The Bipolar Is Back and I Can’t Help But Be Afraid…

I think I’m starting to understand why bipolar people are advised against taking Ayahuasca. This integration process is a bitch but I thought I was doing okay. Of course things come in waves… of course I have to learn to be patient with myself and allow the transition to happen. But I slipped into mania without even realizing, and came home to a rude awakening today with Eddy bringing to my attention how I’ve TOTALLY been neglecting him and Han.

“You’re a hero to everyone else but us, and it hurts because you don’t seem to care.” – Eddy

When he said that to me… I could tell just how hurt he was… and THAT hurt me. To be honest… I could FEEL the balance in my life being off (HA not that it’s ever been “on”) since I’ve come back, but I can admit now that I’ve been blatantly ignoring it because the high has been so great. And Eddy has been suffering. Not only because of the neglect, but because I’ve just been pushing my own shit on him constantly, reverting back to my selfishness of not asking him how he’s doing, not offering to help with the project that I was SUPPOSED to be helping him with… making excuses of “I’m just integrating! She’s telling me I need to be patient!” and hoping that he’ll support me.

Which he always does. He always supports me… but I feel like I’ve never learned to support him. I was hoping Mother Ayahuasca would help me with that actually. Help me fix my distorted sense of love… and I thought she DID help… but now I’m not so sure.

Although ayahuasca finally made me start to trust myself and I now have Mother Aya’s positive voice within me, I feel that it’s almost reversed the progress that I’ve made in learning how to center myself. Prior to dating Eddy, I was full on manic, constantly hanging out with people all the time, running on empty but not giving a shit and making everyone happy with my bubbly energy. But then I crashed super hard and didn’t understand why, but Eddy helped me start to decode my past and figure out what was making me feel so depressed. Then last year when I got the bipolar diagnosis it all made sense… and being at the retreat, people were constantly praising me. Telling me I was more self aware than I thought. That I was such a great communicator, a great speaker. Part of why I went there was to work on my problem with seeking validation, and today it dawned on me that this problem has come right back with the confidence that Mother Aya has bestowed on me.

Fucking shit are you serious???? Did I seriously regress???

Ugh I even stupidly got back on Facebook because I was riding the retreat high so hard… wanting to “keep in contact” with the people I met there… but is it because I actually like them or because they remind me of the high of the retreat? That’s always the question right? Are these feelings valid or are they just representative of an addiction?

Lately I’ve been telling people that ayahuasca has stripped me of the armor that I’ve built up until this point… that I’ve molted and now I’m just bare to the world, and I have to work that shit up again. But I don’t WANT the same armor… I don’t WANT to be the same person… how do I change? How do I become the person I WANT to be? I thought I had the answers… I thought I underwent a rite of passage… finally stepping out of childhood into adulthood…into responsibility. But the only responsibility that I’ve been delving into is the responsibility over myself, which isn’t much of a change from before. In fact now it could possibly be worse because I’m not as hard on myself.

Although I feel pretty hard on myself at the moment. And worry so hard that Mother Aya will even leave me now because of the piece of shit I am.

This is always a struggle with me and Eddy. This balance of the time I give to others and the time I give to him and Han. I feel so terrible for him because he’s been so patient for so long, and always takes the time to try and talk me through these situations. I honestly don’t think anyone else WOULD have this type of patience with me… I’m seriously such a child. Bouncing from one extreme to the next, without being able to live the life in between. “Extreme” constituting all these new experiencing, prioritizing friends and acquaintances because by this point, Eddy and Han are such a normalcy in my life, an “extension of me” that for lack of a better term they’re more “boring.” Easier to treat like shit BECAUSE of that normalcy.

I’m so fucked up.

My priorities are so fucked up.

But how the hell am I supposed to fix something like this? I DON’T. FUCKING. KNOW.

Am I supposed to ask for help? WHO DO I EVEN ASK FOR HELP? WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW? Honestly… I’ve been TALKING for so goddamn long since I’ve gotten back, I’ve let more and more shit pile up, been more and more distracted at work… I thought my brain was less chaotic, less scattered… but I just seem to once again be on autopilot and fooling myself that it’s different.

I wanted to think I wasn’t actually bipolar. I wanted to believe Stace. I wanted to believe that “getting my soul back” would fix everything… but again that’s my “extreme” showing up. With the talk that me and Eddy just had… honestly the only conclusion I can come to is starting to take medicine. Hell, trying to get work done over break I have to admit I actually took some of his adderall (he’s got pretty bad ADHD), and even that adderall basically did nothing. I feel like my problems with focus are really fucking awful BECAUSE my issues with highs and lows are so extreme. Western diagnosis or not, I can’t deny I have pretty bad symptoms.

And now… I’m not gonna lie. I’m scared.

And lost.

I don’t know whether to ask for help or not.

I want so badly to message Stace. Or Drew. But that “need” for help just makes me more scared. Since I’ve come back and been reflecting on my journey… I’m disgusted looking back at my dependency on Drew. I hate even typing that here… in public… but I’ve been basically imploding with this pain of really starting to look at how dependent I am on others for whatever fleeting “happiness” I’m chasing. So much so that I’ve now been obsessing about how I acted at the retreat… focusing too much on the past. Which is probably distracting me with other things too. Godammit.

So how am I supposed to know when I need help, and how am I supposed to know when I’m being dependent?

DOES ANYONE HAVE THE RIGHT ANSWER HERE?!?!?!

I SOOOO lack any type of foundation in my life that I really… I’m not sure what to go back to since I feel like I’ve never really built anything WORTH going back to.

Eddy says I haven’t been centered since I’ve gotten back, and I said that I haven’t felt centered ever. He said it comes and goes in waves, which I guess I agree with, but it’s so hard for me to search my memory banks for a time when I WAS more stable. I thought I felt stable because of the ayahuasca, but seriously now… I feel as though it’s added an extra layer of distraction on top of who I was before.

Eddy says that me constantly saying “maybe I need to go back on my meds” is SUCH an excuse. And I know he’s right… but I really don’t know what else to do.

