āWe are each of us a wise guru in charge of a mental patientā –Ā Jamie Catto
Iām not sure what to do right now⦠I feel very sick. It reminds me of being in the maloka listening to people retch and purge around me, except now Iām just so crushingly alone. On Christmas Fucking Eve.
And is being alone really so bad? (Also I know I’m not actually alone…just being a drama queen)
I mean I just snapped at Eddy when he asked me what I wanted to do for Christmas. āI WANNA BE FUCKING ALONE.ā But do I? He looked so hurt when I said that and it made me feel awful. Iām such a walking contradiction that can never figure anything out⦠WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS DUALITY OF EXISTENCE SO. FUCKING. HARD??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT??!?!
I want to be alone, but at the same time I NEED people. NEED people to the point of fucking EMBARRASSMENT. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE ELORA. DONāT YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?! DONāT YOU WANT TO JUST GO LIVE OUT IN THE JUNGLE SOMEWHERE AND LEARN TO FEND FOR YOURSELF?!?! No you donāt because youāre so fucking dependent on people for your happiness and you NEED someone to talk to, donāt you?
HOLIDAYS ARE SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!! I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO PEOPLE AND GO SEE PEOPLE LIKE⦠WTF WHY CANāT I JUST BE ALONE AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS??!?! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE CONSTANTLY PERFORMING FOR PEOPLE?!?! ALSO IF I LOVE THEM, WHY DO I FEEL THE PRESSURE IN THE FIRST PLACE? Why do I always feel like I OWE people everything? Why canāt we all just exist and I donāt have to feel GUILTY all the FUCKING time?!?!
I have a long ass list of things to do, but rather than doing them I get wrapped up in some fucking MELTDOWN and then the list gets longer and longer and longer and I feel like I’m DROWNING then just want to up and LEAVE IT ALL. But Iāve CHOSEN THIS LIFE and I know I would REGRET NOT DOING THESE THINGS and NO MATTER WHAT LIFE I CHOOSE I’ll still have to LIVE WITH THIS MONSTER INSIDE OF ME SO FUCK IT.
WHY DO I TAKE SO MANY PICTURES?!? Because I enjoy my experience so much and want to document them! But THEN WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM AFTERWARD!? NOTHING! SO NOW I FEEL SO MUCH PRESSURE TO GET THEM PRINTED AND PUT THEM IN ALBUMS AND GIVE THEM TO PEOPLE AS PRESENTS!! But it makes me PHYSICALLY ILL to think about organizing all these thousands of fucking things!!!
BECAUSE THE PRESSURE OF THE PICTURES AND GIFTS ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND I CANāT GET MYSELF TO DRAW!! When I sit to draw, all I think about is this LONG LIST OF SHIT I NEED TO DO! Currently, because itās the end of the year and also Christmas, I KNOW I need to focus on the thank you cards and organizing photos to print for people but I have all this fucking pent up anger inside me that if I were to go and do those things right now, they wouldnāt come out right and I would just have ANOTHER MELTDOWN because I have all this HORRIBLE ENERGY I NEED TO GET RID OF FIRST.
Am I just DOOMED and CURSED to have too much EMOTIONAL BULLSHIT EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE that I canāt even FOCUS ON ANYTHING REAL AND PRODUCTIVE?!?! Is whatever this energy is inside of me something that will ALWAYS CONTROL ME??? No matter what I do and what I try?! I KNOW I SHOULDN’T ALLOW IT TO HAVE POWER OVER ME BUT IT FUCKING DOES.
Itās so fucking painful to want SO BADLY to just BE CONTENT but constantly be torn in two completely opposite directions of WANTING TO DO and NOT WANTING TO DO, WANTING TO BE ALONE and WANTING TO LOVE, WANTING TO RUN and WANTING TO FIGHT. HOW DO I EXIST IN THIS REALITY?!?! AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST SPEND HOURS EACH DAY VOMITING OUT MY SHIT SO I CAN BE AT SOME BASE LEVEL WHERE I CAN FUNCTION!?!? WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!
WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT REALLY???
