH an excuse. And I know he’s right… but I really don’t know what else to do.

He said it’s a matter of being aware of my patterns when I enter mania, but I thought that people at the retreat told me I was already so self aware.

Clearly I’m not. Clearly whatever I’ve become aware of has ALSO been a distraction. I’m never aware of what’s ACTUALLY important. And rather constantly obsess on things that AREN’T. But always SOMEHOW justify it in my own head. WHICH IS WHY MY PRIORITIES ARE SOOOOO FUCKED UP.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PRIORITIZE ANYTHING EVEN!??! WHEN YOU’RE CONSTANTLY SO OVERWHELMED BY THE THINGS TO DO AND THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE?!

I’m scared. I’m scared not only because I’m not sure about what to do about asking for help, but because I can really feel the crash coming on… and I feel like it’s gonna be bad. And even just me saying this is setting up a bad expectation to fall into a deep dark hole… and I really hope I can recover from this one.

Talking about patterns… although I still have difficulty recognizing when my mania hits… I feel that once I recognize that it’s here, the patterns for the crash start becoming really clear. This extreme negativity, this feeling of being the most terrible person in the world… this feeling that I absolutely can’t go to sleep because I need to do as much as I possibly can to try and reverse the damage. Or is that part of mania? Dude I don’t even FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

I feel like… I might be breaking right now. I think the smart thing would be to just go to sleep.

It just really gets to me how I have so much love in my life but I’m still such a selfish asshole who doesn’t quite understand how to return it to those who mean the most. And I worry that I’ll never learn how and I’ll never be able to actually show them how much they mean to me because of some dumb bullshit…

I should just be alone forever.

How Do You Reconcile The Duality of the Soul?

“We are each of us a wise guru in charge of a mental patient” – Jamie Catto

I’m not sure what to do right now… I feel very sick. It reminds me of being in the maloka listening to people retch and purge around me, except now I’m just so crushingly alone. On Christmas Fucking Eve.

And is being alone really so bad? (Also I know I’m not actually alone…just being a drama queen)

I mean I just snapped at Eddy when he asked me what I wanted to do for Christmas. “I WANNA BE FUCKING ALONE.” But do I? He looked so hurt when I said that and it made me feel awful. I’m such a walking contradiction that can never figure anything out… WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS DUALITY OF EXISTENCE SO. FUCKING. HARD??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT??!?!

I want to be alone, but at the same time I NEED people. NEED people to the point of fucking EMBARRASSMENT. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE ELORA. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?! DON’T YOU WANT TO JUST GO LIVE OUT IN THE JUNGLE SOMEWHERE AND LEARN TO FEND FOR YOURSELF?!?! No you don’t because you’re so fucking dependent on people for your happiness and you NEED someone to talk to, don’t you?

HOLIDAYS ARE SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!! I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO PEOPLE AND GO SEE PEOPLE LIKE… WTF WHY CAN’T I JUST BE ALONE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS??!?! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE CONSTANTLY PERFORMING FOR PEOPLE?!?! ALSO IF I LOVE THEM, WHY DO I FEEL THE PRESSURE IN THE FIRST PLACE? Why do I always feel like I OWE people everything? Why can’t we all just exist and I don’t have to feel GUILTY all the FUCKING time?!?!

I have a long ass list of things to do, but rather than doing them I get wrapped up in some fucking MELTDOWN and then the list gets longer and longer and longer and I feel like I’m DROWNING then just want to up and LEAVE IT ALL. But I’ve CHOSEN THIS LIFE and I know I would REGRET NOT DOING THESE THINGS and NO MATTER WHAT LIFE I CHOOSE I’ll still have to LIVE WITH THIS MONSTER INSIDE OF ME SO FUCK IT.

WHY DO I TAKE SO MANY PICTURES?!? Because I enjoy my experience so much and want to document them! But THEN WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM AFTERWARD!? NOTHING! SO NOW I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO GET THEM PRINTED AND PUT THEM IN ALBUMS AND GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE AS PRESENTS!! But it makes me PHYSICALLY ILL to think about organizing all these thousands of fucking things!!!

BECAUSE THE PRESSURE OF THE PICTURES AND GIFTS ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND I CAN’T GET MYSELF TO DRAW!! When I sit to draw, all I think about is this LONG LIST OF SHIT I NEED TO DO! Currently, because it’s the end of the year and also Christmas, I KNOW I need to focus on the thank you cards and organizing photos to print for people but I have all this fucking pent up anger inside me that if I were to go and do those things right now, they wouldn’t come out right and I would just have ANOTHER MELTDOWN because I have all this HORRIBLE ENERGY I NEED TO GET RID OF FIRST.

Am I just DOOMED and CURSED to have too much EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE that I can’t even FOCUS ON ANYTHING REAL AND PRODUCTIVE?!?! Is whatever this energy is inside of me something that will ALWAYS CONTROL ME??? No matter what I do and what I try?! I KNOW I SHOULDN’T ALLOW IT TO HAVE POWER OVER ME BUT IT FUCKING DOES.

It’s so fucking painful to want SO BADLY to just BE CONTENT but constantly be torn in two completely opposite directions of WANTING TO DO and NOT WANTING TO DO, WANTING TO BE ALONE and WANTING TO LOVE, WANTING TO RUN and WANTING TO FIGHT. HOW DO I EXIST IN THIS REALITY?!?! AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST SPEND HOURS EACH DAY VOMITING OUT MY SHIT SO I CAN BE AT SOME BASE LEVEL WHERE I CAN FUNCTION!?!? WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT REALLY???