He said it’s a matter of being aware of my patterns when I enter mania, but I thought that people at the retreat told me I was already so self aware.

Clearly I’m not. Clearly whatever I’ve become aware of has ALSO been a distraction. I’m never aware of what’s ACTUALLY important. And rather constantly obsess on things that AREN’T. But always SOMEHOW justify it in my own head. WHICH IS WHY MY PRIORITIES ARE SOOOOO FUCKED UP.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO PRIORITIZE ANYTHING EVEN!??! WHEN YOU’RE CONSTANTLY SO OVERWHELMED BY THE THINGS TO DO AND THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE?!

I’m scared. I’m scared not only because I’m not sure about what to do about asking for help, but because I can really feel the crash coming on… and I feel like it’s gonna be bad. And even just me saying this is setting up a bad expectation to fall into a deep dark hole… and I really hope I can recover from this one.

Talking about patterns… although I still have difficulty recognizing when my mania hits… I feel that once I recognize that it’s here, the patterns for the crash start becoming really clear. This extreme negativity, this feeling of being the most terrible person in the world… this feeling that I absolutely can’t go to sleep because I need to do as much as I possibly can to try and reverse the damage. Or is that part of mania? Dude I don’t even FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE.

WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!

I feel like… I might be breaking right now. I think the smart thing would be to just go to sleep.

It just really gets to me how I have so much love in my life but I’m still such a selfish asshole who doesn’t quite understand how to return it to those who mean the most. And I worry that I’ll never learn how and I’ll never be able to actually show them how much they mean to me because of some dumb bullshit…

I should just be alone forever.

How Do You Reconcile The Duality of the Soul?

“We are each of us a wise guru in charge of a mental patient” – Jamie Catto

I’m not sure what to do right now… I feel very sick. It reminds me of being in the maloka listening to people retch and purge around me, except now I’m just so crushingly alone. On Christmas Fucking Eve.

And is being alone really so bad? (Also I know I’m not actually alone…just being a drama queen)

I mean I just snapped at Eddy when he asked me what I wanted to do for Christmas. “I WANNA BE FUCKING ALONE.” But do I? He looked so hurt when I said that and it made me feel awful. I’m such a walking contradiction that can never figure anything out… WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS DUALITY OF EXISTENCE SO. FUCKING. HARD??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT??!?!

I want to be alone, but at the same time I NEED people. NEED people to the point of fucking EMBARRASSMENT. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE ELORA. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?! DON’T YOU WANT TO JUST GO LIVE OUT IN THE JUNGLE SOMEWHERE AND LEARN TO FEND FOR YOURSELF?!?! No you don’t because you’re so fucking dependent on people for your happiness and you NEED someone to talk to, don’t you?

HOLIDAYS ARE SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!! I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO PEOPLE AND GO SEE PEOPLE LIKE… WTF WHY CAN’T I JUST BE ALONE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS??!?! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE CONSTANTLY PERFORMING FOR PEOPLE?!?! ALSO IF I LOVE THEM, WHY DO I FEEL THE PRESSURE IN THE FIRST PLACE? Why do I always feel like I OWE people everything? Why can’t we all just exist and I don’t have to feel GUILTY all the FUCKING time?!?!

I have a long ass list of things to do, but rather than doing them I get wrapped up in some fucking MELTDOWN and then the list gets longer and longer and longer and I feel like I’m DROWNING then just want to up and LEAVE IT ALL. But I’ve CHOSEN THIS LIFE and I know I would REGRET NOT DOING THESE THINGS and NO MATTER WHAT LIFE I CHOOSE I’ll still have to LIVE WITH THIS MONSTER INSIDE OF ME SO FUCK IT.

WHY DO I TAKE SO MANY PICTURES?!? Because I enjoy my experience so much and want to document them! But THEN WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM AFTERWARD!? NOTHING! SO NOW I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO GET THEM PRINTED AND PUT THEM IN ALBUMS AND GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE AS PRESENTS!! But it makes me PHYSICALLY ILL to think about organizing all these thousands of fucking things!!!

BECAUSE THE PRESSURE OF THE PICTURES AND GIFTS ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND I CAN’T GET MYSELF TO DRAW!! When I sit to draw, all I think about is this LONG LIST OF SHIT I NEED TO DO! Currently, because it’s the end of the year and also Christmas, I KNOW I need to focus on the thank you cards and organizing photos to print for people but I have all this fucking pent up anger inside me that if I were to go and do those things right now, they wouldn’t come out right and I would just have ANOTHER MELTDOWN because I have all this HORRIBLE ENERGY I NEED TO GET RID OF FIRST.

Am I just DOOMED and CURSED to have too much EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE that I can’t even FOCUS ON ANYTHING REAL AND PRODUCTIVE?!?! Is whatever this energy is inside of me something that will ALWAYS CONTROL ME??? No matter what I do and what I try?! I KNOW I SHOULDN’T ALLOW IT TO HAVE POWER OVER ME BUT IT FUCKING DOES.

It’s so fucking painful to want SO BADLY to just BE CONTENT but constantly be torn in two completely opposite directions of WANTING TO DO and NOT WANTING TO DO, WANTING TO BE ALONE and WANTING TO LOVE, WANTING TO RUN and WANTING TO FIGHT. HOW DO I EXIST IN THIS REALITY?!?! AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST SPEND HOURS EACH DAY VOMITING OUT MY SHIT SO I CAN BE AT SOME BASE LEVEL WHERE I CAN FUNCTION!?!? WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT REALLY???

Ha, yesterday Eddy mentioned that my mom had “done a number on me” with how I was raised. I guess I didn’t even realize till recently how insane I actually am, and how all these issues have manifested in ways that are so challenging I’m not even sure what to do with myself anymore.

