Move Out the Energy

It’s dawning on me more and more that when I let my moods get the best of me, it means that I have a lot of pent up energy that ends up exploding in some kind of episode. I’ve begun this morning ritual of sadhana, and even though it’s only day 5 I can feel an immense change, and every morning I have some sort of revelation on my internal state. Today I even ran with my dog afterwards! I accomplished so much already and it’s not even 9am! People always say that for those of us with bipolar, STRUCTURE and a CONSISTENT SCHEDULE are the most important thing, and I’m beginning to see why. Sadhana forces me into that schedule, and it helps because there’s about like 10 or so people who join in every single day! I’ve tried group exercises classes, group texts where we AGREE to do something… but nothing has ever worked. I severely underestimated the power of the RIGHT community, and I’m so glad I’ve finally found mine! To know that all these people are committed to improving their lives because they too struggle with life in similar ways to me is really inspiring, and makes me want to keep this up… not because I’m afraid of DISAPPOINTING people (as was always the motivation before), but because I love feeling a part of this group of light bringers 🙂

It also really helps doing it first thing in the morning, so that I release a ton of energy BEFORE going into work. MENTAL energy. So much gets stuck in my mind that to have an outlet for that is monumental! Meditation is seriously… no joke. Now that I’m doing the work, I see that THIS ENERGY that I’m now getting rid of every morning is what later turns into depression or mania, and THIS is MY method of stabilizing myself so that my mood doesn’t flip later in the day, like it did so often before especially during the workday. I’m just so happy to feel like I’m finally on the right track and that I seem to have found something that WORKS. Just gotta remind myself to NOT STOP even when things go bad, because this is life and it’s inevitable. Accepting that it won’t always feel this good forever… but really enjoying the stability 🙂

Nurturing Issues

I find that Kundalini Yoga more than anything else is helping me learn to stabilize myself. The owner of the studio says that our minds are so busy that the yoga is designed to tire out the mind in order for us to be able to meditate. Especially for those of us with bipolar minds, they’re constantly going going going and it feels like there’s no hope of silencing it at ALL. But no matter how shitty I feel, how fast those thoughts are going, Kundalini Yoga ALWAYS makes me feel better, and I walk out having some sort of revelation about what my thoughts are trying to tell me. Tonight it was about NURTURING.

I realized that since I’m always bouncing back and forth between the extremes of depression and mania, it’s been difficult to form any type of self care routine. I used to think this was primarily a discipline issue, but I feel like discipline can only come if you can sustain the motivation to follow a routine. What am I saying?! Isn’t the point of discipline supposed to be that it happens even when you’re NOT motivated? In any case, struggling with extremes makes it seem IMPOSSIBLE. When I’m manic, I feel like I can do ANYTHING. Like run a ton of miles, lift a buncha weights, go to yoga, draw, go out to lunch or dinner with EVERYONE… all in the same day on like, an hour of sleep. I always get excited and tell myself that I’m building all these great habits and that it’ll be easy, but the routine ultimately ends up being completely unsustainable because it’s set up during my manic high where I feel like I can actually accomplish things. Then when I fail to do all those things and crash, I have even LESS motivation to take care of myself due to all the self hatred of being unable to follow the routine. It’s been like this for YEARS, and I KNOW that I do it, yet I haven’t found a solution… the mania is always so strong that I haven’t figured out how to create realistic goals, and the depression hits so hard that it makes it nearly impossible to recover before my next manic phase comes along.

Today in yoga we did a set called the “Foundation for Infinity,” and were told that it’s when we’re in that flow state where everything seems to be going right, that we’re flowing with infinity. It’s within infinity that anything is possible, and you can only feel it when your mind is at peace. This is why it’s so important to tire out the mind in order to be able to meditate and experience that this is actually possible! After our set we did this meditation to the chant of “Hur Hur Mukanday” which is a mantra for releasing blocks so we’ll be able to nurture the seeds that we sow in order to manifest what we want. During this meditation I saw a child version of myself with a watering can, watering seeds that had just been planted then sitting patiently waiting for them to grow. Then that child turned into me, now as an adult, getting FRUSTRATED that they weren’t growing quick enough, and throwing a fit over it. Then I felt like a seed of light was beginning to sprout at my chest, and immediately it got stomped down by this dark energy within me, before it even had a chance to grow.

This is what I’ve been doing to myself my ENTIRE LIFE, and to visualize it in such a way… I felt like I was punched in the gut. Patience and nurturing are clearly something I need to work on. I instantly thought “If I can’t take care of myself, how will I be able to take care of a kid someday?” And also, I’m 30 years old… I should be able to know how to take care of myself by now. I also thought about my husband… So often I’m stuck in my own thoughts or self hatred that I don’t pay attention to his needs. He’s even TOLD me this multiple times, yet I haven’t gotten much better at it because I’m still so wrapped up in MYSELF. Thankfully he’s really understanding and knows this is difficult for me, but it makes me feel terrible and selfish, always like “HOW AM I STILL NOT ABLE TO DO THIS?!”

Normally all this would’ve bummed me out, but after the meditation I felt a really strong resolve to start taking this more seriously one small step at a time, because really… that’s all we can do. The dwelling HAS to stop. The unrealistic goals have to STOP. The self hatred has to STOP. But none of it is going to happen overnight… which is where the nurturing comes in. All of these things are just seeds that need to be watered… and I have to actually ALLOW them to grow rather than stomping on them before they can even turn into something. And maybe that’s something that this inner beastie is trying to tell me.