Ha, yesterday Eddy mentioned that my mom had “done a number on me” with how I was raised. I guess I didn’t even realize till recently how insane I actually am, and how all these issues have manifested in ways that are so challenging I’m not even sure what to do with myself anymore.

I was diagnosed as bipolar this year, and when I went to do ayahuasca, I remember thinking “am I really bipolar?” I think these diagnoses really help us try to pin down what’s wrong with us based on certain traits we have. No matter what you call it… I think I’m starting to finally learn what I actually am. Or what about me at least got me the bipolar diagnosis. It’s amazing to think that people are constantly going to doctors about symptoms, but because they just want the pain to stop they take a pill and don’t do the work to actually try and get to know themselves.

I am so grateful to Ayahuasca for teaching me how to get to know myself, but at the same time… it’s really fucking scary to face… whatever this is I am. And SO fucking hard. “Bipolar” people are known to experience extreme highs and lows, and that’s definitely something I’ve always struggled with. Existing in the “gray area” between SUPER HIGH and SUPER LOW has always seemed impossible for me.. But it’s that “gray area” where life happens. I’m constantly guilty about not spending enough time with Eddy and our dog Han because I’m having a fucking breakdown… but I don’t know what else to do with this energy. Because if I DO go and spend that time… I feel guilty for not doing all these things I feel constant pressure to do! And then when I go and try and be rid of this energy by writing or whatever… I FEEL HORRIBLE THAT I’M NOT DOING THE OTHER THINGS!!!

This breathing technique that I recorded from Dreamglade is saving my life in the way that… I feel like I can get myself in a similar headspace as in ceremony, in order to work on things I need to work on, and even IDENTIFY things I need to work on. It’s so funny because I remember leaving the retreat feeling like I had all the tools I needed to succeed. They kept saying “the real work happens AFTER you take the ayahuasca and get back home” but I was in such a great place, like “psshhh I never need to go do Ayahuasca again! I’m completely healed!”

But that’s another one of those extremes talking. Each day I’ve been home… I see what they mean.

Doing the breathing exercise the past couple days, a LOT has come up… and I’ve become aware of JUST HOW MUCH WORK is to be done within myself… and it scares the shit out of me. There are so many layers to myself that I’m starting to become aware of and, like everything else in my life, it’s causing me overwhelm, but in a different way than having a long list of things to do.

I think actually, the overwhelm is what triggered this. Coming back to work I was all chill like “I don’t need to feel stress anymore because I completely trust myself to get everything done that I need to get done!!” But I barely got ANY work done during the week because I was TOO chill and now, along with the BILLION other things I need to do, I have to try and fit WORK on top of it during this holiday break so I can manage to meet my deadline in the first week of January.

I realize just how much I avoid things and procrastinate and let things PILE UP because I’m unable to focus on doing things when they’re SUPPOSED to be done…which I was aware of before, but I guess I was expecting myself to be able to handle it a bit better. I did just get my period so maybe I’m extra irrational because of hormones,  but I’m really trying hard to work through these things so I can at least be a bit productive.

That being said, today during breathing I immediately just burst into tears the WHOLE TIME, because I felt this INCREDIBLE POWER OF DUALITY BEING FORCED DOWN ON ME. Duality is something that Mother Aya makes you face in ceremony, but I have yet to even BEGIN to fathom how to use what I’ve learned in normal life.

BECAUSE the nature of ME is just SO FUCKING EXTREME. The duality within ME is SO HARD TO HANDLE. AND I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO START GOING ABOUT IT!

“Slow down, take your time”

“BREATHE”

“PATIENCE.”

Yeah yeah. All this shit that’s supposed to help me…YEAH I KNOW. WELL I DID JUST BREATHE AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

I felt this incredible power within me… almost like a monster. Well I DID call it a monster, but Mother Aya said I shouldn’t see it that way. That I should see it as a “power.” The first blog I made was called “Bipolar Beastie,” for good reason… I definitely always thought of the “bipolar” being a beast within me but… today was the first time I actually FELT it (which, although scary, was pretty nice. Another duality). Like something deep deep within my soul that needs to be tamed but is just… writhing around in there wreaking all sorts of havoc. And holy shit it made me NAUSEOUS to actually FEEL it. (This breathing exercise is powerful shit, I assure you.)

The word that kept coming up was “Hummingpup.” After I got back from the retreat, I wanted to create a new site focusing on healing, and about a year ago this “Hummingpup” kept coming up in my mind… I dunno why and part of me thought it sounded a bit dumb, but since I’ve gotten back this little voice kept saying I needed to actually use it for something.

It’s nice because today I just got some clarification on this, but it confused me even more. I definitely think the keyword in all of this is CONFUSION. And with such a lack of patience and conviction, I feel like I’m so shit outta luck in terms of knowing on to deal with all this chaos that keeps popping up in my head.

But anyway, Mother Aya explained to me what a “Hummingpup” is. THAT’S what the “monster” or “beastie” within me is. It’s like a hummingbird in the way that it moves SO PAINFULLY FAST because it thinks that’s the only way to survive. It’s so sad to me how hummingbirds can’t even SLEEP unless they go into a state of torpor, or “temporary hibernation.” It’s the only way for them to save their energy so they can GOGOGO again in the day… and it’s so fucking sad to me that this is basically the only way I’ve functioned too. It’s either I’m GOGOGOGO or in complete isolation (hibernation) where I can’t even bring myself to interact with anyone to conserve my energy for the next time I can GOGOGO again. Then it’s like a puppy in that it has ALL THIS CRAZY ENERGY THAT IT DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH and this lighthearted curiosity, innocence and love for the world… that’s kinda stamped out by the constant need for movement. It’s sad really 😦 All the “pup” wants to do is play, and all the “humming” wants to do is work… but there’s really no in between…at least none that I can currently see.