I was diagnosed as bipolar this year, and when I went to do ayahuasca, I remember thinking “am I really bipolar?” I think these diagnoses really help us try to pin down what’s wrong with us based on certain traits we have. No matter what you call it… I think I’m starting to finally learn what I actually am. Or what about me at least got me the bipolar diagnosis. It’s amazing to think that people are constantly going to doctors about symptoms, but because they just want the pain to stop they take a pill and don’t do the work to actually try and get to know themselves.

I am so grateful to Ayahuasca for teaching me how to get to know myself, but at the same time… it’s really fucking scary to face… whatever this is I am. And SO fucking hard. “Bipolar” people are known to experience extreme highs and lows, and that’s definitely something I’ve always struggled with. Existing in the “gray area” between SUPER HIGH and SUPER LOW has always seemed impossible for me.. But it’s that “gray area” where life happens. I’m constantly guilty about not spending enough time with Eddy and our dog Han because I’m having a fucking breakdown… but I don’t know what else to do with this energy. Because if I DO go and spend that time… I feel guilty for not doing all these things I feel constant pressure to do! And then when I go and try and be rid of this energy by writing or whatever… I FEEL HORRIBLE THAT I’M NOT DOING THE OTHER THINGS!!!

This breathing technique that I recorded from Dreamglade is saving my life in the way that… I feel like I can get myself in a similar headspace as in ceremony, in order to work on things I need to work on, and even IDENTIFY things I need to work on. It’s so funny because I remember leaving the retreat feeling like I had all the tools I needed to succeed. They kept saying “the real work happens AFTER you take the ayahuasca and get back home” but I was in such a great place, like “psshhh I never need to go do Ayahuasca again! I’m completely healed!”

But that’s another one of those extremes talking. Each day I’ve been home… I see what they mean.

Doing the breathing exercise the past couple days, a LOT has come up… and I’ve become aware of JUST HOW MUCH WORK is to be done within myself… and it scares the shit out of me. There are so many layers to myself that I’m starting to become aware of and, like everything else in my life, it’s causing me overwhelm, but in a different way than having a long list of things to do.

I think actually, the overwhelm is what triggered this. Coming back to work I was all chill like “I don’t need to feel stress anymore because I completely trust myself to get everything done that I need to get done!!” But I barely got ANY work done during the week because I was TOO chill and now, along with the BILLION other things I need to do, I have to try and fit WORK on top of it during this holiday break so I can manage to meet my deadline in the first week of January.

I realize just how much I avoid things and procrastinate and let things PILE UP because I’m unable to focus on doing things when they’re SUPPOSED to be done…which I was aware of before, but I guess I was expecting myself to be able to handle it a bit better. I did just get my period so maybe I’m extra irrational because of hormones,  but I’m really trying hard to work through these things so I can at least be a bit productive.

That being said, today during breathing I immediately just burst into tears the WHOLE TIME, because I felt this INCREDIBLE POWER OF DUALITY BEING FORCED DOWN ON ME. Duality is something that Mother Aya makes you face in ceremony, but I have yet to even BEGIN to fathom how to use what I’ve learned in normal life.

BECAUSE the nature of ME is just SO FUCKING EXTREME. The duality within ME is SO HARD TO HANDLE. AND I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO START GOING ABOUT IT!

“Slow down, take your time”

“BREATHE”

“PATIENCE.”

Yeah yeah. All this shit that’s supposed to help me…YEAH I KNOW. WELL I DID JUST BREATHE AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

I felt this incredible power within me… almost like a monster. Well I DID call it a monster, but Mother Aya said I shouldn’t see it that way. That I should see it as a “power.” The first blog I made was called “Bipolar Beastie,” for good reason… I definitely always thought of the “bipolar” being a beast within me but… today was the first time I actually FELT it (which, although scary, was pretty nice. Another duality). Like something deep deep within my soul that needs to be tamed but is just… writhing around in there wreaking all sorts of havoc. And holy shit it made me NAUSEOUS to actually FEEL it. (This breathing exercise is powerful shit, I assure you.)

The word that kept coming up was “Hummingpup.” After I got back from the retreat, I wanted to create a new site focusing on healing, and about a year ago this “Hummingpup” kept coming up in my mind… I dunno why and part of me thought it sounded a bit dumb, but since I’ve gotten back this little voice kept saying I needed to actually use it for something.

It’s nice because today I just got some clarification on this, but it confused me even more. I definitely think the keyword in all of this is CONFUSION. And with such a lack of patience and conviction, I feel like I’m so shit outta luck in terms of knowing on to deal with all this chaos that keeps popping up in my head.

But anyway, Mother Aya explained to me what a “Hummingpup” is. THAT’S what the “monster” or “beastie” within me is. It’s like a hummingbird in the way that it moves SO PAINFULLY FAST because it thinks that’s the only way to survive. It’s so sad to me how hummingbirds can’t even SLEEP unless they go into a state of torpor, or “temporary hibernation.” It’s the only way for them to save their energy so they can GOGOGO again in the day… and it’s so fucking sad to me that this is basically the only way I’ve functioned too. It’s either I’m GOGOGOGO or in complete isolation (hibernation) where I can’t even bring myself to interact with anyone to conserve my energy for the next time I can GOGOGO again. Then it’s like a puppy in that it has ALL THIS CRAZY ENERGY THAT IT DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH and this lighthearted curiosity, innocence and love for the world… that’s kinda stamped out by the constant need for movement. It’s sad really 😦 All the “pup” wants to do is play, and all the “humming” wants to do is work… but there’s really no in between…at least none that I can currently see.

Eddy says I need to relax, and that he worries about my motivations for doing things because most of the time it seems like I’m doing something out of frustration. I’m not quite sure how to do something because I WANT to do it, if there’s always such a long list of things to do. I’ve been doing the grateful flow tool from the tools book as well… to try and help with this constant state of worry from the overwhelm, but even that didn’t help today. I KEPT DOING IT TOO and it didn’t really calm me down… only the breathing calmed me down because I was able to RELEASE and CRY but then… afterward I was a fucking wreck.

