Confessions From Quarantine 02

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I just have to say… I’m really grateful for being on the path that I’m on during this crazy time. I feel like I’ve made such immense progress as a person over these past 10 years and it blows me away how I am where I am right now. I would NOT be able to handle it as well otherwise…

Seriously… going to meet Mother Ayahuasca broke me open in ways I’m just beginning to feel and understand. Moving forward as a species, we have to all be able to connect with nature in a similar way as taking ayahuasca… She has a way of making you feel it.. feel it ALL…that warmth of connected oneness with the universe. And we’ve done so much to damage her so now we’re paying the price…

I watched this pandemic series on netflix and in one of the episodes a student asks this virologist “Why do you think humans haven’t evolved to take care of this virus yet?” and he replies something like “That’s the question isn’t it…” But to me it really does seem something like… this is just part of the cycle. As humans we have to collectively learn how to handle the pain of the consequences of history if we’re meant to move forward once this quarantine is complete.

And what kinda person will you be then?

Tuning In

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Mood: 🙂

Had this conversation with Eddy yesterday and was so amused by his answer haha! His introversion never fails to amuse me xD

I think about this sometimes… that idea of how you basically are like a mix of your 5 closest friends or something like that. Who you choose to have in your life is SO important because their stories are literally what you’re tuning into on a regular basis, and whatever repetition we have gets lodged so deeply in our brain we don’t even realize it. It’s time to start questioning what kinds of people we want to become, and who we have in our life plays a big role in that. If their values don’t match yours, then let them find their own tribe, and you find yours. It’s really tough to “break up” with friends, but it’s usually for the better…  This has been so instrumental in my healing I can’t even imagine where I’d be without the people I have around now. And I’m SO invested in their stories it makes me feel like my own life is richer for it!! 😀

Sometimes though when I get in a bad place I feel bad about the people choosing to tune in to ME. Like “Am I just the crazy girl?” With my yoga group, when I left and they had to look for me I thought “Am I just the runaway?” Clearly we’re more complex than archetypal labels, but I think they’re helpful tools to step back and see what we’re consciously and subconsciously portraying to the world around us. If it doesn’t match what we wanna be in our head… it’s time to start moving toward that. That’s what I’m beginning to do now and it’s been an interesting experience 🙂

How I Became A Warrior

HOW I BECAME A WARRIOR

Once, I ran from fear
so fear controlled me.
Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.
Listen to it, but not give in.
Honour it, but not worship it.
Fear could not stop me anymore.
I walked with courage into the storm.
I still have fear,
but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.
I invited shame into my heart.
I let it burn.
It told me, “I am only trying
to protect your vulnerability”.
I thanked shame dearly,
and stepped into life anyway,
unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness
buried deep inside.
I invited it to come out and play.
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.
And I found joy right there.
Right at the core of my sorrow.
It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.
A mind that wouldn’t stop.
Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.
So I stopped trying to silence them.
And I dropped out of the mind,
and into the Earth.
Into the mud.
Where I was held strong
like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.
I called anger into the light of myself.
I felt its shocking power.
I let my heart pound and my blood boil.
Listened to it, finally.
And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”.
“Speak your truth with passion!”.
“Say no when you mean no!”.
“Walk your path with courage!”.
“Let no one speak for you!”
Anger became an honest friend.
A truthful guide.
A beautiful WILD child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.
I tried to distract and numb myself.
Ran to people and places and things.
Even pretended I was “happy”.
But soon I could not run anymore.
And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.
And I died and was reborn
into an exquisite solitude and stillness.
That connected me to all things.
So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.
My heart One with all other hearts.

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,
and they all have a home in me,
and they all belong and have dignity.
I am sensitive, soft, fragile,
my arms wrapped around all my inner children.
And in my sensitivity, power.
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,
in what I had named “darkness”,
I found a blazing Light
that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior
when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

Author: Jeff Foster (www.lifewithoutacentre.com)

Note To Future Self – Things That Help

Mood: 🙂

I woke up this morning not remembering my specific dreams, but with the word “PARTICIPATE” repeating in my head. I’ve been so on and off with participating my whole adult life — makes sense with so many ups and downs — but I feel like it’s time for me to engage with the world in the way I’ve always been meant to.

But I know it won’t be easy, and I have to be more vigilant about my patterns. I went running with Han in the park this morning, the weather is beautiful! And it made me think it would be nice to write down a list of what makes me feel better. A note to my future self — when it gets bad, do one of these things. 

  • Go to the park – meditate, read, nap, whatever. It’s the closest nature to you!
    Remember that, according to a study by the UK government (read about it here), it’s essential to our health to be in nature at least 2 hours a week. 
  • Go for a run
  • Play the ukulele
  • Listen to mantra
  • Listen to Laboratorium Piesni
  • Sound healing – shamanic drum, steel tongue drum, singing bowl
  • Play a videogame (Remember, play is important!)
  • Play with Han – Run around in the house with him a bit
  • Read (something fun)
  • Meditate — Kirtan Kriya is one that always makes you feel better
  • Journal

I wanna keep this list short and sweet. Remember this is medicine for your soul. Take this shit seriously so you can function in the world.

To make it even easier for you, here are links!

Laboratorium Piesni
Close your eyes and connect with your soul…


Mantra
Chattr Chakkr Varti – The mantra for change – It removes feeling of anxiety, depression and phobias, leaving in its place courage and victory. 

Meditate
Sa Ta Na Ma – Studies have shown that doing this meditation increases brain activity, eases depression and mood swings, balances right and left brain, improves memory function and more! Click here to read about it and here for instructions on how to do it if you’re interested 🙂 It looks like a lot, but if you just turn on this song, close your eyes and move your fingers along, you get into the swing of it real fast. 

SAA: Infinity, cosmos, beginning
TAA: Life, existence
NAA: Death, change, transformation
MAA: Rebirth

Loved my Yoga With Adriene practice today, so linking that too for good measure!

Remember, “where attention goes, energy flows.”

Move Out the Energy

It’s dawning on me more and more that when I let my moods get the best of me, it means that I have a lot of pent up energy that ends up exploding in some kind of episode. I’ve begun this morning ritual of sadhana, and even though it’s only day 5 I can feel an immense change, and every morning I have some sort of revelation on my internal state. Today I even ran with my dog afterwards! I accomplished so much already and it’s not even 9am! People always say that for those of us with bipolar, STRUCTURE and a CONSISTENT SCHEDULE are the most important thing, and I’m beginning to see why. Sadhana forces me into that schedule, and it helps because there’s about like 10 or so people who join in every single day! I’ve tried group exercises classes, group texts where we AGREE to do something… but nothing has ever worked. I severely underestimated the power of the RIGHT community, and I’m so glad I’ve finally found mine! To know that all these people are committed to improving their lives because they too struggle with life in similar ways to me is really inspiring, and makes me want to keep this up… not because I’m afraid of DISAPPOINTING people (as was always the motivation before), but because I love feeling a part of this group of light bringers 🙂

It also really helps doing it first thing in the morning, so that I release a ton of energy BEFORE going into work. MENTAL energy. So much gets stuck in my mind that to have an outlet for that is monumental! Meditation is seriously… no joke. Now that I’m doing the work, I see that THIS ENERGY that I’m now getting rid of every morning is what later turns into depression or mania, and THIS is MY method of stabilizing myself so that my mood doesn’t flip later in the day, like it did so often before especially during the workday. I’m just so happy to feel like I’m finally on the right track and that I seem to have found something that WORKS. Just gotta remind myself to NOT STOP even when things go bad, because this is life and it’s inevitable. Accepting that it won’t always feel this good forever… but really enjoying the stability 🙂