So Sick Of The Noise

“Nothing that goes on in anyone else’s mind can hurt you”

– Marcus Aurelius

There’s too much noise
Energy draining out of me
The urge to speak
But most don’t listen
Pulled every which way
By those who are stronger
At pretending to know
The cause of the imbalance
Unable to separate
Wanting to help everyone
Wanting to make a difference
A fruitless labor
They don’t want to be changed
Wallowing in pain is instinct
You can only change yourself
Take responsibility
I am too small to change the world
Too large to be brought down by them
Done with allowing myself
To be lost within the lost
I’m taking ME back
My SELF, my VOICE, my ENERGY
And I don’t care what anyone thinks
Turn it off
Shut it down
You don’t have to be anything for them
Just be
You
Now
It is enough
Always
Do you trust me?
Yes.
It’s time to move forward
Together.

Not Waving But Drowning

Not Waving but Drowning 

BY STEVIE SMITH

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought   
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,   
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   
(Still the dead one lay moaning)   
I was much too far out all my life   
And not waving but drowning.

Just watched Queen’s Gambit. I am in love and resonate with so much of it… even if it slightly brings me shame. But change is possible, and it’s left me empowered. Just read an article that pointed out how the show snuck in the work of female artists who tended to be overshadowed by men. This poem by Stevie Smith is one of them. Super relate.

For so much of my life I felt like I told the people around me that I was drowning, repeatedly, but everyone just said I was so happy and bubbly all the time. They wanted to see in me what they chose to see for themselves. What served them the best.

I am so grateful to have found a few wonderful people, including my husband, who were able to actually hear me. But others aren’t as lucky…

It’s important to listen.

It’s also important to express how you feel. Asking for help increases the chances of finding those who will listen.

I AM…

At the Journey Home women’s retreat I went to last year, we did an exercise where we went around to each woman as a sort of “speed date” and we told our partner positive traits that our intuition FELT about them, while looking deeply in their eyes. In the end we chose which of those traits to claim, in the form of “I AM.” Gosh I haven’t looked at this for a while…and it just makes me tear up. I am so grateful for all those wonderful ladies I connected with that week. They told me what they could see in me… and it was beautiful. Posting here as a reminder for when I need it:

I AM MAGIC
I am a seeker of truth
I am barefoot in the jungle
I am in a huge underground cavern nourished with running water and beautiful rock formations
I am acceptance
I am an infant and wise woman all at once
I am chosen innocence
I am deep wisdom
I am the fairy lights
I am overwhelming at times yet sparkle with infectious aliveness
I am fierceness, vitality and exuberance
I am a warrior goddess who champions love, joy, courage, honesty and authenticity
I am Elora. 

Perhaps I’m starting to see it a lil bit of this within myself… 🙂

How I Became A Warrior

HOW I BECAME A WARRIOR

Once, I ran from fear
so fear controlled me.
Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.
Listen to it, but not give in.
Honour it, but not worship it.
Fear could not stop me anymore.
I walked with courage into the storm.
I still have fear,
but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.
I invited shame into my heart.
I let it burn.
It told me, “I am only trying
to protect your vulnerability”.
I thanked shame dearly,
and stepped into life anyway,
unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness
buried deep inside.
I invited it to come out and play.
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.
And I found joy right there.
Right at the core of my sorrow.
It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.
A mind that wouldn’t stop.
Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.
So I stopped trying to silence them.
And I dropped out of the mind,
and into the Earth.
Into the mud.
Where I was held strong
like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.
I called anger into the light of myself.
I felt its shocking power.
I let my heart pound and my blood boil.
Listened to it, finally.
And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”.
“Speak your truth with passion!”.
“Say no when you mean no!”.
“Walk your path with courage!”.
“Let no one speak for you!”
Anger became an honest friend.
A truthful guide.
A beautiful WILD child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.
I tried to distract and numb myself.
Ran to people and places and things.
Even pretended I was “happy”.
But soon I could not run anymore.
And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.
And I died and was reborn
into an exquisite solitude and stillness.
That connected me to all things.
So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.
My heart One with all other hearts.

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,
and they all have a home in me,
and they all belong and have dignity.
I am sensitive, soft, fragile,
my arms wrapped around all my inner children.
And in my sensitivity, power.
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,
in what I had named “darkness”,
I found a blazing Light
that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior
when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

Author: Jeff Foster (www.lifewithoutacentre.com)

Surrender

What does surrender even mean?

You don’t have to feel overwhelmed.
You don’t have to feel pressure.
You don’t have to feel doubt.
You don’t have to feel insecure.
You don’t have to feel inadequate.
You don’t have to feel behind.
You don’t have to feel regret.
All you need is gratitude.
All you need is to be. Here. Now.
All you need is love.
Love will lead to peace.
Why is this so hard?
Because you still haven’t surrendered.

It doesn’t have to be hard.