He says my comfort zone is wanting to GOGOGO… wanting to write and get out my energy, wanting to angrily clean or throw a tantrum… but how am I supposed to know when to RELEASE ENERGY or when to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE with it? How am I supposed to adequately identify my comfort zones?  I’m not sure what I’m doing right and what I’m doing wrong… which way is the right way to go… how to actually move forward even though I’ve been doing the pain exercise from that book… I’m so constantly overwhelmed I can’t tell what’s what anymore, and again I feel so crippled by reality. Am I supposed to take time each day to expend this energy? Breathing, running, yoga, writing, talking? It takes me a long ass time to get my words out because I have so goddamn many of them… and then once I write I have to go talk to Eddy about it, and then I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and can’t concentrate on anything else…what is the proper approach here?

Hummingbirds are weak and fragile because they never stop flying, and pups have boundless energy and need to be trained to even start to focus. WHAT HOPE DO I HAVE OF A FOCUSED LIFE WHERE I CAN BE PRODUCTIVE AND ALSO EXHIBIT UNLIMITED LOVE TO EVERYTHING AROUND ME?! Do I need to start taking meds again?! Do I need to do more ayahuasca?! Do I need to run away and live in the jungle again but this time never leave!? How much work do I need to do on myself before I can ACTUALLY start moving forward!? UGH.

I feel as though… Mother Ayahuasca has opened a door within me that I’m both intrigued by and afraid of, and I’m not sure what to do with what’s coming out of it. It’s almost like opening a Pandora’s Box…There are so many layers and I’m not sure how to come to terms with that… Meanwhile time just keeps slipping away and I feel like my life is going to waste…

Day 16: Mulan, Facebook, and Being a Late Bloomer

“…but look. This one is late. I’ll bet when it blooms it’ll be the most beautiful of all.” – Fa Zhou, Mulan’s dad

Geez I just realized that my last entry was over a week ago. I kept telling myself “I’m too tired, it’s too hot, I’ll write tomorrow” and tomorrow came and went… EIGHT TIMES!! Wow. I’m consistently blown away by the passage of time.

A lot has happened since the last entry which has taught me a lot, including watching Mulan, Han getting attacked in the eye by another dog at a 4th of July BBQ, getting back on Facebook after 2 years, having to deal with an insane heat wave, listening to a Steve Martin master class on comedy, the experience of going to the Comedy Store as one of our fav comedians’ guests, playing this game called Detroit: Become Human about androids gaining consciousness, and not being able to sleep last night. What a long run on sentence.

Mulan — late bloomer tendencies… realizing that its ok, and more and more coming to terms with everyone being on the same path. mulan is a great reminder of that. I’m not sure if it’s the changing times that has caused this, but I think watching movies is a different experience now since they’re so short compared to the longer streaming format which allows for a longer journey with the characters. Especially how the structure of these movies is, it’s very nostalgic in the sense that it’s formulaic, what I’m used to, and what I grew up with as a kid that taught me lessons back then. They feel like FABLES now, and I’m really paying attention to the lessons that they try to teach to children, and I feel teach subconsciously.

Mulan actually made me feel a LOT better about myself. Through this whole journey that I’ve gone on the past couple years I’ve realized that my childhood has stagnated my growth in a way that I have to learn to deal with in order to move forward with my life. I was very overprotected and didn’t get to be exposed to much. I grew up on TV, videogames, and amusement parks rather than learning how to socialize with other kids, play outside, and work as a team. My personality type longed for hands on experiences, but I focused instead on getting good grades and trophies. Learning about the myers briggs function stacks, I see that I was forced to function at my lower stack for the majority of my young life, so by the time I went out into the world I could ONLY be a late bloomer. But of course I could never see that, and not seeing just made the pattern continue until it all exploded in my face in my mid to late 20s.

Going back on Facebook has been a surprise, and not for the reason I was expecting. I thought I would never go back on facebook and continue this defiance, but at some point I realized that not going back on facebook was synonymous with continuing to run from my fears. I keep saying that this was an irrational fear, but I can totally rationalize it now. When I started being really active on fb, “collecting” friends, interacting with people and feeling like they cared about me… feeling POPULAR… I got addicted.

Looking back now too, I spread myself so thin and always tried to respond to everyone, to hang out with everyone, because I didn’t want to become “irrelevant.” Now knowing about my bipolar, I can look back and see that this was when I lived in a pretty manic state, for months at a time, maybe even like a year. EVERYONE knew me because I was constantly EVERYWHERE, at gallery shows, wrap parties, conventions… even though I wasn’t working in the industry, I was everywhere in the industry and I loved it. At least I thought I did. But of course that’s not sustainable, which is why being bipolar is so dangerous… I THOUGHT it was. Thinking back on it, I barely ever even slept working in Orange Country, taking classes in Pasadena, going to the Magic Castle all the time, doing homework and driving constantly to events from OC to LA.

I stupidly felt like it was my purpose to be bubbly, entertaining, and elevate other people to make them happy. I wanted to be everything for everyone…I wanted to make them feel loved and be loved in return, which resulted in a lot of pain, jealousy and feelings of worthlessness. After being sheltered for so long, the world was NEW. I wanted it all at once and I wanted it to want me back, but that’s such an unrealistic expectation to put on yourself and other people. The crash was REALLY hard. It took YEARS of depression and meeting a patient guy who could see the real me crying out for help to even get to the point I’m at now. Total Tiny Rick situation lol.

It’s like… suddenly the fog is clearing and I’m gaining all this clarity of my past. But the best part is, everything I’m encountering lately I feel is pointing me in the right direction. It’s validation that I’m on the path I need to be on… and that’s a great feeling. Synchronicity.