Eddy says I need to relax, and that he worries about my motivations for doing things because most of the time it seems like I’m doing something out of frustration. I’m not quite sure how to do something because I WANT to do it, if there’s always such a long list of things to do. I’ve been doing the grateful flow tool from the tools book as well… to try and help with this constant state of worry from the overwhelm, but even that didn’t help today. I KEPT DOING IT TOO and it didn’t really calm me down… only the breathing calmed me down because I was able to RELEASE and CRY but then… afterward I was a fucking wreck.

He says my comfort zone is wanting to GOGOGO… wanting to write and get out my energy, wanting to angrily clean or throw a tantrum… but how am I supposed to know when to RELEASE ENERGY or when to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE with it? How am I supposed to adequately identify my comfort zones?  I’m not sure what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong… which way is the right way to go… how to actually move forward even though I’ve been doing the pain exercise from that book… I’m so constantly overwhelmed I can’t tell what’s what anymore, and again I feel so crippled by reality. Am I supposed to take time each day to expend this energy? Breathing, running, yoga, writing, talking? It takes me a long ass time to get my words out because I have so goddamn many of them… and then once I write I have to go talk to Eddy about it, and then I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and can’t concentrate on anything else…what is the proper approach here?

Hummingbirds are weak and fragile because they never stop flying, and pups have boundless energy and need to be trained to even start to focus. WHAT HOPE DO I HAVE OF A FOCUSED LIFE WHERE I CAN BE PRODUCTIVE AND ALSO EXHIBIT UNLIMITED LOVE TO EVERYTHING AROUND ME?! Do I need to start taking meds again?! Do I need to do more ayahuasca?! Do I need to run away and live in the jungle again but this time never leave!? How much work do I need to do on myself before I can ACTUALLY start moving forward!? UGH.

I feel as though… Mother Ayahuasca has opened a door within me that I’m both intrigued by and afraid of, and I’m not sure what to do with what’s coming out of it. It’s almost like opening a Pandora’s Box…There are so many layers and I’m not sure how to come to terms with that… Meanwhile time just keeps slipping away and I feel like my life is going to waste…

Crushed By Reality And It Hasn’t Even Been A Week

Type 7 Enneathought For The Day: Make this Affirmation today: “I now affirm that I stay with projects until I complete them.”

Well… my first severe low has already hit and it hasn’t even been a week. I can’t really tell how much of it is because of my period that started today, but regardless…it’s been pretty rough. I was only at Dreamglade for 8 days, but the serene atmosphere and highs I was able to achieve through social interaction and the ayahuasca made me feel like the lows would never come. Kinda like when me and Eddy were in Kauai for our honeymoon, he made sure to REMIND me that the lows would come again and even though I agreed at the time, when I returned to reality and they DID come, they hit me in the face like a brick so hard it was nearly impossible to recover.

During my research I had read that ayahuasca makes you have a higher “ceiling,” or emotional tolerance before you hit something like depression. I have a feeling that’s true, because the negative voice inside me is definitely not as strong, or rather it’s now constantly being combated by the positivity, support, and rationality of Mother Ayahuasca. However, I guess the easiest way to describe it is still with the bipolar diagnosis. My emotions are SO STRONG and overpowering, and they’re very difficult to tame, and I have difficulty existing in a gray area between the high and the low of my moods. It reminds me very much of Second Ceremony, when mama reminded me that these “extremes” exist, and no matter how great I’m feeling, darkness will always return and I have to learn how to deal with it in order to regain my power.

As grateful as I am for Ayahuasca’s ability to make you face this eternal struggle of duality, I’m bummed that it hasn’t really made things too much easier. This balance is so fucking hard, and it’s not even that bad. This is just normal life.

Yesterday I had so much fire with the idea for this Hummingpup Healing Project, and I’m definitely still excited and motivated for it, but fears and doubts set in so quickly… definitely more quickly than I was hoping. I got home from work and did my Ceremony 1 speed painting with gusto, then as soon as I attempted to draw something “real,” I settled into my comfort zone of planning blog posts and outlining what I was gonna write.

Erik’s words (from the retreat) came back to me: “You need to paint. You’re so good at expressing yourself with words, you need to start expressing yourself another way. I would love to see you paint.”

Thank you so much Erik…These words will seriously never leave me…along with “If you change one thing when you get back, make sure it’s your diet. It affects every other part of your life.”

I’m still shocked by how quickly and how close I got to the people at Dreamglade, not only the employees, but the guests as well… they’ve changed my life in a way that no one I’ve known even for years has, which speaks to how open and vulnerable we really were over there. I can’t believe how much I’m still processing, not only how much my mind has shifted from the experience, but also how DIFFERENT I was while I was there. I think a huge part of it is just that opportunity to detox from the overstimuli of the modern world. I wonder if this is what it’s like when people go to rehab then come back to this reality? It’s a whole different game… and it really sucks 😦

ANYWAY.

