I feel like I’ve had so many realizations and breakthroughs lately. I was excited for the future… dead set on making my plans work, making my goals happen. I can tell Eddy is worried about me actually making money since I quit my job. I’m also really worried about my mom. I HAVE to make money somehow. I know there’s really no going back, and I HAVE to figure this out at all costs. I’ve been working so hard to shift my mindset and how I view mental health in general, which I THOUGHT was getting me somewhere. But it really really sucks how all that seems to just go out the window when I wake up depressed. Like the day is fucking DONE before it even started. The overwhelming weight of the pressure of life just comes back and I can’t help but want to give it all up…just melt away…
I never expect it either… I’ve been using this Daylio app to track my moods, which has been fantastic. I suppose it’s working, but all it really shows me is, whenever I’m feeling great for an extended period of time, whenever I’m feeling functional, it’s only a matter of time till I drop. And that terrifies me. Knowing that one day, when I least expect it, depression will go SURPRISE, like a creepy ass jack in the box. But maybe that’s part of the issue… will I ever just be able to ACCEPT this part of myself? Rather than fearing it? Rather than dreading it? Will I be able to trust myself enough to know that, whenever I hit these lows, that it’s inevitable for me to bounce back up at SOME POINT in the future? I gotta keep the hope alive somehow…
Of course, highs and lows are normal states of humanity… which makes me feel even worse whenever I’m low because I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one in the world who can’t handle it. When I feel this way, all I want to do is run. All I want to do is disappear. Eddy always reminds me that he has stuff going on with him too… and it hurts because I always feel like I can’t be there for anyone when I’m like this. Much less him. He must feel so alone so much of the time, which is why he always has to have some kind of noisy show going on. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And all I keep thinking is “THERE’S ALWAYS SO MUCH NOISE IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE” rather than “I hope Eddy is doing ok…” It’s even WORSE because whenever I’m depressed, he thinks that it’s HIS fault and thinks I hate him! Sigh.
I hate the feeling of forcing things to revolve around me, always. It’s absolutely disgusting.
I have so many plans. I want to be an artist, but I feel so visually lost. Absolutely crippled. All I can do is use my words, and poorly. I’m so sick of it. I just wrote in my sketchbook today “TALK LESS, DRAW MORE” and already, I’m doing the opposite. One of my friends introduced me to this artist yesterday, Moonassi. I am blown away. I want to do things like this. When will I be able to get a hold of myself enough to create something that’s not just SCRIBBLES?!?!?! I have absolutely NO CONTROL. NO FINESSE. IT MAKES ME WANNA FUCKING BARF.
It’s a horrific realization to know that I always expect someone else to do things for me. That’s the reason why I haven’t created anything worthwhile. But if I expect someone else to do it for me, then what’s the point? It wouldn’t be me. I AM SO SICK OF DUALITY. I HATE THIS PARADOX AND WISH I COULD MAKE ART ABOUT IT. STOP WISHING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AND JUST DO IT. GOD DAMN I AM SICK OF YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE.
The more I write this post, the more I feel like I sink into the abyss…the more I become a victim. I’m SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT. I AM DONE I AM DONE I AM DONE. I DON’T WANT TO BE A VICTIM ANYMORE IT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I feel like I’m just a meat sack being flung back and forth between two extreme beings who really don’t give a shit about me. They’re like predators… just playing with their prey. Gotta save that meat sack somehow. There’s a soul in there somewhere. Sometimes it’s almost like I have access to it…but I never know what to fucking use my energy for when I have it.
So far, being off meds for me is about trust. You have to recognize that you’re in a depressive low, accept that this is just part of you, and learn how to be ok with it. Don’t allow the negative thoughts to take over, like “I’m never gonna finish that thing I’m working on!” Because even though it seems so simple…that’s referencing the FUTURE. And the future is ALWAYS unknown. We think by worrying, we’re predicting some terrible outcome to prevent that outcome actually happening. Isn’t that psychotic?
Rather than do that, we gotta just live in the present. And listening to your intuition is SO important because THAT’S what you have to trust. First of all, if you know that worrying so much about a thing will help you get it done, then you WILL get it done. So why not just take out the worrying and live in the present, enjoying life instead?! Just TRUST that everything will be ok. Because it will be. It’s ridiculous.
I feel like I’ve somehow known all of this for a while but am also just learning it now.
Today I was relaxing in the park looking around at people also relaxing at the park…just literally sitting there and doing nothing…and I’m like “why did I always think every single person around me was doing such amazing things everyday?” My jealousy and FOMO used to be the WORST! It really is only now because of the quarantine that I’m realizing that I actually CAN be satisfied with my life.