Anyway, the reason I’m surprised now getting back on FB is because I DON’T CARE as much as I thought I would. I thought I would easily fall back into my old patterns, but I guess I’ve done enough growing to where I don’t care about being irrelevant. I don’t feel the need to catch up with everyone all at once, or check up on people and feel left out because they’re doing stuff without me. It’s almost like a part of “ego death”… it’s my “social media ego death.” I feel… free O_O And it’s AMAZING! I’m finally learning how to adapt to this crazy society! (I think)

I thought I would be floundering around forever, never making any real changes in my life and I would die with a ton of regret, but surprisingly I can tell that I’m making actual progress by really becoming aware of my shifts of mindset. I recognize now that embracing the fact that I AM a late bloomer is liberating me from the shackles of the past and accepting that everything that came before this present moment makes me who I am, and who I am is a beautiful thing. The set of circumstances that have brought me here is a miracle, and I need to always remember that. If I wasn’t a “late bloomer” maybe I wouldn’t be as introspective, maybe I wouldn’t feel the world like how I’m beginning to feel it, and I definitely wouldn’t be surrounded by people that have taught me unconditional love.

I think I’m starting to come to terms with what it means to be alive… and that’s heavy shit for me.

So much more to talk about but I gotta go back to work for now! Couldn’t sleep last night so I’m running on manic energy and it feels so gooodddd! I never need coffee hehehee!

Day 14: Lion King Changed My Life Pt 1

“Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I.“ – Mufasa, The Lion King

I think I just discovered why the saying “this is the life” exists. I’m currently super baked, watching The Lion King with Eddy and sitting with a cute tired Han and being like “this is the best day. This is why life is worth living. If I could just always feel like this I’d be happy, but it’s ok if I don’t because just knowing that this exists should make me happy and accept the temporary-ness of life. THAT’S true happiness, and I can understand this concept because I believe I am currently witnessing what true happiness is. Life is so simple!!! It’s living totally in the moment with the most important people/pets in life bf doing something that makes you feel like you could last an eternity in THIS EXACT MOMENT. I believe this is what love truly is — an eternity. No wonder there are all those eternity rings!

There are two main topics I wanna get to for this entry but I dunno if I’ll get to them both. Why?

1. Because I’m at 3% on my phone and way too comfy on this couch to go charge it. I’m living on the edge folks! Typing with my fingers at the speed of light! Geez can you believe cell phones actually exist right now? Don’t things like this make you feel like you live in the future? But when you think about it, is it the future that was MARKETED to us?! Everything is marketed to us! America is SO EVIL but we can’t help but live here cuz we’re human! We are the villains of the world! Sigh. I don’t want things to be like that anymore 😦 Damn I went on a tangent.

2. The only reason I’m typing this is because Eddy is taking a shit so we’re taking a break from the lion king, and I don’t wanna fall asleep. Cuz I’m tired as fuck! We had such a tiring ass day but accomplished SOOOOO MUCH! Including getting wedding bands! Ugh I wish I took a pic of both our rings!! 😦 What a bummer I dunno why I didn’t think of it. Here I’ll post pics I have though lol and one of eddy wearing the darker ring (he ended up getting a tungsten one that looks like iron). We tried on so many rings today and it reminded me of trying on wedding dresses. Just cuz it’s pretty doesn’t mean it feels right! That’s a lesson huh?

Ok another tangent. Whoops! I really wanted this to be about the Lion King! Cuz damn rewatching this shit as an adult is AMAZINGGGG!!

I can’t possibly get into how this movie is making me feel. This bit here where Mufasa is “punishing” Simba and telling him that dad’s get scared too and basically showing simba his vulnerable side and really legitimately teaching something to his child, who up until that point has seen his dad as the ultimate hero, someone who has no fear, and isn’t an actually person (in this case Lion). Ugh and telling him he’ll always be with him and all the shit about the kings in the stars…GOD. I’d love to think that all our dead fathers are in the stars. Honestly I never thought my dad would die…I was so naive, till such a late age (27)!! What happened to me as an adult, Simba experience as a child in Lion King. Dude this bit shook me up so bad, I was crying up a storm. Han actually came up to comfort me too! His service dog training is working and he actually used it for the first time!! Having a dog is so great ;—;

THIS SCENE HERE THIS WRECKED ME!! REALLY LISTEN TO WHAT MUFASA IS SAYING! Gosh this especially hurts if you lost a dad…I used to WATCH this with my dad not realizing how lucky I was to still have a dad to watch it with…

But Seriously, Simba goes through SOOO MUCH SHIT!! Scar is THE ULTIMATE DISNEY VILLAIN honestly!!

Eddy is done shitting so here are some notes for future me:

talk about dictator scar, include video of be prepared. Nods to hitler and the nazis, the lyrics is like real life, a selfish bitter dude preying on the weak and feeble minded (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: too fucking tired to go into this so I’ll just put the video here instead. It’ll come back when watching I promise)

then link to when scar kills Mufasa (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: lol damn this has 1.6 MILLION views. Weird how the internet basically can show you society’s relevance of certain things in media)

and how he handles Simba at the end. Find a gif of Simba sliding down his legs and you can seein his eyes the guilt and fear of being led to believe he killed his own father. (NOTE FROM FUTURE ME: Wow you really can find mostly everything as a gif on the internet nowadays huh…I can’t believe this internet thing happened during my lifetime. What a beginning to be a part of. Almost like the onset of the printing press or the lightbulb. What is this doing to our minds?! Well I’ll tell you this, if I didn’t have a cell phone, I’d be sleeping right now HAHA)

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Then scar even tries to kill him after! Jesus leave the poor kid alone!

So many layers to this goddamn thing. Sucks they stole from Kimba though but what I realized is every story is a translation of another of another story! But Damn Disney you really should’ve just given Kimba credit! 😦 1% battery I live on the edge!

OMMGGG HAKUNA MATATA! Ok we are way too exhausted and need to go to sleep. So excited for the 2nd half of the movie!

LOL I was just looking up Mufasa quotes and I shouted “MANNNNN. Mufasa…” and Eddy did this

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Today was a great day 🙂 Good night!

(FUTURE ELORA SPEAKING: I came back to insert links now that Eddy is asleep and my phone was at 1% and moving so slow it basically FelT like it was at 1% but it was so amazing cuz as SOON as I plugged it in, it parked up and totally worked fine again!! Technology is amazing and scary. Batteries…amirite?