When Erik’s words popped into my head, THAT’S when I realized I was wallowing smack dab in my comfort zone of planning and writing. The fear of facing myself with my art hit me so hard I had to go to sleep because I just… could NOT do anymore work on Hummingpup after realizing just how much of an “art phobia” I’ve built up over the years. It made me nauseous. Being so afraid for so long has built up this huge expectation for something great to happen when I go to put pencil/pen/whatever to paper. But WHY should it even be great? Like Mother Ayahuasca says “You’re a newborn. You have to crawl before you can walk, walk before you can draw.” OBVIOUSLY. It’s so strange how I’ve been able to learn how to work through the physical pain of kambo, sananga, and sickness/purging during ayahuasca, but I keep avoiding the emotional pain of facing how behind I am with my art skills. Even the forward motion pain tool isn’t helping right now! UGH!

So during my breathing exercise this morning, I focused on my feelings of overwhelm as I called out for help. I was immediately flooded with all these familiar thoughts I hadn’t experienced while I was away, and I just could NOT stop crying.

“You suck, you’re already falling behind.”

“Why are you always so behind?”

“You’re such a failure.”

“You’re horrible, why even try?”

Except this time, rather than having to deal with these alone, Mother Ayahuasca came to my aid. So quickly did I feel her embrace that I cried even harder.

“Why do you feel the need to rush, my child? Slow down, give yourself time. Remember what I taught you…

LISTEN

FOCUS

PATIENCE

You’re not taking the time to listen… if you don’t listen, you can’t focus. Listen to yourself. Be patient with yourself. You have so much beauty within you waiting to be released.

SURRENDER TO THE PAIN.

She took my hands just as Raul did in ceremony, as if to say “I accept you, sweetheart. This is what it means to be human. Now learn to accept yourself.”

So much love and compassion in that gentle motion… It’s strange how quickly our human minds forget. I’m starting to understand why Ayahuasca is so powerful.

I took a mapacho break with Amy today and it’s funny because it was rough for her too. She was actually the first to say it this morning when we dropped off her Christmas present. “Uggghhh this is the first day I’m feeling a real low.” It was nice to hear that both of us are struggling with translating Mother Ayahuasca’s lessons in this reality. I suppose it should be an interesting and fun challenge, but because it hit us so hard today it’s really just frustrating. You’d think that undergoing these ultimate tests of “letting go” and “not having expectations” would teach us how to apply the same ideas to everyday challenges but… surprisingly not. I’m realizing now just how conscious and aware we have to be of these things. Time to reread that Tools book already 😐

What’s so great about Ayahuasca though is that not only are you under her influence for hours during ceremony, but the experiences are so intense and a lot of the time, her message is repeatedly harped at you because you keep trying so hard to understand. During my Third Ceremony death experience, my mind kept going to the same places — “Why can’t I see? I can’t move my head, I can’t open my eyes. I don’t understand what’s going on. Where am I? Am I missing something? Why can’t I move my body?”

Strangely enough, even though I knew I was going through an insanely profound death experience, it felt like it lasted an eternity and I couldn’t help but wonder if I was missing out on something. Not having a body for hours was so strange, and the fact that I could hear people around me in the physical world still bothered me because I couldn’t help wanting to know what they were doing, or participate in that world because I felt left out.

But Mother Ayahuasca kept saying the same things: LISTEN, FOCUS, PATIENCE and RESPECT. I also will never forget her giggling and saying “Oh I turned your body off, you don’t need it. Just listen to Raul and Lydia. You don’t need to see, you don’t need to understand. That will come with time.”

But again, because this lasted for an eternity, the same shit kept coming up again, and again and again… I wonder how many times she told me the same things. Hundreds? Thousands? That’s what it felt like. So it’s amazing to me now that my negativity has returned, how clear these lessons still are in my head. Rather than choosing to wallow and cry and just go to sleep… I forced myself to write this out and try to process further, because I’m realizing now that these days post retreat are SOOOO crucial to building the habits that I want to build.

Despite the negative thoughts being back, I do feel a renewed sense of motivation. Even though I couldn’t help feeling sorry for myself today, I’m fighting hard to pull myself out of it because Mother Ayahuasca is with me… and I very much feel like she won’t let me spiral into that dark hole again. At least not as easily as I used to. When I draw, I can’t even say “GO KILL YOURSELF” anymore because I’ve already died. So that’s at least something I need to be proud of. As unsettling as it is that these feelings have returned, I can still feel that everything is different now.

A permanent shift has occurred, and I’m not going back.

Day 15: Lion King Changed My Life Pt 2

“Ah, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it…or learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King

Woke up this morning and finished Lion King… it’s funny how my un-high mind has a hard time communicating thoughts in a stream of consciousness way. This was so much easier last night! My sober mind was still JUST as affected by this movie though… it’s SUCH a beautiful thing when something can be so relatable and touch your heart in a way that makes you want to be a better person.

Eddy always talks about how similar I am to Simba in terms of wanting to run away from all my problems. Really… Hakuna Matata is SO GREAT. Simba was in really bad shape when he was chased away from Pride Rock, and he would totally have been dead if Timon and Pumbaa didn’t find him. Timon says to Simba “You gotta put your past behind ya. Look kid, bad things happen and you can’t do anything about it. When the world turns the back on you, you turn your back on the world.”