I was telling Eddy that being home so much reminds me of being a kid before I knew how to drive. I used to be frustrated at how distracted I was by the world and people around me saying “I wish I could go to back to before I had any friends!” Simply meaning…to a simpler time when I felt less obligations to the people around me. THIS IS IT. And it really isn’t bad. I’m learning so much about myself and realizing…all of this is an EXPERIENCE!! So why not savor that experience? That’s what I’m trying to do now, and my old self is slightly resisting but not by much…
Last week on July 15 (wow it was only last week?! Feels like an eternity…) I went to the ER for what I THOUGHT was a panic attack, but it turns out was actually a really messed up side effect of the meds (Latuda 60mg) that I was on. Been off it since, and feeling pretty good! Today is my first mild depressive episode but it’s not so bad 🙂
Anyway, this is what happened. Around 9pm on July 15 I took the Latuda and almost immediately felt like something had shifted within me — it came with dizziness and blurred vision. About a week leading up to this, I’d felt pretty off when I took the meds, but brushed it off as drowsiness that was common with the Latuda and would just immediately go to sleep.
I tried doing the same that night, but when I lay down, I could tell something was very wrong. I can’t really explain it but my perception had totally shifted and I felt like I was in a void. The shadows in the room looked off in a strange way which freaked me out, I didn’t feel comfortable breathing to calm myself down, and the worst part about it was that MY EYELIDS HAD STARTED SHAKING and just wouldn’t stop, making sleep (and even meditation) impossible. I lay there trying to calm myself down for about an hour, hoping the eyelid shake would go away, hoping I would drift off to sleep somehow, but then my arms and legs started to shake too and I was WAY too uncomfortable. My thought patterns were off too… I wondered if it was anxiety but my mind was like void of thoughts…I was freaking out but felt it in my BODY…hard to describe, but I was scared. I wondered if I was having a psychotic episode. I wondered if I would be like this forever. I wondered if I would die.
Finally I decided to get up and tell Eddy about it, and he immediately thought it was an anxiety attack. When I tried to talk to him I realized I couldn’t speak correctly, and it was hard to walk because everything was shaking and I felt so restless. I told him it might be a side effect of the medication, and he helped me induce vomiting to try and get the medicine out of my system. When I didn’t feel better afterwards, I agreed with him that it must be anxiety, and he tried putting a movie on to calm me down. It was impossible to focus my eyes on anything though, and the “void” feeling within me was so disconcerting I couldn’t help feeling hopeless.
After about 3 hours of Eddy trying to calm me down, me going back and forth from trying to throw up, to my room to try and sleep, and back out to just be around Eddy because I was so upset, nothing got better. It was like a bad trip, but WORSE because I HONESTLY DIDN’T KNOW IF IT WOULD EVER END. Trips have arcs, but this was just the SAME for HOURS. Eventually I said we needed to go to the ER because I knew I needed to go to sleep and as long as my eyes and body were shaking I wouldn’t be able to.
The ER of course had no idea what was wrong with me, but wrote it off as anxiety and after X-Raying my chest and testing my heart with everything normal, they gave me an Atavan to sedate me THANK GOD. It was torture going to the ER with COVID going on right now, and having to wait while my whole body was shaking and I was in a strange pulsating blurry void. Thankfully it worked and I was able to go to sleep. I still felt a little weird the next day and for the next couple days, but I had mostly reset.
This whole experience was probably one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever gone through, because somewhere deep in my heart I felt like it was never going to end. Even though Eddy and the ER said it was anxiety, I also somehow knew that it was most likely the meds. I immediately got off of them because I was so afraid of it happening again, but also avoided looking up side effects because I was so shaken… A couple days later when I thought about going on my meds again and finally looked it up.
“High doses or long-term use of lurasidone (Latuda) can cause a serious movement disorder that may not be reversible. Symptoms of this disorder include uncontrollable muscle movements of your lips, tongue, eyes, face, arms, or legs. The longer you take lurasidone, the more likely you are to develop a serious movement disorder.”
I saw this and got SO UPSET. “A serious movement disorder that may not be reversible”?!?! So I COULD’VE TOTALLY BEEN STUCK THAT WAY!! Upon looking into it further, I found out that antipsychotics cause this condition called “tardive dyskinesia” which causes involuntary movements in your body…EXACTLY what I was experiencing. When I talked to my psychiatrist, she said it used to be more common with older antipsychotics and it’s rarer with Latuda because it’s newer. So that’s why she didn’t TELL ME?! There’s a huge problem when this has been a common occurrence with this medicine which I read, tends to happen typically after being on it for 3 months.