Also random thought — do you ever wonder how people view you from the outside? Like…how to not see yourself as yourself? It’s hard but I think I did it today. And from the outside, I guess I’m doing alright 🙂 It’s important to try and see our lives as other people would sometimes 🙂 I think it would always be better than what a lot of us somehow get stuck in thinking if we’re depressed or in a bad mood. I wanna make a future where I feel like THIS more of the time!)

oh wow another post entry note (almost wrote “post post”…would’ve been so stupid). I was looking for that Simba gif I called out earlier and found this interesting article, The Lion King and the Stages of Grief. (“For the Love of Stori s”…what a great name. Glad so many people recognize the importance of story!) This movie is therapeutic as shit. I’m telling you I can’t see it the same way ever again now that I’ve lost my own dad. Now it’s a healing movie.

One again, because the Lion King is such a masterpiece, I HAVE to call out the original source material, Kimba the White Lion. Everyone should know about this of course, but I believe Lion King is STILL a masterpiece. Yes it’s Kimba meets Hamlet but I believe that makes it the strongest Disney movie in terms of story. They succeeded in writing a great movie (albeit the STRONG influence from Kimba :|), crafting great characters, getting a great cast and having AMAZING animation, which translated these stories for a bigger audience. The craftsmanship put into this thing is really an amazing and beautiful magic trick which should be admired. However, credit where credit is due. So much of Lion King seems ripped from Kimba…I wish they just said something… what did they think? No one would ever find out?! What a bummer 😦

Day 12: How Can He Marry Me!?

“You have a lot of first world problems. You complain about wanting to travel more, or if people who already like you actually like you. Frankly I don’t think you should be complaining about all the small stuff” – Eddy Chow

Just had a hard talk with Eddy… and I feel so terrible. We’ve been together for almost 4 and a half years and for some reason a lot of stuff has been coming up lately. He mentioned how he feels like I’ve had a continuing resentment toward him… always envious or bitter about whatever he’s doing, when he’s never especially happy doing anything. But somehow I always think he is. Somehow this “grass is greener” mentality STILL hasn’t gone away. I feel like I’ve been doing SO MUCH to strengthen my mind, change myself for the better, etc… and SOMEHOW the person I love the most in the world has fallen by the wayside. I’m about to MARRY this person, and I can’t even take care of him. Instead I always wish he would take more care of ME, or think about MY feelings. Ugh it’s so disgusting to even just write that down. How am I still this selfish!?

Goddamn. What a thing to admit is actually true about yourself. Here I was thinking I was making all this progress, but suddenly the selfishness rears its ugly head. And apparently it’s been showing itself a while. How do I get rid of this monster? HOW AM I NOT AUTOMATICALLY THINKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS?!

This week has been rough, because along with all the wedding stuff, Eddy went back to work and we’ve both had to change our schedules. I’ve had to walk Han more during the day, wake up earlier and leave work earlier. I feel spread SOOOO thin this week and barely been getting sleep, so I really blew up last night after a massage. I guess a lot of negative energy I’d been harboring manifested in a stiff neck that took forever to make feel better. My shoulder still hurts where Jackie massaged out a gigantic, stubborn knot.

Ugh I always feel like I’m really starting to see from other people’s perspectives and care about others, but Eddy just opened my eyes to the fact that… no I’m not. In theory I am because I appreciate watching shows and reading books about it, but am I really walking the walk? I may seem like I am to other people but… apparently I’m not.

I didn’t even think about Eddy’s feelings about the whole situation. He brought up that I wasn’t thinking about Han’s either. He said this has been the hardest week of Han’s life…the equivalent of humans just out of school getting their ass kicked by reality, and for some reason I was still getting angry and complaining about my own shit. Poor Han really has been through a lot this week… being left at home alone for the longest he’s ever been.

And poor Eddy has never even really been separated from him since he was 8 weeks old. Although he always liked Han, it still took him a while to get used to the fact that he’s a different dog than Einstein, and I know that made him really sad for a while. But since then he’s become really attached to Han… being like… his dog mama. Working from home he was with him all the time, and apparently not being with Han has been weighing on Eddy’s heart a lot this week, but I didn’t even know.

I asked Eddy why he doesn’t complain about stuff, and gosh it hurt MY heart to hear that he assumes I would just know by now. And how, if I’m still acting envious of him I really don’t understand him as much as he thought I did. AFTER ALL THIS TIME ELORA REALLY!?!?!? I DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO MARRY HIM WTTTFF!!!!

I really hate my personality types sometimes… really in times like this it brings me solace to know that I’m a type 7/ENFP because I’m reminded that my mind isn’t broken, it just needs a little help (Eddy said that too.. so nice T_T). I’m naturally just so all over the place and noncommittal that it might not be a natural part of my DNA to understand how to truly care about people. I DO of course but…man maybe it was also being an only child that made me so self centered. I think I have gotten at least a little better over time but geez… this damage is taking a hard time to reverse, and it’s so upsetting to me that Eddy is feeling all of it.

I need to get my shit together… no I should stop saying that. That doesn’t mean shit. I DO need to start feeling truly empathetic rather than think of it in the hypothetical sense. And I ESPECIALLY need to start taking care of Eddy more. It makes me so sad that he doesn’t even wanna “bother me” with his feelings/problems because I’m always so goddamn busy with other shit that’s way less important. He told me today that his stomach has been hurting for days and he thinks he has an ulcer! And I’m like WTF WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING!? HE DIDN’T WANNA BOTHER ME!!! I ALSO need to stop caring so much about the surface stuff. Eddy says “you gotta stem the tide!” meaning… when I feel an emotion or get overwhelmed by these waves of thoughts, I need to learn to diffuse them by breaking it down into smaller thoughts that are a lot less overwhelming. HOW IS EDDY EVEN STILL WITH ME!??! Gosh I’m such a pain in the ass and lucky he’s so patient and has stuck around :\

God I can’t wait till this wedding is over. I’m really discovering a LOT that I need to work on ;___; Getting a puppy + wedding combo is really doing a number on me… but I DO feel like it’s forcing me to level up. I guess I’m just on the grind right now… but I believe it’ll get better. Just gotta stay positive and lear from my mistakes. Man this shit should be part of my vows.