Ha, yesterday Eddy mentioned that my mom had ādone a number on meā with how I was raised. I guess I didnāt even realize till recently how insane I actually am, and how all these issues have manifested in ways that are so challenging Iām not even sure what to do with myself anymore.
I was diagnosed as bipolar this year, and when I went to do ayahuasca, I remember thinking āam I really bipolar?ā I think these diagnoses really help us try to pin down whatās wrong with us based on certain traits we have. No matter what you call it⦠I think Iām starting to finally learn what I actually am. Or what about me at least got me the bipolar diagnosis. Itās amazing to think that people are constantly going to doctors about symptoms, but because they just want the pain to stop they take a pill and donāt do the work to actually try and get to know themselves.
I am so grateful to Ayahuasca for teaching me how to get to know myself, but at the same time⦠itās really fucking scary to face⦠whatever this is I am. And SO fucking hard. āBipolarā people are known to experience extreme highs and lows, and thatās definitely something Iāve always struggled with. Existing in the āgray areaā between SUPER HIGH and SUPER LOW has always seemed impossible for me.. But itās that āgray areaā where life happens. Iām constantly guilty about not spending enough time with Eddy and our dog Han because Iām having a fucking breakdown⦠but I donāt know what else to do with this energy. Because if I DO go and spend that time⦠I feel guilty for not doing all these things I feel constant pressure to do! And then when I go and try and be rid of this energy by writing or whatever⦠I FEEL HORRIBLE THAT IāM NOT DOING THE OTHER THINGS!!!
This breathing technique that I recorded from Dreamglade is saving my life in the way that⦠I feel like I can get myself in a similar headspace as in ceremony, in order to work on things I need to work on, and even IDENTIFY things I need to work on. Itās so funny because I remember leaving the retreat feeling like I had all the tools I needed to succeed. They kept saying “the real work happens AFTER you take the ayahuasca and get back home” but I was in such a great place, like āpsshhh I never need to go do Ayahuasca again! Iām completely healed!ā
But thatās another one of those extremes talking. Each day I’ve been home… I see what they mean.
Doing the breathing exercise the past couple days, a LOT has come up⦠and Iāve become aware of JUST HOW MUCH WORK is to be done within myself⦠and it scares the shit out of me. There are so many layers to myself that Iām starting to become aware of and, like everything else in my life, itās causing me overwhelm, but in a different way than having a long list of things to do.
I think actually, the overwhelm is what triggered this. Coming back to work I was all chill like āI donāt need to feel stress anymore because I completely trust myself to get everything done that I need to get done!!ā But I barely got ANY work done during the week because I was TOO chill and now, along with the BILLION other things I need to do, I have to try and fit WORK on top of it during this holiday break so I can manage to meet my deadline in the first week of January.
I realize just how much I avoid things and procrastinate and let things PILE UP because I’m unable to focus on doing things when they’re SUPPOSED to be done…which I was aware of before, but I guess I was expecting myself to be able to handle it a bit better. I did just get my period so maybe Iām extra irrational because of hormones, Ā but Iām really trying hard to work through these things so I can at least be a bit productive.
That being said, today during breathing I immediately just burst into tears the WHOLE TIME, because I felt this INCREDIBLE POWER OF DUALITY BEING FORCED DOWN ON ME. Duality is something that Mother Aya makes you face in ceremony, but I have yet to even BEGIN to fathom how to use what Iāve learned in normal life.
BECAUSE the nature of ME is just SO FUCKING EXTREME. The duality within ME is SO HARD TO HANDLE. AND I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO START GOING ABOUT IT!
“Slow down, take your time”
āBREATHEā
“PATIENCE.”
Yeah yeah. All this shit thatās supposed to help me…YEAH I KNOW. WELL I DID JUST BREATHE AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
I felt this incredible power within me⦠almost like a monster. Well I DID call it a monster, but Mother Aya said I shouldnāt see it that way. That I should see it as a āpower.ā The first blog I made was called āBipolar Beastie,ā for good reason⦠I definitely always thought of the ābipolar” being a beast within me but⦠today was the first time I actually FELT it (which, although scary, was pretty nice. Another duality). Like something deep deep within my soul that needs to be tamed but is just⦠writhing around in there wreaking all sorts of havoc. And holy shit it made me NAUSEOUS to actually FEEL it. (This breathing exercise is powerful shit, I assure you.)