Why, after 3 months, does it become more common to develop tardive dyskinesia?! THIS SHIT IS SOOOO DANGEROUS!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS EVEN TAKING IT!! If I had been on that medication longer (this was the first time I had stuck with it consistently for 5 months), it more likely WOULD’VE been permanent! The thought of being STUCK that way is completely TERRIFYING!! I’m so grateful it happened to me early on, almost as if to say “get off this shit, it’s BAD for you.”
NO ONE SHOULD TAKE LATUDA. IT IS DANGEROUS.
But I suppose any pharmaceutical drugs are dangerous…which is why these side effects even exist. It’s so sad that we live in a world we do many people have to take these dangerous things, in many cases having to actually LIVE with these horrible side effects in order to control their mind. It pisses me off really… this MODERN WORLD. So many people are suffering!!
I used to think I was invincible, that side effects would never happen to me. Which is partly why I didn’t really take them seriously. Yes I looked up the side effects when I started Latuda, but didn’t think much of them because I figured they wouldn’t affect me. I was wrong. And I’ve learned an important lesson. Even looking at the rest of the side effects…that night I experienced so many of them:
mask-like facial expression
inability to keep still
very stiff (rigid) muscles, sweating, confusion, tremors, feeling like you might pass out, or
twitching or uncontrollable movements of your eyes, lips, tongue, face, arms, or legs
After I spoke to my psychiatrist about this she prescribed me Lamictal, but honestly I don’t want to be on meds anymore. Yes my depression and suicidal ideation can get pretty bad and I can have rapid cycling mood swings. Although it’s hard to deal with, I feel like it’s not NECESSARY for me to be on meds…especially because now I’m just so damn scared of them.
This trip to the ER dramatically shifted something in me. It felt like a sign of a death that needed to happen. Originally Eddy was telling me he thought it was anxiety because there was so much going on in my life.
I finished my Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training program online last month, and because I was having a hard time balancing working from home in quarantine, and because I had taken on 2 life coaching clients and wanted to focus on art and my comic, I had decided I no longer wanted to certify to become a Kundalini Yoga Teacher. However, I did so well in my practicum during our last session that Jen told me to reconsider certifying. I did for a moment, but backed out again when we were supposed to pick our time slots, and this time Mary tried convincing me to do it. At this point I could tell maybe this was just an old pattern of me trying to run away out of fear and avoidance, and since I had been doing this program for 10 months, sure I might as well do it.
But agreeing to design 6 classes to get up and teach sent me into manic “final exam” mode, and not only that I got way too excited about trying to launch my brand/healing program “Hasthira” with the onset of my classes. This meant me trying to get a flyer done along with a website, of which I had none of the art I wanted to do completed. I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself, the pressure I was putting on myself…that was all just coming from me. I succumbed to really unhealthy habits of trying to do way too much, so really this incident seemed like it was trying to also teach me to learn how to chill out, rest and take care of myself. Before I found out about tardive dyskinesia, I was even wondering if it was a cause of the meds suppressing my mania that was activated by all the work I had to do. But now I see that…yeah maybe this all happened as a sign from the universe to A) Stop pressuring myself so much and B) Get off the meds.
When I recounted all of this to yoga mama Jen at our sound lesson last Sunday, she gave me a wonderful exercise about dealing with pressure. She told me to get all of that pressure out on paper, and have that physical representation of it so that whenever I feel the pressure, to look at that paper and know it’s THERE, not inside me — to separate myself from it in that way. I haven’t done it yet because breaking down to Jen really felt like the release I needed to get rid of it, at least in that moment.
Jen also told me that she helps people get off their meds, and that if I really wanna get off, I need to become really aware of all my mood changes and behaviors, to know how to handle them when they come up. She also told me I need to really watch my diet, because bad food like junk and fast food will flare up the mood shifts, so she suggested doing her 40 Days To Optimal Program for the second time, which I AM doing. She also said if it gets bad again, she has supplements to give me that she thinks might help. It was so amazing to get this type of support…and I feel really good about doing this.
I started this blog because I didn’t want to be on meds, and I wanted to become more aware of my moods, to do just what Jen was talking about. So much has happened since then, and this Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training program has really changed my life in ways I could’ve never expected. It’s shown me how important Kundalini Yoga is in my life — how it has helped me reconnect to myself and find a middle ground and stillness within me that I never thought was possible. If I’m vigilant about my practice, no matter what mood I’m in…I know I’ll be ok. The program has also shown me the importance of community, and what a great community even looks like. Through The Yogi Tree I’ve found my tribe — Jen has really cultivated a beautiful safe space where it’s okay to be vulnerable, where you can experience the waves of life and express them and be loved and accepted for it…having a space like that has truly changed my life, and I wish everyone could experience something similar, especially those struggling with mental health.