HA! Just checked my email and this is super appropriate.

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Day 8/9: Memories

Didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because it was another kinda whirlwind of a day.. but a calm whirlwind. Eddy’s friend Jason was visiting from the bay area and it was an AMAZING experience to hang out with them. Eddy isn’t one to have too many friends, but Jason is special. They hadn’t seen each other in about 6 years, but Eddy invited him to be a groomsman in our wedding so Jason wanted to come down to see Eddy for the first time in a while and meet me. I was worried it would be awkward between them, but when I got back from Karen’s to hang out I was pleasantly surprised.

These guys have a lot of history together, and it was really cool for me to see Eddy act this way with someone else. Like a brother basically… it was super cute I’d never seen him that way before. Jason also exceeded my expectations, he was super cool and really open so it was easy to get to know him.

A weird thing was happening in my mind the whole time though. I think lately I’ve just been becoming more and more aware of the state of things, in terms of what my mind is doing but also what the world actually is. Hanging out with Karen and Jason this past weekend, I oddly started focusing on cycles in my head. Cycles of time… cycles of events, situations.. EVERYTHING. I think I’ve been processing the Joseph Campbell, Power of Myth series on Netflix for the past couple weeks, and it’s just now hitting me. Joseph Campbell talks about circles, and how everything is a circle and he proceeds to describe what are circles. Some examples being days, holidays, seasons, years, jobs, relationships… our entire LIFE is a circle.

I couldn’t help being very conscious of the fact that I was just visiting Karen, Jason was just visiting us, and that as fun as these interactions were they would eventually end. That then spiraled into me REALLY enjoying whenever Eddy and Jason would reminisce about something. Coupled with me and Jason talking about our journeys to self discovery, learning how to take control of our out of control inner landscape, and how hard it is to not give a shit what other people think of you… I feel like so much of life started to click for me.

Something I very much believe in is the power of story. When you sit back and think about it, that’s all each of us is… a story. That story is what we relay to other people, but it can never even be a full thing because we CHOOSE what to tell. And all of that comes from memory, which ends up being a very fickle thing. When old friends come together to recall memories it’s incredibly beautiful because those moments in their past could only happen due to a unique set of circumstances. Hearing how Eddy and Jason met, from JASON’S perspective blew my mind. I’d heard of him the entire 4.5 years we’ve been dating, and I always wondered what kind of person this guy would be if Eddy spoke so highly of him. But Jason speaks equally, if not more, highly of Eddy… and that made my heart burst. To hear the same stories Eddy would tell me from his perspective, I really saw the impact these 2 guys had on each other.

We only grow up once, and the people that end up being in our lives during that time is really all we get. It makes me so happy that these 2 guys found each other and had such a large impact on each other’s life. I used to spread myself so thin, meeting all these people, trying to get over all this dumb anxiety, that I didn’t really get to form a relationship like that with just one other person, and it’s truly a special thing. Even so, watching Eddy and Jason made me realize that I need to express gratitude more to the people in my life who HAVE been in it for a while. Who HAVE had an impact. Because really… these people who have been with us are there for a reason. Hell even Eddy and Jason’s story being a part of my life I feel happened for a reason!!! It reminds me how beautiful friendships can truly be… totally like a shounen anime/manga haha! I was literally living a dream of mine from childhood… witnessing the in depth friendship of two cool ass martial artists, one of whom I actually get to marry. It was TOO MUCH I felt like I was fangirl imploding the whole time over 2 characters that I made up in my head but were also real. Kinda like this, but way less creepy.

The more I think like this, the easier I feel it will be to get out of depressive episodes if I keep all of this in mind. Being aware of the importance of each little thing in our lives and being GRATEFUL for the pattern of life that has brought us to the unique experience that we’re living really makes it so that…. I dunno I feel like I have nothing to be sad about. All this is just an experience. Life is basically just one big amusement park that we can choose to see as such, taking every mundane thing and seeing it as a miracle. And I’ve decided I’m really happy with what my life is becoming and who I’ve ended up having in it 🙂 Somewhere along the line, I guess I started making good decisions for myself.

Even still, I spent so much time caring about what I look like, if my art is good enough, if people like me whatever… that I never stopped to think that regardless of any of that, people still talk to me. I have a past, with people who I’ve had important relationships and memories with, and I should alone be grateful for THAT. It doesn’t matter what I look like today, or if I stuck to my schedule last week… everything just comes to an end anyway and it’s really not that serious. All I can do is choose what kind of life experience I want today, and I need to embrace that and enjoy it way more than I have been. All the people around me are in my world for a reason, and everything familiar right now will become a distance memory someday so I might as well just have a good time in it while I can. Why is that so easy to forget?

Day 6/7: Overflowing With Gratitude

Yesterday was a blur and I thought I’d have time to write at the end of the night but I got so wasted and passed out! So this is technically an entry for yesterday (day 6), even though I’m writing today (day 7) and I’ll write another one tonight because I feel like this is just one of those like…really important weekends.

Anyway.

I feel like I’m literally overflowing with gratitude right now for so many reasons, and I wish I could remember this when things get rough…hopefully I do. But I guess that’s why it’s good to write these, right? Everything that happens in our lives is such a unique moment in time that we share with everything around us. It’s all connected and even THAT is worth appreciating. But yeah.

Yesterday I had to leave early to visit my, I call her my pseudo mom, Karen. Even though I had to leave early, it was Eddy’s last day before going back to work on Monday so I wanted him to bring Han by the office to meet my showrunner’s dog Kiwi, and also to see where I work and have lunch with me during the day before he goes back. Just the fact that my showrunner is so cool that she would urge me to bring our dog into work to meet her dog (dogs aren’t allowed btw) made me so grateful to work where I work ;_;

Working in animation really offers a flexibility that you don’t really see in other more “normal” jobs, and I think when I get into a dark headspace I fail to remember that. On my good days though, I’m able to step back and be like “Holy shit I made it. I’m here, this is where I’ve always wanted to be. I’m SO LUCKY.” Yesterday was one of those days.