Image result for timon you gotta put your past behind you gif

Simba does eventually learn to put the past behind him, but he needed this period of isolation and “turning his back on the world” to subconsciously rack up the courage to do so. There’s no WAY he could’ve survived to take on Scar without living the “Hakuna Matata” lifestyle first. He needed to HEAL dammit!! And it’s really nice to remember that! ;_;

Gosh what I would GIVE to live that kinda life… I don’t think I’d even mind eating bugs! Living peacefully out in the woods, looking up at the stars at night, not having any worries or problems… really sounds like the way to go. It’s the way of the shaman! I’m so annoying to Eddy by this point how when I get into my horrible moods I immediately jump to running away, faking my death, and living on an island somewhere. He never entertains these thoughts, but I constantly bring them up anyway because when I’m in a bad place, it’s definitely the easiest solution to turn to.

However what Lion King reminds me of is that can only last so long… Eddy always brings it up too. He KNOWS that over time I would get restless living that kinda life, because I’m meant for greater things. Well… not so much that second part. He urges me to just live in the moment because this is it. The moment that we’re living right now, THIS is life. Even if I were to escape, my “grass is greener” mentality still wouldn’t let me be happy. I need to change that whole outlook first, and I think slowly it’s finally starting to happen 🙂

Lion King is great because, even though we’re not all royalty, meant to grow into a role of king or queen, it suggests that we have to learn to put the past behind us and embrace what’s happening in our current life. We can’t just run away forever, and we have to look within us to remember where we’re from, and who we are.

Especially now after losing my dad, I feel like I’ve become a completely different person. I’m starting to care about real shit, rather than focusing on my internal stress and worry all the time. I would go so far as to say… going through my dad’s death forced me on the path of “growing up,” something that I was fighting for so long because my mom always tried to force me to grow up and I naturally rebelled. It’s interesting how in all these Disney movies, or in tons of movies in general, the parents or someone important to the main character dies. In so many things, even Magic The Gathering, the “spark” within is ignited by a traumatic event, waking up the person to become a Planeswalker.

It’s easy to become complacent, but certain events in our life are a “call to action” and we have to make a choice to become who we’re meant to be or stay stagnant. Watching Mufasa come out of the clouds to remind Simba who he really is… that’s some powerful shit. It’s so dumb but I can almost see my own dad coming out of the clouds to remind me to embrace this life I was given and really go for it. Not like I’m a king or anything, but there’s so much I wanna do with this life I was given that I’ve chosen to neglect because of the stupid past. Hearing Mufasa’s booming voice say “Remember who you are” is that call to action I needed… and it’s nice to know that if I’m ever feeling down or that feeling of stagnation to just watch The Lion King. I’ve always loved this movie but, I think more than any other Disney movie, the meaning has changed so much for me in my adult life that it can be a powerful tool for kicking my ass out of depressive episodes.

It’s so easy to let the past rule our lives and mess up what we SHOULD be paying attention to, so much so that it cripples us to actually LIVE. The Lion King is a great reminder that we need to have the courage to take responsibility over who we are and who we’re meant to be, because it affects those around us. As much as I love Moana because it helped me cope with my dad’s death when it was still VERY fresh, I think Lion King deals with similar themes even better than Moana, in a deeper more adult fashion. There’s so much death and darkness in it, but that’s fucking life.

Lol Black Panther dealt with similar themes too, in such a similar fashion. Man life is hard and responsibility sucks, but it’s just a part of it. Sigh. Gotta work harder. Thank goodness I’m not some secret royalty… seems like that would make it even worse haha! I’m grateful for my life, and also for having the dad that I had…I can’t take that for granted. Something I need to remember moving forward.

Day 13: UGH.

I am NOT in a good mood. It’s super weird because this whole week I’ve been generally ok during the day, but at night I throw these horrible tantrums. It’s becoming more and more clear that my indecision is such a stress factor in my life. Like right now…

I CAN’T EVEN STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RIGHT BECAUSE I’M SO TENSE.

What ends up happening is that I curl up every part of my body… I think it’s actually resulted in ankle problems and this week, a horrible stiff neck because I just can’t relax. I think it’s because it’s hitting me really hard how little time I have, and Han has been SUPER annoying. I love him and hate him at the same time. It’s so goddamn hard to have a puppy when you can’t just give it your full attention and you keep feeling guilty when it looks sad and lonely. Dogs add so much to our life but are also a huge sacrifice… it really was a bad idea to get him while doing all this wedding shit. And SPEAKING OF. I FEEL LIKE IT’S SO MY FAULT ALL THESE THINGS WE’VE DECIDED TO DO. Some days I’m ok with it but today is one of those days where I am just SO PISSED OFF AT MYSELF at the decision to, for example, MAKE KAKAMORA. I feel so terrible for Eddy having drilled all these holes in coconuts and it looked so dangerous.

Where I’m getting ready for the wedding has been giving me all this anxiety the entire time because my planner and photographer and videographer keep asking where I’m getting ready but I hate how our AirBnB looks cuz I got it for cheapness! So whatever today I booked a room at a resort for the actual wedding day and day before, and was happy with my decision at first but then felt like backing out again! I OBSESSED ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS!!! I SERIOUSLY COULD’VE GOTTEN SOOO MUCH DONE IN THE TIME I JUST READ REVIEWS ABOUT THE PLACE I HAD ALREADY BOOKED!! And all it did was make me feel sorry for myself that I was impulsive and made a bad decision again, plus rope Eddy’s cousin into it… and now she can’t even get out of it.

ONLY TO LAND ON THE DECISION THAT THIS IS THE BEST DECISION!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?! And right after that I went straight for the kakamora to be like “UGH THESE AREN’T LOOKING EXACTLY LIKE HOW I WANT THEM TO LOOK” and making Eddy feel terrible AGAIN.

WHY DO I DO THIS?!?! It’s seriously SO FUCKED UP that it’s PAINFUL.

