Bipolar Playlist + Resilience Course

Last week I prematurely went back on Instagram and talked to way too many people which sent me into mania. Sleep schedule got fucked, lost my voice, got really sick, feel like I’m backsliding. I’ve never been able to handle the internet and I keep fooling myself into thinking I can.

Now I can’t find my phone and Eddy won’t let me know if he took it or not and I need it tomorrow for this class I’m gonna be helping facilitate. Now I’m hyperfixating because I don’t know if he has it or not and he keeps giving me cryptic answers. I can feel my energy going toward all this hatred and tension that really is absolutely pointless. He says I’m like a crack addict. Fuck technology. Seriously. As I sit here and write a blog post. Lol it really does suck to be a human in this modern age… contradictions everywhere…

This playlist helps. Lol it really is a convoluted mess of different types of songs, so it’s quite a journey to set it to shuffle and experience the roller coaster of clashing music. It’s such a great representation of my moods it always makes me laugh out loud.

SIDE NOTE: I meant to post about this earlier but lost track of time! I’m gonna be helping facilitate this Resilient: Women, Money and Soul class at Shakti Feminine University starting TOMORROW at 9am PST/ 12pm EST. If you’re interested, there’s still time to register here!!

Last month I took their Cultivating Currencies course and it seriously changed my life, helping me shift my values, examine money and scarcity stories programmed into me by society and ancestry, and cultivate the feeling of “enoughness” in a culture that teaches us we’re never enough. This will be a deeper dive into those concepts, offering tools to take back personal power while in sacred space with women 🙂 Women’s circles have seriously been the most beneficial thing to my mental health these past 2 years… I find that I learn the most when connecting to others and hearing their stories. It’s always such a great reminder that everyone is always going through such similar things and that none of us are ever alone.

Here’s a drawing I did during that class to represent how I was feeling about money at the time.

I call it “Hungry Ghost” because… that’s what America has taught us to be. Nothing is ever enough… we’re constantly marketed to, told that we’re broken and we need to buy something to fix ourselves. But really, we already have everything we need! It’s really great to have found this school and these classes geared toward reversing that deep programming ;_; If any of this resonates with you, click here for more info!

I had such a profound experience in the class that they offered me a the facilitator role of “Tech Queen” for this Resilience course 😀 I am BEYOND excited because all of this is seems to be divine timing!

Why am I here again? Oh yeah I was complaining about technology and here I am being tech queen for this class xD See? Contradictions everywhere. Definitely feel better now though 🙂 It can be so simple! Learning more and more about what I need for self care everyday.

Day 16: Mulan, Facebook, and Being a Late Bloomer

“…but look. This one is late. I’ll bet when it blooms it’ll be the most beautiful of all.” – Fa Zhou, Mulan’s dad

Geez I just realized that my last entry was over a week ago. I kept telling myself “I’m too tired, it’s too hot, I’ll write tomorrow” and tomorrow came and went… EIGHT TIMES!! Wow. I’m consistently blown away by the passage of time.

A lot has happened since the last entry which has taught me a lot, including watching Mulan, Han getting attacked in the eye by another dog at a 4th of July BBQ, getting back on Facebook after 2 years, having to deal with an insane heat wave, listening to a Steve Martin master class on comedy, the experience of going to the Comedy Store as one of our fav comedians’ guests, playing this game called Detroit: Become Human about androids gaining consciousness, and not being able to sleep last night. What a long run on sentence.

Mulan — late bloomer tendencies… realizing that its ok, and more and more coming to terms with everyone being on the same path. mulan is a great reminder of that. I’m not sure if it’s the changing times that has caused this, but I think watching movies is a different experience now since they’re so short compared to the longer streaming format which allows for a longer journey with the characters. Especially how the structure of these movies is, it’s very nostalgic in the sense that it’s formulaic, what I’m used to, and what I grew up with as a kid that taught me lessons back then. They feel like FABLES now, and I’m really paying attention to the lessons that they try to teach to children, and I feel teach subconsciously.