It’s also SO dependent on the crew you find yourself on. Talking about this, I can’t help but remember the jobs I had where my supervisors didn’t understand me. Like working at the garden nursery in Newport Beach and being told not to bring dolls to work and also to dress nicer, or the retail shop in Yorba Linda where my supervisors turned my desk around so they could monitor what I was looking at on my computer. Working in animation, I feel like they understand that artists’ minds work differently and the flexibility accommodates for that. But even still…the current crew I’m on like…as long as we finish our work then basically anything goes.

It was so nice to see Eddy during the day. The more time goes on, the more I feel like he’s my rock. He grounds me and even if I’m feeling uncomfortable, everything changes when he’s around. He really is like the other half of me that is able to calm me down and make me remember that life is worth living. I wish we had done more lunches during the day because now it’s too late… the 6 months he had unemployed and we never did it once until the very last day. It taught me a lesson to seizethe day more. Carpe diem is a saying for a reason, and I think I’m just now really starting to feel it. It was so nice to take a break during the day and visit with Lynn’s dog, then go eat ribs in a park with Eddy and Han. I imagine that’s what heaven feels like…it really is a place on earth 🙂

Here’s a video of Han and Kiwi together! Kiwi is still just 3 months old so she’ll never be this small again! I wanna remember this ;_; I really wish more people could’ve seen Han while he was small. You really don’t know how quickly puppies grow until you have one 😦

Shortly after Eddy and Han left I had to leave work to visit Karen in Huntington Beach which is like a 2 hour drive in rush hour, but always totally worth it. She completely surprised me with an AMAZING wedding gift, even going to far as to make her boyfriend record her presentation of it to me for good reason.

Karen never fails to amaze me. I hate even saying it because she doesn’t like to think of age, but she’s about as old as my mom but chooses to see life as a gift, and so much more positively than anyone else I know. To me, she transcends age and gives me hope that if I work at it, I can someday be like her. I guess you could say she’s a mentor to me, but she’s way more than that even…you know it’s like one of those things where words aren’t good enough to describe her. I love her energy and how she chooses to live her life. Both her and her boyfriend Jay are an inspiration to me, and I’m beyond grateful to have them in my own life.

She just came back from going to like a billion countries in Europe for school (she went back to college for a degree in her 50s.) Jay was explaining that the whole time she kept telling him that she wanted to get me a present, but that it needs to be meaningful. She always thinks “well Elora is an artist, she would appreciate this” sorta thing. I’m very much not a materialistic person who likes things because they’re expensive or a certain brand. I love things that are different as sentimental, and Karen is that way too. Boy did she deliver.

She presented me with something called “legendary lace” from a small Island in Italy called Burano. She went to tour this lace factory which I can’t even really describe so here’s a link. But she told me they were saying that 7 women made the lace handkerchief she gave me, and only together could they have made it. The lace is so gorgeous and fragile and special, I got so choked up because I dunno…I feel like with her giving me this lace it’s the beginning of a family heirloom that I want to pass down. I’ve always loved the idea of tradition and meaningful items that are embued with the power of those who came before, and I really do feel like this is exactly that. I was excited to tell Amy about it, and she describes it as a magical quest item which it totally is! Karen says that in olden times, due to the importance of this lace for trade, the women making it were required to stay on the island and leaving would be punishable by imprisonment or death (it doesn’t say this online, I’m assuming it’s from the tour she did.) Obviously they don’t do that anymore, but in my mind there’s something magical about these ladies coming together to create something so delicate and beautiful.

On the way to Karen’s I was thinking about art and how essentially what it is, is an expression of those fleeting moments in time. It’s the attempt to grasp a feeling that’ll be gone in an instant. And to me, this lace that Karen gave is a representation of just that. When she got it, she didn’t even know I had 7 bridesmaids, but it was 7 maidens who made the lace. Coincidence? I think not. More like a reminder to cherish the important people in my life because they make me who I am.

After the glorious and beautiful bachelorette party my girls planned for me last month, Amy (maid of honor) had mentioned that working with them as a group made it clear to her how each one of them was a reflection of me. Years ago I was terrified I wouldn’t even have bridesmaids if I were ever to get married, cuz I never really had good girl friends until now. It’s shocking to me that somehow I have 7, and really I need to be more grateful to all these girls on a regular basis. Amy is right… Really thinking about it, anyone who knows me well enough can break down why each of those girls is in my life, and why I chose them as my bridesmaids.

We can’t share our full selves with anyone. Everything in life is so reactionary, and who we think to share moments with, only THEY can share that moment, no one else. Our friends, everyone we interact with really, sees totally different and unique parts of us. And the friends we choose to keep around and continue to interact with, over time collect fragments of our souls and hold onto them like no one else can. The people important to us will always hold a part of our hearts that no one else can ever have… and I feel like that’s what this lace represents. 7 maidens make a whole. And even better, these lace makers are all women who would pass their knowledge down from mother to daughter. I can’t wait to use it on my wedding day cuz I’ll be bawling like crazy, but using it will basically be like I have my 7 bridesmaids and Karen there as a shoulder to cry on (in the form of lace handkerchief lol.)

Here’s the lace and Karen’s poem that she wrote to accompany it 😀

Last night was amazing. Karen and Jay took me out to a great dinner and dancing afterwards. Something amazing about Karen is she lives life with no regrets, and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of her. We were dancing like fools (way more than anyone else in the bar) but just being with her gave me the energy and courage to also not give a shit, something I wish I could take back to my normal life. And I can! Who’s stopping me really?

I just need to make more of an effort when those irrational moments of fear or self consciousness set in — What Would Karen Do? 🙂