This post is already a novel,but again this was long overdue. I’m so grateful for this quarantine space to do the work I’m doing, and so grateful that I am still alive and well after such a terrifying incident. Upon reading reviews of Latuda, I’ve found tons of similar accounts, and my heart goes out to everyone suffering from these horrific side effects just to try and get by in this world. Really hoping these alternatives I’ve found work for me in the long run…gonna make a deeper effort than I ever have.
Side note: I taught my first Kundalini Yoga class yesterday for certification! 5 more to go!! 😀 I was so manic trying to prepare and write the series, and it was such a high to finish teaching my first one that today I’m experiencing a crash from it…but it’s not so bad. Just gonna try and take it easy, which is hard for me to do. But I’m determined to learn how to relax! Survival depends on it!
Anyway, here’s the flyer with details for my online Kundalini classes, just in case you’re interested! I live in Southern California so the time zone is PST!
We as humans are naturally self serving, and for real change to happen, both in ourselves and the world, we have to look at history. Patterns. A good place to start is looking at your OWN story, because the truth is… we’ve all been programmed with a ton of lies and too many of us are still unconscious and asleep. Once you start unraveling those lies… change is inevitable.
Joseph Campbell says “When looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.” Now more than ever this is important to be aware of, with so much negativity in the world. But in order to be able to bounce back into the positive… we have to do our part.
To gather my thoughts about what I wanted to talk about in this project, I chronologically wrote out the events that stood out to me in the last 10 years of my life. The black bubbles were “irreversible moments” for me, and when I told that to a friend she called them “plot points of my hero’s journey” which I really loved. So many emotions came up while doing this, the biggest being GRATITUDE — gratitude for how far I’ve come, the great connections I’ve made along the way, gratitude for this path I’m walking and insight on where I’m headed in the future.
There’s a lot going on in our country right now, and if you don’t know what to do, remember that change starts within. I’d highly recommend doing this exercise (ideally with your entire life) if your past feels like a tangled mess and you’re unsure of what your values are. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. It’s a good start.
It’s funny how our minds seem to naturally focus on the “bad” rather than the “good”, but I suppose it’s our “fight or flight” nature to survive. In order to cope with our overwhelming world, anxiety and depression have become the norm. We tend to put up a lot of mental protection to supposedly keep us safe, which results in a lot of subconscious “lashing out” behavior or obsessing over very specific things to give us some form of strange comfort. I’ve come to find that my biggest coping mechanism is my faulty memory which has helped me repress a lot of trauma in my past, but it also wipes out most good memories as well. I’m grateful to have Eddy who basically has a photographic memory, so he not only can remember movie quotes, but good times we’ve had that I quickly forget when things get bad.
Many of us are so lucky and privileged, yet we choose to a scarcity mindset rather than one of abundance — focusing on what is lacking in our lives and the world around us, rather than what we have and should be grateful for. This allows us to continue unhealthy patterns that result in repeatedly hurting ourselves, and possibly even others around us. The key is awareness and gratitude, but if we don’t have anyone to point out our behavior and we don’t know how to do it for ourselves, how are we supposed to get out of these toxic mental cycles? As a collective, we really have to start looking WITHIN for these answers. Only then can we really start to heal and find our own ways to raise our awareness, preventing us from falling in the same trap over and over again. That’s what I’m attempting to do 🙂
50 First Dates is one of my favorite movies ever… I just love Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler romcoms so much, their chemistry is perfect! ;_; But this one in particular really gets me because of the memory issues. In the movie Drew Barrymore’s character Lucy has “anterograde amnesia,” a disorder where you stop creating new memories after a traumatic event. Trauma can create PTSD which affects our mind in all sorts of ways, and trauma is inevitable in our lives as human beings. Some of us are able to handle it better than others, but a lot of us are dealing with it subconsciously every single day in our thought patterns, bad habits and mental hangups. 50 First Dates addresses trauma in such a lighthearted and charming way, I highly recommend it, especially if you like romcoms!
This is my favorite moment in the movie and always makes me cry ;__; Especially because sometimes I feel so messed up that it’d be better for me to just not be in anyone’s life, including Eddy’s, for THEIR sake. This is part of the reason I tend to disappear or keep my distance. But this shows how love is stronger than that, reminding me that maybe those thoughts are just a bad pattern from the trauma I’ve experienced. Thankfully Eddy is so good at pulling me out of the darkness when I trick myself into thinking I’m a complete worthless waste of space on this earth.
This shows Lucy at the end of the movie watching her own external HD in the form of a VHS tape that Henry makes for her. I’m glad that I managed to figure out what to do for MY external HD! Can’t wait to make this comic into a book 🙂