Eddy asked if I was manic and I really fucking hope not. I think the way to salvage this is probably sleep… because Han will never let us sleep in anyway and I’ll have to wake up at 7am at the absolute latest anyway. And Han super pissed me off today cuz he ate a pile of human shit over by the homeless encampment at the park then just kept running. One of our dog friends was even trying to help me catch him and he kept running away all the while chomping at the shit in his mouth. SO FUCKING UPSETTING. Sometimes I love that he’s a troublemaker and other times I absolutely hate it.

I JUST FEEL LIKE SUCH A MONSTER AT NIGHT LATELY. I LIKE TURN INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON AND IT PISSES ME OFF!!! IS THIS EVEN HELPING?! I still feel SO TENSE that it hurts! When I’m like this I seriously like… FEEL my face and body contorting into awful shapes but just can’t get out of this mindset.

Or is that just the story I’m telling myself?

UGH Why did “you got off work at 4pm today and you haven’t done shit” JUST POP INTO MY HEAD?! FUCK YOU MIND. SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU.

IS THIS HELPING?!

I need to calm my ass down. What a useless fucking entry. Did this even release some steam?! DID IT?! God. I’m just gonna get off this damn computer and try to sleep I guess. Fuck it.

Day 10: The Past is Always Bittersweet

“Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.” -Joseph Campbell

It’s been pretty good lately! Also busy. I feel like I’m always in some sort of transition period but… when I think about it, aren’t we all? Like, ALL the TIME? It’s pretty easy to get our ass handed to us by life, and I guess it’s not typical to just be super content and satisfied. As far as I can tell, everyone always is dealing with some kinda shit. I really do feel though that transitioning HAS been my main focus lately. Maybe it always was?

Anywho. Yesterday Eddy started work so we have to SERIOUSLY learn to stagger our schedules so that Han isn’t alone for too long. That means that if I have anything planned after work, I have to leave super early to get there on time. It’s amazing how little time there is after work, especially if you’re someone who gets up really early, like I’m trying to be. Sorry it’s just NOT THAT EASY TO GET TO BED BY 9PM.

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist who I ended up lying to that I’m still on meds 😐 At least I have a new prescription in case something WERE to happen and I really needed them. I explained to her that I hated being on the meds because I never felt the same joy like I used to, and needed to constantly be high in order to feel anything really. I didn’t like that she told me to stop smoking weed, but when you think about it, psychiatrist and doctors, anyone who prescribes pharmaceutical meds really, of COURSE wouldn’t like weed cuz it’d be taking away their business! But in any case, as long as I’m not on my meds I feel fine and don’t need to be high all the time to get through my day.

Something she DID say though that was useful, is that rather than use weed to make me feel joy, I should try to do things that are fun and not “SECRET CHORES.” No one has ever told me that before… SECRET CHORES. I told her “oh yeah I’m getting back into meditation and yoga and that’s been fun” and she’s like “well those are still self care things to do… find something that’s not a secret chore.”

Dude she is SO RIGHT! Gonna make more time to have actual fun in the near future. It kinda sucks because I’m trying to do so much now… Oh gosh should I try to list what I’m attempting right now?  Maybe that would be healthy, who knows.

  1. Transitioning off my meds and learning to control the depression and mania on my own.
  2. Transitioning into dealing with my bipolar diagnosis in general.
  3. Waking up at 5am to walk Han, leave for work by 7, and leave work to come back home by 4pm.
  4. Eating a healthier mostly plant based diet.
  5. Getting in a consistent workout schedule, running MWF, weight training TTH, yoga daily.
  6. Working with April to create wooden signs for my wedding.
  7. Centerpiece art for wedding, trying to get them printed in time so I can ask for help to get them painted around Friday. Need to test how different paints will work on the transparencies before then.
  8. Video for the wedding
  9. Attempting to do personal doodles to at least work out these thoughts I’ve been having lately
  10. Trying to find someone for Han to stay when we get married, which involves multiple meet and greets
  11. Communicating with a hula instructor
  12. Trying to get to sleep by 9pm

It’s actually not as bad as I thought, because in my head I recognized that there are actually more things to DO, but I didn’t list them because they’re not my current priority and I need to finish these things before I even START thinking about those things. That’s progress, right?

Today I was talking to Bre about art… and art has been a sore subject for me for a while. I’ve been depressed about it for probably like 10 years now, but I finally feel like I’m making some mental progress in the art field. Today though talking to Bre a little bit of the bad feelings slipped through again and I think I need to talk about it.

Almost 3 years ago I made the conscious decision to fully disappear from all Social Media. I had tried multiple times before but kept going back, but it was my dad’s death that made me stay off facebook because man… I had a lot to work on. Looking back, the person I was before my dad’s death seems sorta… unrecognizable to me. In a good way though. I’m learning to look back and not hate the me I used to be, but rather try and focus on the progress I’ve made along the way. And also be really happy that I’m not like that anymore.

Bre’s been sending me those talks between Dave Rapoza and Dan Warren, which are FANTASTIC. It’s really nice that they talk about real shit on there… it’s super relatable and man… totally sounds like what I’ve been going through for years. Bre told me that she wants to start trying to incorporate story into her art, and how she really wants to learn to gain more happiness from her art and share it with more people. She’s already such a fantastic artist, and I guess I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy when she said that. Then I was like… wtf why do I feel JEALOUS. i should be happy for Bre because she’s really starting to come into her own and get into a rhythm blahdeeblahblah. And I AM happy for her, because I know she struggles with a lot of the same shit that I do… and maybe for that reason I can’t help but feel a bit bitter.