The word that kept coming up was āHummingpup.ā After I got back from the retreat, I wanted to create a new site focusing on healing, and about a year ago this āHummingpupā kept coming up in my mind⦠I dunno why and part of me thought it sounded a bit dumb, but since Iāve gotten back this little voice kept saying I needed to actually use it for something.
Itās nice because today I just got some clarification on this, but it confused me even more. I definitely think the keyword in all of this is CONFUSION. And with such a lack of patience and conviction, I feel like Iām so shit outta luck in terms of knowing on to deal with all this chaos that keeps popping up in my head.
But anyway, Mother Aya explained to me what a āHummingpupā is. THATāS what the āmonsterā or ābeastieā within me is. Itās like a hummingbird in the way that it moves SO PAINFULLY FAST because it thinks thatās the only way to survive. Itās so sad to me how hummingbirds canāt even SLEEP unless they go into a state of torpor, or ātemporary hibernation.ā Itās the only way for them to save their energy so they can GOGOGO again in the day⦠and itās so fucking sad to me that this is basically the only way Iāve functioned too. Itās either Iām GOGOGOGO or in complete isolation (hibernation) where I canāt even bring myself to interact with anyone to conserve my energy for the next time I can GOGOGO again. Then itās like a puppy in that it has ALL THIS CRAZY ENERGY THAT IT DOESNāT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH and this lighthearted curiosity, innocence and love for the world⦠thatās kinda stamped out by the constant need for movement. Itās sad really š¦ All the āpupā wants to do is play, and all the āhummingā wants to do is work⦠but thereās really no in betweenā¦at least none that I can currently see.
Eddy says I need to relax, and that he worries about my motivations for doing things because most of the time it seems like Iām doing something out of frustration. Iām not quite sure how to do something because I WANT to do it, if thereās always such a long list of things to do. Iāve been doing the grateful flow tool from the tools book as well⦠to try and help with this constant state of worry from the overwhelm, but even that didnāt help today. I KEPT DOING IT TOO and it didnāt really calm me down⦠only the breathing calmed me down because I was able to RELEASE and CRY but then⦠afterward I was a fucking wreck.
He says my comfort zone is wanting to GOGOGO⦠wanting to write and get out my energy, wanting to angrily clean or throw a tantrum⦠but how am I supposed to know when to RELEASE ENERGY or when to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE with it? How am I supposed to adequately identify my comfort zones? Ā Iām not sure what Iām doing right and what Iām doing wrong⦠which way is the right way to go⦠how to actually move forward even though Iāve been doing the pain exercise from that book… Iām so constantly overwhelmed I canāt tell whatās what anymore, and again I feel so crippled by reality. Am I supposed to take time each day to expend this energy? Breathing, running, yoga, writing, talking? It takes me a long ass time to get my words out because I have so goddamn many of them⦠and then once I write I have to go talk to Eddy about it, and then I spend hours feeling sorry for myself and can’t concentrate on anything else…what is the proper approach here?
Hummingbirds are weak and fragile because they never stop flying, and pups have boundless energy and need to be trained to even start to focus. WHAT HOPE DO I HAVE OF A FOCUSED LIFE WHERE I CAN BE PRODUCTIVE AND ALSO EXHIBIT UNLIMITED LOVE TO EVERYTHING AROUND ME?! Do I need to start taking meds again?! Do I need to do more ayahuasca?! Do I need to run away and live in the jungle again but this time never leave!? How much work do I need to do on myself before I can ACTUALLY start moving forward!? UGH.
I feel as though⦠Mother Ayahuasca has opened a door within me that Iām both intrigued by and afraid of, and Iām not sure what to do with whatās coming out of it. Itās almost like opening a Pandoraās Box…There are so many layers and Iām not sure how to come to terms with that⦠Meanwhile time just keeps slipping away and I feel like my life is going to wasteā¦