This made me so sad because it’s the closest way to describing how I feel that I’ve ever read…and it’s terrifying and upsetting and I’m just so bummed that this is the reality of my life. I guess I haven’t fully accepted it… Not sure what to do.
I’m convinced there’s something in my head that’s trying to kill me. It’s like a creepy vampire bat that hides in the corners of my psyche, smiling. Waiting for me to feel shitty enough, hopeless enough, to swoop down and whisper in my ear.
“Do it. Your life has no value. You’re so selfish. You do this to yourself. He’s better off without you. They all are. What are you even doing with your life? You’re just taking up space meant for someone more important.”
Every time I think I’m making progress, I get knocked on my ass again…Maybe it’s because I got vaccinated today but it’s especially bad…I just really feel like there’s no hope for me… It’s all so exhausting. Staying alive. At what point do I recognize that I’m beyond saving? I feel like I’m there now.
It’s been a shocking realization the past couple days of how much I don’t value myself or my own life, which then bleeds into the lives of my husband and my family. For some reason, I seek validation only from new people, because they don’t know how fucked up I am. How am I supposed to live this way? Like my value only exists in relation to people I barely even know? It’s such a hollow existence.
I don’t take myself seriously because it’s difficult to sustain connection with my center, and my true goals and aspirations. I instead keep taking in the goals and dreams of others, stacking more and more on top of me because I’m so desperate to feel like I’m doing something useful, so I don’t feel as worthless. But that worthlessness is always there, and whenever I pause and take a breath, I’m reminded why it’s so hard to be alone with my thoughts.
I’m really sick of this. Every time I feel like things have gotten better, I turn around and suddenly it’s worse than it’s ever been. This selective memory is really fucked up. Like all the positive parts of my mind have straight up disappeared and everything just feels so hopeless. I’m so tired of fighting…
So I’m off my meds again. It’s funny because I went to my psychiatrist 2 days ago and we were talking about awareness of symptoms, and she mentioned how difficult bipolar is to diagnose, and how it’s often MISdiagnosed. And how basically everything like diagnosis and treatment is really all up to anyone’s best guess. I’ve read things like that before too… about how people aren’t even SURE how pharmaceuticals ACTUALLY work… and I think hearing my psychiatrist express doubts like that made me subconsciously forget to take my meds. I was already thinking about it though, because in yoga they were talking about how it’s better to know yourself without any altering substances to be a yoga teacher. And I agree with that. Although my meds weren’t making me feel “numb” all the time, sometimes I would feel numb and wonder if it was the meds or me. It’s an interesting battle… how do you find yourself? Between symptoms of depression and mania, or between how you are on meds vs how you aren’t on meds? I suppose I fell into the thought process of “well, I wonder what I’m actually like now if I don’t have meds, because I’ve been feeling so stable with the yoga.” It bothers me how I can’t tell what’s actually working, the meds or the yoga? And since I’ve started work I’ve been feeling a strange emptiness yet calmness… and I suppose I’m just curious to try this experiment with myself. In the end, I would rather NOT be on anything because really…who am I? I would like to know.
All that aside, today some dark familiar thoughts of inadequacy crept in but I managed to stave them off. It truly dawned on me that THINKING too much about just how inadequate I think I am is such a time waster, and really won’t get the work done. I feel like I’m becoming more of a professional. Everyone at work seems so put together…and I know that’s just on the outside, but I definitely feel like I entered this zone of “well adjusted human artists working together” and couldn’t help feeling a bit like a phony. I think I’m holding it together pretty well though… initiating interactions with people in moments I would used to feel awkward, not having crippling anxiety, not dwelling on specific things I said. But weirdly… I feel so strange. Hence the getting off the meds thing. I’m really not quite sure what to think, or maybe I should just stop thinking? Maybe this “not thinking” business is actually a symptom of LEARNING TO BE IN THE PRESENT?!