Months ago these feelings would have been WAY WORSE mind you. Something I just realized. What I just felt while writing the word “bitter” is only a sliver of how upset and jealous I used to get… which is a really good thing. I’m so happy to have recognized that progress 😀 And I think the reason why is because I know that EVENTUALLY I’ll get to that point where I can vomit out art and actually express how I feel, but for some reason something is still holding me back. And THAT’S where the bitterness comes from. I know that Bre spends a lot of time painting, and I think the jealousy also comes from knowing that she has time to do it. I mean… no one’s really got time, you have to make time, but I can’t help feeling a little bit stuck because of the wedding (again, ANOTHER feeling that ruled my life a couple months ago).

I’m feeling really RESTLESS, and I’m trying to tell myself “just a little more just a little more you’re almost done with the wedding” but at the same time I’m like “pssshhh whatever you can MAKE time even WITH the wedding” and then ALSO at the same time “BUT IF YOU DO THAT YOU’RE GONNA BE OVERLOADING YOURSELF AND SPIRAL INTO DARKNESS AGAIN NO DON’T DO IT”

Today I was telling Bre that I used to get on my ass so much about having wasted time, or regretting my past. But now I can tell I’m in a better place because I can see that as much as I feel that way, what I did in the past shaped who I am now. Listening to Dave talk about his past is also validation in a way. Today he was talking about working professionally and how over time you get used to it, care less and get more comfortable, which is totally the stage I’m in now. They were talking about how of course it would be impossible to balance your time when you’re still in that stage of getting used to working in the industry, and people should know to be a little easy on themselves during their early 20s/while they’re in that phase, because it’s almost EXPECTED of you to be shitty then. Because I’m now starting to feel that separation between personal/work life (partially due to the forceful influence of the wedding but also because I’m getting used to being at WB) I can relate to what he’s saying, but I’m still not at the point where I can feel ok about my art.

These conversations between Dave and Dan are great, but I can’t help thinking like… they’re already great artists though. They’re just looking back on their journey but… they’ve been able to achieve way more than I have artwise, and developed skills that I can’t really hope to develop now especially because I want kids. Yeah I related to what they were saying, but I guess maybe I’m not ready to listen to artists yet. To venture into that art world just yet. That part of me still exists where I can’t help but compare myself to their achievements, and although I told Bre that I can look back and not feel like I wasted time… I still feel BAD about it. Looking back, my early 20s seems like some VOID OF TIME that I can’t even REMEMBER. Like WTF WAS I DOING THAT WHOLE TIME!? I guess it was a whole lot of partying, going to gallery shows, meeting people, drinking, taking classes, and going to the Magic Castle. But I really hate that… I dunno I guess I can’t even remember gleaning much wisdom or knowledge from that time. When i get home from work, Han is spastic… just rushing at me with all this energy. Looking back I feel like I was more like that… just kinda LIVING and not really… soaking anything important in. :\ I am so glad I met Eddy and started on this path because… as jealous as I am of dogs just living, I see now (that I just wrote this) that eventually that type of “only living in the moment” lifestyle can only lead to depression. Come to think of it, I think I was probably manic for most of that… how else would I be able to do so much, drive from orange county to LA all the time, and still work, do homework and hang out with my bf? Ugh geez… no wonder I crashed into such a hard and long depression. Seriously until I started taking the Latuda and stopped feeling the symptoms of depression, I don’t think I even understood how BAD the depression was. I had already accepted it as a state of living, and couldn’t remember functioning any other way. Probably lasted around 7-8 years of being full on in it.

I’m so grateful for where I’m at right now.

That being said, back to art. Especially after realizing that about depression… I guess I should be easy on myself (like Dave said) because I had this mental illness the whole time that I didn’t realize that I had, and RECOGNIZE that I couldn’t have possibly achieved balance with art because I was unconsciously dealing with that. I’m still jealous though that some people are able to work THROUGH their depression and create something great. I never learned how to express myself through art, because I was so focused on getting a job in animation that I just tried (and failed) to make things pretty or fit in to the animation standard. I guess it worked ok since I’m now actually working at a union studio thank god, but I really do feel like most people I know have drawn so much more than I ever have in my entire life. I was just so goddamn distracted all the time, first by people, then by my depression, that I wasn’t ever really able to attain a strong skillset like basically EVERYONE I know. And now that I’m already at this stage in life where I’m getting married and planning to have kids, it makes me sad knowing that I (see I wanna use the word WASTED here) use up all my best years of exploration and experimentation on shallow pursuits that ultimately mean NOTHING now.

But UGH ELORA. REMEMBER THAT ALL OF THAT WAS LEADING YOU HERE. I guess that’s not so bad. Through that butterly effect/6 degrees of separation thing I suppose everyone in my life now who I love is a result of all that past I’ve lived, and I need to just learn to own it and get over it.

UGH WITH ART THOUGH!!! I can’t GET OVER that I wasn’t able to express going through my darkest times with ART. I LOVE how you can see artists progress over time, change styles, deal with various issues… like someone’s story is shown THROUGH THEIR ART. There’s such a huge chunk of STORY in my life that I WISH i could show through art… but backtracking now just wouldn’t be the same. I feel like this will always be one of my regrets… but I need to learn to get over it someday. I don’t WANT it to be a regret.