Mulan actually made me feel a LOT better about myself. Through this whole journey that I’ve gone on the past couple years I’ve realized that my childhood has stagnated my growth in a way that I have to learn to deal with in order to move forward with my life. I was very overprotected and didn’t get to be exposed to much. I grew up on TV, videogames, and amusement parks rather than learning how to socialize with other kids, play outside, and work as a team. My personality type longed for hands on experiences, but I focused instead on getting good grades and trophies. Learning about the myers briggs function stacks, I see that I was forced to function at my lower stack for the majority of my young life, so by the time I went out into the world I could ONLY be a late bloomer. But of course I could never see that, and not seeing just made the pattern continue until it all exploded in my face in my mid to late 20s.

Going back on Facebook has been a surprise, and not for the reason I was expecting. I thought I would never go back on facebook and continue this defiance, but at some point I realized that not going back on facebook was synonymous with continuing to run from my fears. I keep saying that this was an irrational fear, but I can totally rationalize it now. When I started being really active on fb, “collecting” friends, interacting with people and feeling like they cared about me… feeling POPULAR… I got addicted.

Looking back now too, I spread myself so thin and always tried to respond to everyone, to hang out with everyone, because I didn’t want to become “irrelevant.” Now knowing about my bipolar, I can look back and see that this was when I lived in a pretty manic state, for months at a time, maybe even like a year. EVERYONE knew me because I was constantly EVERYWHERE, at gallery shows, wrap parties, conventions… even though I wasn’t working in the industry, I was everywhere in the industry and I loved it. At least I thought I did. But of course that’s not sustainable, which is why being bipolar is so dangerous… I THOUGHT it was. Thinking back on it, I barely ever even slept working in Orange Country, taking classes in Pasadena, going to the Magic Castle all the time, doing homework and driving constantly to events from OC to LA.

I stupidly felt like it was my purpose to be bubbly, entertaining, and elevate other people to make them happy. I wanted to be everything for everyone…I wanted to make them feel loved and be loved in return, which resulted in a lot of pain, jealousy and feelings of worthlessness. After being sheltered for so long, the world was NEW. I wanted it all at once and I wanted it to want me back, but that’s such an unrealistic expectation to put on yourself and other people. The crash was REALLY hard. It took YEARS of depression and meeting a patient guy who could see the real me crying out for help to even get to the point I’m at now. Total Tiny Rick situation lol.

It’s like… suddenly the fog is clearing and I’m gaining all this clarity of my past. But the best part is, everything I’m encountering lately I feel is pointing me in the right direction. It’s validation that I’m on the path I need to be on… and that’s a great feeling. Synchronicity.

Anyway, the reason I’m surprised now getting back on FB is because I DON’T CARE as much as I thought I would. I thought I would easily fall back into my old patterns, but I guess I’ve done enough growing to where I don’t care about being irrelevant. I don’t feel the need to catch up with everyone all at once, or check up on people and feel left out because they’re doing stuff without me. It’s almost like a part of “ego death”… it’s my “social media ego death.” I feel… free O_O And it’s AMAZING! I’m finally learning how to adapt to this crazy society! (I think)

I thought I would be floundering around forever, never making any real changes in my life and I would die with a ton of regret, but surprisingly I can tell that I’m making actual progress by really becoming aware of my shifts of mindset. I recognize now that embracing the fact that I AM a late bloomer is liberating me from the shackles of the past and accepting that everything that came before this present moment makes me who I am, and who I am is a beautiful thing. The set of circumstances that have brought me here is a miracle, and I need to always remember that. If I wasn’t a “late bloomer” maybe I wouldn’t be as introspective, maybe I wouldn’t feel the world like how I’m beginning to feel it, and I definitely wouldn’t be surrounded by people that have taught me unconditional love.

I think I’m starting to come to terms with what it means to be alive… and that’s heavy shit for me.

So much more to talk about but I gotta go back to work for now! Couldn’t sleep last night so I’m running on manic energy and it feels so gooodddd! I never need coffee hehehee!