I hate though that “feeling behind” is starting to creep in again. I can’t help but think of what Leah said, about how she can tell my bipolar is preventing me from flourishing and reaching my true potential, and that it should be my top priority to keep it in check. But that involves seeing what works… and I’m starting to see too how constantly thinking about it, or wondering what’s up with it, is taking my attention away from other things. Like, things I could like perhaps. I definitely like “things” but I can also tell how my obsession with figuring out what’s wrong with me, or stabilizing my symptoms trumps all else and ultimately makes me feel like I pursue things less for “fun” and more for “function” which kinda bums me out 😦 It really does feel like a curse…
I’m not even sure what I was trying to say this post. This is just the ramblings of the day… I suppose that’s what these always are but especially today I feel like things are just not fully formed and I’m in some kind of a daze…
Since I’ve last blogged on here, I got myself a “Sacred Storytelling Priestess,” basically a Life Coach who also does Sacred Storytelling (her name is Leah Lamb and she is AWESOME). She’s helped me out more than any therapist ever has because we’ve been working on learning how to harness my creativity. Since our journey began together back in April, we’ve been adding some structure into my life, developing better habits, and building my voice. Even though I’ve been making great strides, so much of the time it doesn’t feel that way. I’ve had to get back on medication (60mg of Latuda) in order to function enough to be productive in any capacity, and sometimes, like a couple days ago, I still have earth shattering episodes where I feel like I can’t possibly come out alive.
But I always do. I’m still here, and I’m gonna keep fighting.
During said episode, I finally feel like my bipolar showed itself to me, in a physical manifestation. I started this blog a while ago thinking of the bipolar as a creature of darkness, but until now haven’t been able to visualize it in any capacity… and I think that part of me was afraid to. But it was something Leah had mentioned a couple times since we started meeting, how I need to put a face to this thing. Well… now that I have, I have big plans, and part of it is bringing life back to this here blog.
I started Bipolar Beastie to document my journey being off medication. I’ve learned a lot since then, part of which is that I’m currently too unstable NOT to take medication. I found that last time I tried taking it, my doctor put me on too high a dose too quickly. This time, I don’t feel numbed out… I feel more of a calm, and it helps me get sleep. It gives me a clear enough head more of the time to figure out better ways to function, like through yoga, meditation, or creative expression like art. When I wasn’t on the medication, I was overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions ALL THE TIME, and although I was trying a lot of things, I was spending ALL MY TIME just trying to cope and keep my head above water, rather than realizing what actually helps and how. Being on the meds and figuring stuff out, I’ve been able to build more awareness to begin to discover who I actually am in the in between… even though that “in between” feels very rare… When you’re being flung around so often by the depression and mania (I’m very much a rapid cycler), it’s tough to see who YOU actually are.
That being said, I have a project I’m working on, and I’m going to now be using this blog to explore it. Leah suggested writing one paragraph a day about what I’m learning from the bipolar, and allow it to be organic. Some days it might be a paragraph, other days a doodle or a poem… we’ll see what happens. The important part is that I’m actively engaging with this thing, and that I’m sharing what comes of it… something I’ve been afraid of doing for a really long time for some reason. When it comes down to it, I want this blog to be a place of discovery… somewhere I can say whatever I want, however I want and share things I would never be willing to share anywhere else. I’m really going to make this a home for my emotions and my creativity… a place where I can feel safe to grow. That’s something I’ve always wanted 🙂
Yay for new life chapters!
I wonder how I’ll make it through life without actually killing myself. I’ve learned so much from about how to move through pain and still the pain of living through this bullshit is just too great…I am so tired of shaking and crying and screaming until my throat is raw and it fucking sucks so much fucking ass that I have to go to work today, try to put a smile on, kick assignments out, then do more work when I get home for 2 other projects and it’s all fucking art but my heart is fucking breaking how am I supposed to pull any good shit out of my soul to get any of this shit done this week I’m so fucking sick of being me and acting like balance is really a fucking option with a mind like this I’m so. Fucking. Over it.
This isn’t fucking worth it.