Maybe I need to stop wanting to ARCHIVE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME while I’m at not making that a regret. I fucking HATE that human need to archive everything because we’re fucking MORTALS. I take a gazillionbillion photos and never even DO ANYTHING WITH THEM and all it does is create some dumb pressure that I need to do something with them eventually but it all just ends up piling up and up and up and…. that’s what I’m doing with my art too. I keep writing down little notes everywhere, on post its, etc… but gosh when I look back on them to finally do something with it, I feel like that moment has passed and the magic is gone.

Just like this page of shit I wrote when I was driving super high to Karen’s house and attempting to scribble down my thoughts… I remember feeling SOOOO great like “I JUST WANNA DRAW RIGHT NOW I WISH I WASN’T DRIVING. AWWWW IT’S OK ILL JUST DO IT LATER” but then I NEVER FUCKING DID IT and now… geez just LOOK at this page. SO UNINTELLIGIBLE I CAN BARELY EVEN MAKE OUT WHAT I WROTE! Such a bummer man.

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HOW DOES ANYONE DEAL WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS?!?!! Mortality is so goddamn fleeting I wish we were just given a fucking manual sometimes and been told what to look out for and when so we don’t feel like such failures or always wanna kill ourselves >:0

It’s ok. I’m learning how to be positive. I swear. 😐

Day 3: First Moodswing Off Meds

MOOD DIARY: -1

My day started off so great, and it stayed continually mellow throughout work which is abnormal. I thought I was home free… Honestly I feel like I’ve been so stable and good lately that I thought, probably naively, that this would last for a while. When I got home today, I was happy to see Eddy and Han, but immediately got irritable looking at the state of the apartment. Anytime Eddy relaxes during the day and I come home to a mess, I can’t help but lose my shit a bit.

This of course, was irrational today because Eddy pulled an all nighter and I assumed that he wasn’t going to do anything productive. He HAD to sleep he HAD to relax. But for some reason my mind thinks that people should just never slack off I guess. I feel really bad for him, because the unrealistic expectations I’ve placed on myself project onto him SO MANY TIMES, and for some reason I feel like he should just always be cleaning or doing chores through the day. I mean, a long time ago he DID say that when he’s out of a job he’d be the stay at home mom, but he never really turned into that role chore-wise. We just both really suck at keeping a place clean.

I could feel my mood swinging, and then it got even worse I think because I was hungry. So I ate a piece of bread and felt better, so we went to Target to get a card for his grandma who recently did something super generous for us. We ended up buying a buncha stuff at Target, and FORGETTING THE CARD IN THE CART.

NOW I’M ANNOYED BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO DO THIS STUPID JOURNAL BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TO AND I CAN’T EVEN THINK CUZ THE TV IS SO LOUD. Jesus.

Gosh I don’t even know how to describe it really… I feel almost like I’m slowly getting warmer until I boil? And I’m not sure why? The day was perfectly fine… I guess in general it’s still a lot more mellow than how I usually am, but it’s really upsetting to know that these feelings are indeed going to come back.

What to do to fix this? Ok I guess… factors that affected my mood today:

  1. Messy apartment, messy room, feeling like neither of us can keep anything clean, but spiraling into me feeling like maybe I’m a bit masochistic to let this happen all the time
  2. Leaving the card at Target when I felt like I would rather stay at home and finish the wedding illustrations that I feel has been taking me WAY TOO FUCKING LONG
  3. Having to deal with Han while Eddy got Popeyes and knowing I want to train him to be a service dog but he’s a fucking beagle and it’s like the hardest stubbornest dog to train. Realizing how long it’s gonna take to do and wondering if it’s even possible
  4. My EYE has been itchy since last night and I dunno what’s wrong with it. Plus I was feeling itchy in different areas today, including feet and lips and I’m wondering if I’m having an allergic reaction to something. Not fun to experience while dealing with Han pulling on his leash trying to keep him away from kids at the park while waiting a bajillion years for Eddy to come back with his Popeyes that I’m not even gonna eat cuz I ate MCDONALDS this morning. UGH.

I’m really not feeling well, and the day started off SO GREAT. Would keeping a clean apartment and room really help? Ugh I feel like PROBABLY YES. I think I need to work harder at my foundations… my structure of schedule and trying to maintain a nice living space. Oh that’s another thing, I ended up waking up late and because we went to McDonald’s it threw off my whole schedule… meaning I got into work later than usual, got home later than usual, and now feel like a fucking failure again.

But I’m not, remember? At least I should remember. That’s the whole point of doing this. Right? To remind myself that I’m not just a fuck up. Treat yourself with love, Elora, remember. I should also treat Eddy with love 😦 I feel so bad I know he’s also prone to forgetting and I exploded at him because of the card.

He just came in and asked “Baby how much do you hate me? I’ll always still love you no matter what”

;____; He’s so perfect.

I’m so grateful to be with someone so patient… I think I need to go to sleep. It’s worth it to just note this mood and remember what the causes were… I’ve done my duty.

Today I watched Stephen Fry’s documentary The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive which was really insightful. There was a woman in there that said she kept a mood diary, 1-3 for mania, 0 for stable, -1 to -3 for depression. I think I’ll add that onto these as well.. it’ll be an interesting thing to track. There was also a guy who said that 20% of bipolar people kill themselves, 40% never function well enough and live with families, another 20% don’t function at their potential and get dead end jobs, 20% somehow stabilize and recover and can lead productive lives. I hope I’m part of the 20% that stabilizes and not the 20% that kills themselves or never functions 😐

“My stress is your easy day at the office. One person copes, the other goes mad.” – Stephen Fry